Doing this job, you sift through a lot of shitty videos. Usually they fall into the category of “just bad,” but every once in a while, they fall into the category of “awkwardly amazing.” And then, there’s the one time where you realize that you have found the worst video on the Internet. This is that time. I was looking through cartoon theme songs just because I have no life, and I came across this. The levels of shitty in this video are, by all accounts, unprecedented. Let’s explain:
This is a “parody” of the credits to a cartoon called “Captain Planet” where (I think) five “planeteers” combine themselves to form Captain Planet. In the closing credits of the cartoon each of the Planeteers yells out what they are (Earth! Fire! Wind! etc) and then they sing a song about how Captain Planet is a hero.
What the maker of this video did was turn Captain Planet’s theme music into the world’s most embarrassing song about Michael Jackson molesting children. Without trying to understand why he did this, here is the full transcript:
Captain Planet Parody Lyrics:
Gooooo Humpkin! (?)
All the positions combined I am a child molester.
Michael Jackson he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.
He’s a deepest, darkest nightmare. Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.
Michael Jackson, he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.
Gonna help him put his pillow underage kids so we can have a blow-ho.
“Please don’t touch me, Michael!” We’re the Never-ranchers. You can be one too! Getting molested and suing is the thing to do. S
ame age people is not the way, hear what Michael Jackson has to say.
I would really like to see this kid (man?) sitting in his mom’s basement and talking to himself as he was writing up these lyrics. It had to go something like this:
Captain Planet Parody Writer: OK, let’s see…let’s see here….what rhymes with “nightmare”…hmmm…what…rhymes…with… niiiiightmare….? Think, man, think. It needs to be hilarious….but not too over the top. Anal flare? No, too much, too much. Gay bear? No, but write that down, that could work for another one of my parodies. McDonaldland? No, that’s not a rhyme. Wait, I’ve got it! Butt’s bare! “Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.” That is parody genius right there. Yes! This shit is gold. Now it’s ready for the Internet!”
Kirk Cameron, the guy you used to know as Mike Seaver but now know as Bible Thumping Guy With 80s Perm, really put his career that he no longer has on the line and took a stand against directors everywhere:
The former star of the TV sitcom “Growing Pains” refused to kiss the actress who played his wife in his new movie “Fireproof,” he told the “Today” show on Monday.
“I have a commitment not to kiss any other woman, he told the morning show. So his real wife, actress Chelsea Noble, was the body double for the onscreen kiss.
“So when I’m kissing my wife, we’re actually husband and wife honoring marriage behind the scenes, Cameron told “Today.”
The former child star became an evangelical Christian at 17 and is involved in The Way of the Master ministries.
Way to go, Kirk. You have totally sacrificed the artistic integrity your new (and only) movie just so you can live in the eternal city of heaven and enjoy everlasting peace and divine knowledge. Well, that sounds a little selfish to me. Do you think all those other directors who make straight-to-DVD Jesus-based movies will want to work with a diva like you now? Consider yourself blacklisted by the two, or possibly three, directors who would be hard up enough to cast you in one of their movies where a guy loses faith in God and then something bad happens to him which makes him realize that God does exist and once he accepts God his life is fulfilling and all his dreams comes true…and for some reason this only happens to white people in the suburbs.
The real question, though, is would you make out with this guy?
Other Crap To Look At:
Jessica Alba takes her post-pregnant body to the beach (drunkenstepfather)
Rubint Reka in a tiny bikini (cameltap)
This is a terrible UFC fight (EJB)
Intense brawl after college football game (nothingtoxic)
Jennifer Aniston is in a bikini (theblemish)
Trista Geyer is way hotter than Ana Gasteyer (gorillamask)
Laky Zsuzsi is attractive (doubleviking)
When I think of real baseball guys, George Brett is one of the first that comes to mind. He always looks like he’s just bathed in pine tar and nailed three fat chicks in an effort to break an 0-21 slump. This video confirms it. I don’t know if he forgot he had a mic on him, or if he just didn’t give a shit, but the man can tell a story. I’ve shit myself before, and I’ve even told stories about it, but never with the gusto and showmanship that George Brett exhibits in this video. If there were a hall of fame of shitting yourself stories, he’d be a first ballot selection along with my friend Kyle who shit himself just as he walked into a job interview at AAMCO.
Sometimes when you love something a lot, the only way to really show that love is through a choreographed song and dance. I’ve been working on one for Yogurt and Green Onion Kettle Chips, but it’s not finished yet.
I really, really hope that the main dude in this video was like a bad ass break dancer who did a bunch of coke and banged a ton of chicks. Then one day during a break dance battle he lost his cool and killed a rival dancer who taunted him with a 360 head spin and a nut grab in his direction. Then in jail, a priest told him that God has given him the gift of being able to do the robot, and that that gift must be used for good, or to warm up crowds before the Shamu show at Sea World, but definitely not evil.
I wish other people could channel the monologue power of Alec Baldwin so that my life could be more entertaining. Imagine you’re at a restaurant and Baldwin is the waiter and he comes over to your table and is like “You listen to me you shit head, todays specials are going to BLOW your f*&king mind like you took them to a back alley and gave them thirty bucks. This pastrami on rye is going to leap off the bread (gets closer to your face) and run down your pants. Then it’s gonna say a quick hello to your nutsack before it JAMS ITSELF UP YOUR ASSHOLE and makes a little home there. Maybe has a few kids. You understand what I’m saying? You understand you have to order this? Good.” In honor of Baldwin, I’ve added the Glengarry Glen Ross monologue below. Enjoy.
We’d like to salute these youngsters for getting up onstage and giving it their all. If these kids keep practicing, they’ll surely get better. But until then, let’s all enjoy the lighter side of teenagers learning how to play their instruments.
The Worst Iron Man Cover – Watch more free videos 5. Iron Man – Unnamed 7th Grade Talent Show Band
When this first starts out you’re sort of like, “Hey, this isn’t too bad.” And then the drums kick in and the rhythm goes to hell and then it all just completely falls apart. Sort of like Ozzy’s life.
The Worst Nirvana Cover Ever – Watch more free videos 4. Smells Like Teen Spirit – The Hackley School Band
Say what you will about her vocal stylings, but the singer has got moxie. But the high point of this video, in my opinion, is the searing solo at the 2:52 mark. That dude can totally shred.
There’s dogs acting like humans, and then there’s this. I beg of you to watch the whole thing. Any time they make a small dog into a sex-crazed 1920s bad guy who wears a tuxedo and a top hat and is attempting to sexually assault a dog in a dress, I feel like I need to share it with you. I don’t give a shit what anyone says, you can show me all the CGI explosions in the world and it’s not as cool as a group of dogs walking on two legs in formal attire.
If there was an Internet election, I would vote for this kid to be the Sultan Emperor Prime Minister King of the World Wide Web. He is the champion of the Internet. Watching him hand a verbal beatdown to everyone who made fun of his Youtube video is like watching a mom scold her child for crapping it’s pants at the mall. He just went on the Internet to give his opinions about the Denver Broncos and he has to put up with some asshole saying he “has testicles in his mouth.” Why can’t it just be about the Denver Broncos and not about mouth testicles? This is a question I’ve been asking the Internet for years, so I’m glad someone finally has the guts (I was going to say “balls,” but I think this post has enough testicle references) to come out and ask the questions we’re all too afraid to ask.
I don’t think this video needs any explanation. It is what it is: A man wearing a mask made out of firecracker-laden bananas. Then, he calmly and deliberately lights the firecrackers while still wearing the banana mask. (The best one, by far, is at the 1:42 mark.)
I have no idea if this was made on a dare, as a prank on humanity or if it was entered into the “Make A Video That Would Simultaneously Scare And Soothe You” contest. All I know is that I’m glad it exists.
If this isn’t the weirdest thing you’ve seen today, then please send an email to email@example.com with a link to what IS the weirdest thing you’ve seen today. Chances are we’ll post it.