I guess I didn’t realize that, because there are so many different types of women in the world, that you need to keep your fridge and pantry fully stocked to be prepared to suit their needs. How do you expect to have sex with a single mother if you aren’t able to distract her young child with a freezer pop if there are no freezer pops in your freezer? How do you expect to keep an overweight girl interested if you have no ice cream sandwiches? And how are you going to impress a hoodrat if you don’t have 18 cans of Cherry Coke? Thanks to this informative video, you can now answer life’s most difficult questions.
So, here’s the deal. Amp, the company that makes the world’s most popular energy drinks, wants you to make a funny 90-second video that incorporates the brand new Amp energy shots. (They aren’t released yet, so we’ll send them to you once you give us your address.) And just to make it worth your while, the top three videos will win $500. For example, you could make a video like the one above, but just hit a can of Amp Energy Shots off your friend’s face instead a golf ball and boom, you’re $500 richer.
And now, here are the rules some lawyers wrote up:
-The video should be less than 90 seconds (no limit on minimum)
-The video should not include excessive cursing or encourage danger
-The best entry will be one that not only shows the product, but also is truly entertaining and creative
-Top three videos get $500
And just to add a little extra, the first 30 people who want to participate in this contest and send their mailing addresses to email@example.com will win 6 bottles of the not-yet-released Amp Energy Shot. So what are you waiting for? Get to winning!
Ahh, if only Chris Farley were here to sing about a fat guy in a little moat. But since he’s not, we’ll just have to watch this video of a fat, naked man swimming around in the moat around the Japanese Imperial Palace and eluding Tokyo police with by throwing rocks at them and by being naked.
This guy is probably totally crazy, but whenever I see someone do something like this I wonder if sometimes they’re just regular guys with regular jobs who are at the end of a totally awesome bender. Could you imagine coming to in a jail cell wondering where your clothes are and why your fat ass is on the news splashing cops and trying to climb high rock walls in front of 500 tourists. Man, that is going to make Monday morning around the water cooler a tiny bit awkward.
See Some Fantastic Stills Of This After The Jump. They’re Somehow Better Than The Video.
I never really noticed that John McCain sounded like The Penguin from Batman, but I guess that’s because I never noticed him wearing a crudely drawn top hat, carrying a purple umbrella and smoking out of a cigarette holder. I’m not sure how I missed that before…
I know we’re at war and we’re one month away from an election, but I just have one unpatriotic question: Why does the USA suck so much? Sure, we have free speech and a shitload of Burger Kings, but where are our restaurants that employ monkey waiters? All the recent talk of how we’re run by the free market isn’t holding much water when Japan is kicking our ass in the “Mind-Blowing Ideas That Will Make A Lot Of Money” department. Do you understand how many times I would eat at a restaurant that had macaque monkeys bringing me a beer in exchange for boiled soybeans? I would be there for breakfast, brunch, lunch, lupper, linner, dinner, supper and a midnight snack. And then I might pop in there just to say “hi” if i had a spare moment between linner and dinner.
Other crap to look at:
Rose McGowan talks to the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather)
Kim Kardashian says her boobs are real (FListed)
Brandy Dahl hates clothes (gorillamask)
Gogo Mastrokosta has a hilarious name. But is super hot. (doubleviking)
Drunk soccer fan face falls off bleachers (nothingtoxic)
Tourette’s guy remix (cameltap)
Katy Perry is stacked (theblemish)
Clown flips out at a kid’s party (EJB)
If you’re going to be a nerd, do it with beer (tastybooze)
Awesome coffins (funtasticus)
Nicolette Sheriden in a bikini (donchavez)
Lisa Ann will be playing Sarah Palin in the new porno called Nailin’ Paylin (afrojacks)
It’s so weird to see celebrities we idolized as kids, turn up on reality shows looking coked up and sporting a dysfunctional family. Our friends over at shortsbus.com decided to take it upon themselves to imagine what it might be like if Ronald McDonald went the way of Hulk Hogan.
There are so many eye opening things about this video. First, there’s actually a place where people complain that there’s too many monkeys. It’s like that little kid that bitches to his mom because she bought him the wrong mountain bike. THey need to appreciate the fact that there are millions of people everywhere that have NO monkeys. Secondly, I like that one of the problems with the monkeys being in the station was “They steal passengers bananas.” Choosing to eat a banana in a train station filled with monkeys is like wearing a mini skirt to a frat party and leaving your drink on a table when you got to the bathroom. And finally, I love the fact that the monkey scarer prayed to the monkey god, to create a job for him that involves him scaring away monkeys. Has there even been a more appropriate prayer to a more appropriate god? I don’t think so.
When soldiers are stationed overseas, they are forced to watch the AFN (American Forces Network), which is full of crappy homemade PSAs. One of their long running “series” of PSAs involves an itty bitty mouse named Squeakers and a devious computer-hacking surveillance cat who teach us about the importance of secrecy. (There’s also a dog and a rabbit here and there, but who’s counting?) It must be great to be stuck defending your country in some godforsaken 110-degree hole and have to spend your free time watching Squeakers try and outsmart a cat. (I guess you could read a book, but that’s kind of boring.) If we really want to support the troops, maybe we could give them some decent programming.
Dispose of Sensitive Materials – Watch more free videos 5. Dispose Of Sensitive Materials Properly
If you really want to make sure a snooping cat doesn’t find your Top Secret Files, you’ll have to tear then up four or five times.
Everyone’s Responsibility – Watch more free videos 4. It’s Everyone’s Responsibility
Where the hell did that cat get a long range microphone and those sweet headphones? Maybe the military should be asking those questions instead of making these crappy PSAs.
Cat Hacker Central – Watch more free videos 3. Don’t Give Out Sensitive Information Over The Internet
Cat Hacker Central has been responsible for more identity theft than Nigeria spammers and dumpster divers combined.
If you read this site with any sort of frequency, you know we love opening credits sequences to 80s sitcoms. And since the best characters on television this year are the ones running for office, we decided to see what they might look like in the opening credits of their own television show.
I used to love robots. The thought of having a bunch of C-3PO’s wandering around got me pretty excited. In fact, whenever I would see a robot or someone said the word robot I would yell out “BOTS!” Now, after seeing this 5-year-old “robot girl” with her weird eyes and her super creepy features, I don’t think I like robots anymore. In fact, I think we should pass a law that will cease any and all robot creation in the world. This isn’t a cute little Number 5 or an R2D2 who will save the day and defeat the bad guys. This thing is pure evil. Just imagine owning this robot (BOTS!) and waking up in the middle of the night with this thing standing next to your bed. Someone needs to stab this thing in the face before it takes over the world.