Some people like to watch Michael Jackson’s "Thriller" to celebrate Halloween. Me? I prefer to watch a midget steal candy from children and punch the pavement until his knuckles bleed…and then get carted off on a stretcher…even though it wasn’t even close to Halloween. That’s what this holiday means to me.
This occurred on the corner of Broad and Pattison in Phildelphia during the city’s "celebration" of their World Series ring last night. Is this guy a Rays fan? Is he a Phillies fan? Who knows. All we do know is that good citizens of Illadelph really like lobbing things at people. And, as you can see, years of practice have given them great aim.
I think a lot of the scared white people you see at McCain rallies in Ohio and Alabama are scared that the future of American politics will look exactly like this if Obama wins. And quite frankly, I think the majority of Americans would welcome a breath of fresh gangsta air to the current political forum. Perhaps McCain wouldn’t be taking a dirt nap in the polls if he had just stuck and moved (stuck and moved) a little more during his campaign. Electoral college is bond.
Phil Anselmo, the old lead singer of Pantera and current lead singer of Down, has (hopefully) done a LOT of drugs. Because if he sounds like this without the aid of brain-melting narcotics, then, well, I don’t know what to say. Between his voice that sounds like Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” (I was praying he would say “Is she a great big fat person?” at some point during this interview) and his rambling string of non sequiters, he has just joined Sarah Palin in the Most Confusing Interview Hall of Fame. I know this video is long, but here are a few of my favorite moments from the real Dr. Phil.
Phil: The right thing had to happen…back surgery had to…recover for…whatever recovery is…all of us had to recover from Katrina…
Phil: There’s no real place to stick Down into a slot and say, “OK, they’re this type of band, but uh…there’s no, quite…uh,” this is tough to say…uhh, we need more bands.
Phil: Together we came up with this concept, however, within a concept, there must be a concept within a record. So, as a lyricist…uhhh…I just feel that…once again the symbolism speaks for itself and I suggest people do their homework. Just like they have to do with the lyrics. Even in English, it’s not your average fare.
I took piano lessons for exactly three weeks. I learned to play one half of Heart and Soul, and my brother learned to play the other half. Then we’d come home and play it on the shitty piano at our house until it pissed off my dad. That was the only enjoyment I got out of playing piano, but I think if I was a little asian girl who knew how to rock the f*&k out on the keyboard and play Carry On My Wayward Son, I would have also enjoyed that.
The best part is at the end, when she finishes this 5 minute performance and has rocked the shit out of this recital, she gets a golf clap. Piss poor audience, piss poor.
Since you’re probably not a totally wasted girl wearing a bikini, you probably pee in a toilet, like a sucker. Drunk girls, on the other hand, will pee wherever the hell they want. Like, if one of them is in a 7-11 aisle they aren’t going to hold their urine until they get to a bathroom. That would be stupid. Instead they just yank down their bikini and let it happen right then and there. (And text their other drunk girl friends while they’re doing it, too.) God, I love drunk girls.
Seeing a coke whore’s eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning is one of the most beautiful things in the world. So what do you do when you can’t score any coke? Well, according to this ad, Synth Coke will do just the trick. (Something tells me she doesn’t even know she’s in a commercial.)
The next time Hollywood complains about dwindling sales and blames piracy instead of releasing crappy movies (Beverly Hills Chihuahua is still #1 in the box office, I think), maybe they should take a second to look at themselves. Imagine seeing this movie trailer on TV. Now imagine how fast you would go see this movie. If The Human Tornado came out today, it would rake in more than Lord of the Rings and Who’s Nailin’ Paylin combined.