I know we’re at war and we’re one month away from an election, but I just have one unpatriotic question: Why does the USA suck so much? Sure, we have free speech and a shitload of Burger Kings, but where are our restaurants that employ monkey waiters? All the recent talk of how we’re run by the free market isn’t holding much water when Japan is kicking our ass in the “Mind-Blowing Ideas That Will Make A Lot Of Money” department. Do you understand how many times I would eat at a restaurant that had macaque monkeys bringing me a beer in exchange for boiled soybeans? I would be there for breakfast, brunch, lunch, lupper, linner, dinner, supper and a midnight snack. And then I might pop in there just to say “hi” if i had a spare moment between linner and dinner.
Other crap to look at:
Rose McGowan talks to the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather)
Kim Kardashian says her boobs are real (FListed)
Brandy Dahl hates clothes (gorillamask)
Gogo Mastrokosta has a hilarious name. But is super hot. (doubleviking)
Drunk soccer fan face falls off bleachers (nothingtoxic)
Tourette’s guy remix (cameltap)
Katy Perry is stacked (theblemish)
Clown flips out at a kid’s party (EJB)
If you’re going to be a nerd, do it with beer (tastybooze)
Awesome coffins (funtasticus)
Nicolette Sheriden in a bikini (donchavez)
Lisa Ann will be playing Sarah Palin in the new porno called Nailin’ Paylin (afrojacks)
It’s so weird to see celebrities we idolized as kids, turn up on reality shows looking coked up and sporting a dysfunctional family. Our friends over at shortsbus.com decided to take it upon themselves to imagine what it might be like if Ronald McDonald went the way of Hulk Hogan.
There are so many eye opening things about this video. First, there’s actually a place where people complain that there’s too many monkeys. It’s like that little kid that bitches to his mom because she bought him the wrong mountain bike. THey need to appreciate the fact that there are millions of people everywhere that have NO monkeys. Secondly, I like that one of the problems with the monkeys being in the station was “They steal passengers bananas.” Choosing to eat a banana in a train station filled with monkeys is like wearing a mini skirt to a frat party and leaving your drink on a table when you got to the bathroom. And finally, I love the fact that the monkey scarer prayed to the monkey god, to create a job for him that involves him scaring away monkeys. Has there even been a more appropriate prayer to a more appropriate god? I don’t think so.
When soldiers are stationed overseas, they are forced to watch the AFN (American Forces Network), which is full of crappy homemade PSAs. One of their long running “series” of PSAs involves an itty bitty mouse named Squeakers and a devious computer-hacking surveillance cat who teach us about the importance of secrecy. (There’s also a dog and a rabbit here and there, but who’s counting?) It must be great to be stuck defending your country in some godforsaken 110-degree hole and have to spend your free time watching Squeakers try and outsmart a cat. (I guess you could read a book, but that’s kind of boring.) If we really want to support the troops, maybe we could give them some decent programming.
Dispose of Sensitive Materials – Watch more free videos 5. Dispose Of Sensitive Materials Properly
If you really want to make sure a snooping cat doesn’t find your Top Secret Files, you’ll have to tear then up four or five times.
Everyone’s Responsibility – Watch more free videos 4. It’s Everyone’s Responsibility
Where the hell did that cat get a long range microphone and those sweet headphones? Maybe the military should be asking those questions instead of making these crappy PSAs.
Cat Hacker Central – Watch more free videos 3. Don’t Give Out Sensitive Information Over The Internet
Cat Hacker Central has been responsible for more identity theft than Nigeria spammers and dumpster divers combined.
If you read this site with any sort of frequency, you know we love opening credits sequences to 80s sitcoms. And since the best characters on television this year are the ones running for office, we decided to see what they might look like in the opening credits of their own television show.
I used to love robots. The thought of having a bunch of C-3PO’s wandering around got me pretty excited. In fact, whenever I would see a robot or someone said the word robot I would yell out “BOTS!” Now, after seeing this 5-year-old “robot girl” with her weird eyes and her super creepy features, I don’t think I like robots anymore. In fact, I think we should pass a law that will cease any and all robot creation in the world. This isn’t a cute little Number 5 or an R2D2 who will save the day and defeat the bad guys. This thing is pure evil. Just imagine owning this robot (BOTS!) and waking up in the middle of the night with this thing standing next to your bed. Someone needs to stab this thing in the face before it takes over the world.
I have no idea what these Bacon Man videos are all about, but since they’re bacon-themed, I don’t really care. This isn’t one of those things you need to question too vigorously. Once you just accept that Bacon Man is using the swing to cool off so he won’t burn the tongue of the guy who’s going to eat him, or he’s using the sun to make himself extra crispy (“just how he likes it”) then you won’t get caught up questioning why Bacon Man is doing these Bacon Man things. (I have no idea what I’m talking about. Just watch the videos.)
Other crap to look at that, sadly, has nothing to do with bacon:
Slutty sisters of the day (drunkenstepfather)
Holly Weber is attractive (gorillamask)
Angelina Jolie in some sexy ad (cameltap)
Huge brawl breaks out in Big Brother Bulgaria (Nothingtoxic)
Bush lets you know he will kill you (comedy.com)
Children’s chair gone wrong (tastybooze)
Janet Jackson is cured (theblemish)
This coach saves a soccer goal (EJB)
Car model Lisa Angeline (uncoached)
This guy has been arrested 1,332 times in the same town in Kentucky. Of course, with arrests come mug shots, and what’s the point of having 1,332 mug shots of the same dude unless you’re going to create a montage out of it? For those of you who are still looking for a hero, I’d like you to meet Henry Earl:
The Wire is a pretty awesome, gritty, cop drama. But that doesn’t mean it can’t also be absolutely hilarious in front of a live studio audience! After seeing this scene with a laugh track injected into it, I’d really love to see a scene from Saved By The Bell with the laugh track taken OUT of it. Actually, I think if I saw Slater say to Jesse Spano “come here, mama” and then kiss her, and I didn’t hear “oooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!” from the studio audience, my head might explode due to my brain not being able to process that scene without hearing that and just deciding to self-destruct.
Since I’m not a Magnum P.I. aficionado (and honestly, who is?) I can’t say for certain that this clip was from the end of the show’s run. But it’s pretty obvious that this scene was written when the writer’s clearly did not give two shits about how they were going to get Magnum and Higgins out of a tight jam. Every show goes downhill at the end, but this has to be the best/worst example of ditching a plot just so you can make it to Happy Hour.
I imagine the writer meeting went something like this:
Head Writer: OK, so, the old lady pulls a gun on Magnum. Then what?
Writer #1: Uhhh, what if Magnum didn’t drop his gun. And then pulls it on her.
Head Writer: Sure. Then what? (checks his watch.)
Writer #2: What if the lady tells the bird…whatshisname…Merlin to attack Magnum. (taps foot impatiently)
Writer #1: (audibly sighs.) Sure. Then what if…uhh…Higgins does some weird bird call to get the bird off Magnum.
Head Writer: OK, then what if TC is flying by in his helicopter and the bird gets caught in the blades or something. Then he could say some funny kicker like “Uh oh!” “Did I do that?” or some shit.
Writer #3 Who Just Got Hired: Wait, what? The bird just flies into the helicopter that’s way up in the sky? What?