The next time Hollywood complains about dwindling sales and blames piracy instead of releasing crappy movies (Beverly Hills Chihuahua is still #1 in the box office, I think), maybe they should take a second to look at themselves. Imagine seeing this movie trailer on TV. Now imagine how fast you would go see this movie. If The Human Tornado came out today, it would rake in more than Lord of the Rings and Who’s Nailin’ Paylin combined.
I just have one question for the guy who puts 11 cockroaches in his mouth in an attempt to set a world record for putting: Why are you such a dickhole? I can see why people want to set world records for feats of strength and endurance, but what sort of sense of accomplishment do you get from cramming 11 large insects in your mouth? This is like telling the world’s oldest man that he set the record for taking the most shits of any human in the world. (Actually, I would kind of respect a guy who could set that record.)
But cramming roaches into your mouth is such a manufactured reason for a world record. When it’s all over and all the people have gone home and you’re lying in bed with only your thoughts, do you ponder your “world record” and think to yourself, “You did it, man. You pulled it off…11, that’s right, 11 cockroaches in your mouth at once. No one else has done that before. I am unique.” Or, more likely, are you thinking something like, “Why am I such a dickhole?” (I bet it’s the second one.)
Other crap to look at:
Shauna Sand has some large boobs (drunkenstepfather)
Melissa Reign is attractive (gorillamask)
NASCAR is America’s leading economic indicator (squeakypickle)
Danielle Lloyd looks sexy in Nuts (flisted)
Fat singing woman falls off table (nothingtoxic)
Would you play a game called “Ball Buster”? (EJB)
It’s a hot zombie calendar in time for Halloween (doubleviking)
Look! It’s one of the Spice Girls in a tiny bikini (cameltap)
Men’s pantyhose = mantyhose (tastybooze)
Guy admits to statutory rape after cop tells him to put a light on his bike (barstoolsports)
FHM’s This Week In Women: Hotties Gone Wrong (fhm)
Hunting with Palin (atom)
Melanie Brown has cleavage (note: this is the second spice girl linked to today. Sorry.) (theblemish)
Behind the scenes of Who’s Nailin’ Paylin (afrojacks)
Stephen Colbert’s “Children’s Hospital” (comedy.com)
Watch out for that table (donchavez)
Elena Barolo is attractive (uncoached)
Girls talk about how they lost their virginity (thefrisky)
Tobacco company offers new gross products (lemondrop)
Palin needs a map (youarehated)
Wacky Russian wedding cakes (funnlove)
Remember that South Park episode when Jimmy went up to Wendy and said, “Stan says you are a c-cunt c-c-cunt” and before he can say “continuous source of inspiration” Wendy slaps him? This is just like that except it happened on CNN’s live broadcast.
The Republicans have claimed that CNN has been in the bag for the Dems since the start of the election. But before they start attacking Kyra Phillips for being a biased reporter, maybe they should step back and take a second to realize that she was just trying to call Leslie Sanchez a c-c-cunt c-cunt…inous source of inspiration.
I don’t think I ever expected to hear a baseball player say these words in a post-game press conference:
“When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys , there’s no better feeling than to have that done.
What happened to the good ol’ fashioned high five? I wonder if we’ll see the number of late-inning heroics go down since players might be worried about having to get their ass hammered if they hit the game winning home run.
Remember that time your female bicycle gang was attacked by those evil construction gang and you had to use your sweet BMX bikes to do some serious two-wheeled Kung Fu on their asses to teach them a lesson? Do you also remember that you hear a peel-out noise every time you either hit the breaks on your bike, or pedal it…or ride it. And let’s not forget that time you pulled off a slow-motion bunny hop over your friend. Or the time…ahh, never mind. Just watch this awesome video.
I guess I didn’t realize that, because there are so many different types of women in the world, that you need to keep your fridge and pantry fully stocked to be prepared to suit their needs. How do you expect to have sex with a single mother if you aren’t able to distract her young child with a freezer pop if there are no freezer pops in your freezer? How do you expect to keep an overweight girl interested if you have no ice cream sandwiches? And how are you going to impress a hoodrat if you don’t have 18 cans of Cherry Coke? Thanks to this informative video, you can now answer life’s most difficult questions.
So, here’s the deal. Amp, the company that makes the world’s most popular energy drinks, wants you to make a funny 90-second video that incorporates the brand new Amp energy shots. (They aren’t released yet, so we’ll send them to you once you give us your address.) And just to make it worth your while, the top three videos will win $500. For example, you could make a video like the one above, but just hit a can of Amp Energy Shots off your friend’s face instead a golf ball and boom, you’re $500 richer.
And now, here are the rules some lawyers wrote up:
-The video should be less than 90 seconds (no limit on minimum)
-The video should not include excessive cursing or encourage danger
-The best entry will be one that not only shows the product, but also is truly entertaining and creative
-Top three videos get $500
And just to add a little extra, the first 30 people who want to participate in this contest and send their mailing addresses to firstname.lastname@example.org will win 6 bottles of the not-yet-released Amp Energy Shot. So what are you waiting for? Get to winning!
Ahh, if only Chris Farley were here to sing about a fat guy in a little moat. But since he’s not, we’ll just have to watch this video of a fat, naked man swimming around in the moat around the Japanese Imperial Palace and eluding Tokyo police with by throwing rocks at them and by being naked.
This guy is probably totally crazy, but whenever I see someone do something like this I wonder if sometimes they’re just regular guys with regular jobs who are at the end of a totally awesome bender. Could you imagine coming to in a jail cell wondering where your clothes are and why your fat ass is on the news splashing cops and trying to climb high rock walls in front of 500 tourists. Man, that is going to make Monday morning around the water cooler a tiny bit awkward.
See Some Fantastic Stills Of This After The Jump. They’re Somehow Better Than The Video.
I never really noticed that John McCain sounded like The Penguin from Batman, but I guess that’s because I never noticed him wearing a crudely drawn top hat, carrying a purple umbrella and smoking out of a cigarette holder. I’m not sure how I missed that before…
I know we’re at war and we’re one month away from an election, but I just have one unpatriotic question: Why does the USA suck so much? Sure, we have free speech and a shitload of Burger Kings, but where are our restaurants that employ monkey waiters? All the recent talk of how we’re run by the free market isn’t holding much water when Japan is kicking our ass in the “Mind-Blowing Ideas That Will Make A Lot Of Money” department. Do you understand how many times I would eat at a restaurant that had macaque monkeys bringing me a beer in exchange for boiled soybeans? I would be there for breakfast, brunch, lunch, lupper, linner, dinner, supper and a midnight snack. And then I might pop in there just to say “hi” if i had a spare moment between linner and dinner.
Other crap to look at:
Rose McGowan talks to the paparazzi (drunkenstepfather)
Kim Kardashian says her boobs are real (FListed)
Brandy Dahl hates clothes (gorillamask)
Gogo Mastrokosta has a hilarious name. But is super hot. (doubleviking)
Drunk soccer fan face falls off bleachers (nothingtoxic)
Tourette’s guy remix (cameltap)
Katy Perry is stacked (theblemish)
Clown flips out at a kid’s party (EJB)
If you’re going to be a nerd, do it with beer (tastybooze)
Awesome coffins (funtasticus)
Nicolette Sheriden in a bikini (donchavez)
Lisa Ann will be playing Sarah Palin in the new porno called Nailin’ Paylin (afrojacks)