There are tons of theories about how the human race will become extinct. Asteroid has always been my favorite because it’s a super awesome crap your pants moment, but there’s not enough time for people to try to break into my house and steal my bottled water or special edition copy of Predator.
This video kind of speaks for itself, so I’m not going to overanalyze, but here’s a few thoughts that occurred while watching. First of all, I love how the Orgy people thought anyone would think this was a church. It looks like the set of the a Saw film. Secondly, why is it that every time I see a news report about some underground orgy party, everyone is grotesquely ugly or in this case, sound like they work the register at a Dairy Queen in some shit town on he way to Vegas. Thirdly, I can’t tell you how much I love when local news stations put up a picture of the people in question, and it’s the most ridiculous picture they can find. In this case, the couple is shirtless wearing bow ties. I’ve said before, but I shall say it again: Thank God for Local News.
I can’t figure out the worst part about this video. Is it the song, the woman singing the song, the music video itself, or the motorcycle guy’s mullet? They all seem to be equally terrible. So, if two negatives make a positive, then four negatives might make a totally awesome positive. I don’t really understand quantum physics, but using the Copenhagen Interpretation of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox*, I think this video has so many negative components that the wave-particle duality actually inverses on itself to become the greatest video in the universe.
I asked a quantum physicist to see if my formula was correct. This was his response:
Quantum Physicist: No, this video sucks. Shut up.
Well, now we have our answer. Still, it’s kind of a catchy tune.
*I have no idea what those terms mean. I found them on wikipedia.
It’s not often that a great orator graces us with his ability to take a very complex situation and turn it into a simple story that makes all of humanity sit back and see the world in a new perspective. History has given us such great speakers as Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King Jr and John F. Kennedy. But now, it gives us…Diddy.
From his opening salvo of “Diddy Obama blog! Diddy Obama blog! Diddy Obama blog! Attention John McCain: My name is…Diddy.” to the scathing probe of “She gonna be on the phone with my man from South Korea and like…what she…I mean? What in theee hell?” As you can see, he’s asking the questions that mainstream media is too scared to ask. I’d like to be the first to thank Diddy for his patriotism, his sense of duty and, most of all, for his willingness to take a dump with his mouth in front of a camera, and then put that dump on the Internet.
Watching some athlete hold up some ornate trophy is exciting to only the fans of that athlete/team. But when something goes wrong and the trophy ends up in more than one piece, well, everyone can enjoy that.
5. Marat Safin – Some Tennis Trophy
Note how the guy in the back right of photos three and four continues to clap as he watches it fall on Marat’s head, and ultimately to the ground. His face is saying “Watch out for falling trophy!” but his hands are saying “Bravo!”
4. Kazuhiro Kokubo – The 2007 FIS Snowboard Second Place Trophy
I have no idea what this trophy looked like before it was smashed, but I’m guessing the oh-crap-did-you-just-see-my-trophy-fall-over-and-get-smashed look on his face tells me it was a little bigger than a handle and a small glass rod.
American heavy metal bands like Slayer and Metallica and Cannibal Corpse could learn a lesson from their Japanese counterpart. If you go into the studio with your vocal tracks totally perfect (if you hang on til the one minute mark you’ll see why), then you won’t need to spend a lot of time overdubbing and tweaking your songs. It’s simple. Anyone with ears can tell that this Japanese guy is the consummate professional. He had clearly worked very perfecting his songs before he even got into the studio. And clearly his hard work paid off. I mean, this song is clearly in the can and he’s ready to knock out the next one.
Other crap to look at:
Keeley Hazell and her delicious cleavage (cameltap)
Paris Hilton’s push up bra (drunkenstepfather)
The greatest inspirational speech of all time (doubleviking)
Nicky Fleites is attractive (tastybooze)
Christine Marie LeMaster is attractive (gorillamask)
Keryn Franco is another Olympic beauty (funtasticus)
Kevin Spacey grabbed some dude’s ass (TheBlemish)
Britney Spears new bikini body (FListed)
Bert and Ernie were thugs (BestWeekEver)
Really painful chin plant on bike jump (nothingtoxic)
Jenna Jameson nude in Private Parts (MrSkin)
What’s worst than catching your parents having sex? This. (DonChavez)
We’ve all contemplated doing this at some point, because traffic sucks. But we’ve all contemplated doing a lot of dumb shit that we never do because we’re not stupid. I think my favorite part of this is the outraged traffic reporter. 99.9 percent of the time, the only things traffic reporters get to do are make really forced segues like “and speaking of our troops being backed up in Iraq, The 5 is all backed up past the 710.”
DMX is a national treasure. Seriously. Basically DMX says all the things you wish you could say, but are too socially aware to because you realize the negative consequences that come with acting however the hell you want, whenever you want. Like, imagine you’re at the DMV and you’ve waited in a long line to renew your driver’s license. Then you get to the front of the line and they tell you you’re in the wrong line, and that you have to wait in another line, which is twice as long. Happens often, and most people argue a bit, then begrudgingly go in the other line. DMX would be like ‘I don’t give a f*&k that I filled out this green registration sheet when I need a pink renewal sheet BITCH! Sign that shit and give me my mo’f*&kin license!” Then he’s be arrested and sent to jail, but it doesn’t mean he’s not awesome.
It seems like the citizens of Spain spend the majority of their days having siestas, making racist gestures, and messing around with bulls. What is it with this country? I would have thought that tricking bulls with flashy capes and tight-fitting sequined outfits and running desperately through the streets with them would’ve been enough to quench Spain’s seemingly insatiable thirst to watch a man comingle with a bull. But I guess they just hadn’t thought of jumping over them yet. And now they have.