So, about a year or so ago, a group of terrorists tried to get together enough funding to carry out an attack on JFK airport. They had the idea, did the research, but when they pitched their idea to some larger terrorist organizations in order to get funding, well…. it didn’t go so well. Anyway, we heard this and it got us to thinking, being a terrorist sounds a lot like being a screenwriter. Enjoy this video we did in conjunction with the guys over at thecword.
I’m the first person to admit that I am pretty stupid. I’ve been to known to forget such important things as where I parked my car, what time I’m supposed to be somewhere, and wiping. But I’m pretty sure that I’m smart enough to know that if I had stolen a wad of cash from a 10-year-old Girl Scout (which I have) that I wouldn’t tell a reporter about my crime on camera (don’t read that last parenthesis). These girls, who are also somehow now angry at the little girl they stole from, apparently are not.
Hooray! You just won the Memorial Cup as champions of the WHL! All that hard work and sweat has paid off and now you can kick back and bask in the glow of winning! But as you hoist the trophy and skate around the ice, the trophy breaks…so, instead of reaping your reward you just sort of stand there for a few minutes and stare at it. Then you make a half-assed attempt at putting it back together, and when that doesn’t work, you just put it in a pile, hand to one of your teammates and skate off. Congratulations!
I’m no soccer expert, but I’m pretty sure the “nut shot, nut shot, off-the-face” play isn’t going to score you many goals. Having been in a few of these sporting situations in the past, I would like to offer this young man a little advice: Stay down. Getting up will only make them kick you in the very sensitive parts over and over again. Learn to play an instrument (a real one like drums or a guitar, not a woodwind or brass) and focus on your studies. In short, just chalk these school years up to “experience.”
Later on when you have a decent paying job, a nice car and a girlfriend, you will…turn into some investment banker asshole who spends his entire life treating everyone like shit as a way of overcompensating for years of humiliation. Hmmm. Nevermind. My new advice, I guess, is: Never try anything ever. (And then blog about it.)
I would be really upset if Denise Richards asked me for my sperm, mostly because I feel like if I’m going to give someone my sperm, it should be done in the way God wanted it to be done: namely jerking it into a turkey baster and dropping it off in front of her doorstep and running away. At least that’s what my weird Uncle does.
So she thinks he doctored the e-mail. Well, let me just say, I have a copy of said e-mail and we can all see, a)this e-mail is not doctored, and b)she not only wanted the sperm, but had big plans for it, and c)I don’t think she fully understands the plot to Jurassic Park.
What better place to pull out your best onstage whorin’ moves than on the Today Show at nine o’clock in the morning…in front of 25 six-year-olds. The look of shame on the young girl in the white and blue jacket at the :29 second mark really says it all. I’m assuming after the show she had a few questions for her mom. I’m pretty sure this is how their conversation went:
Little Girl: Why did the STD lady make baby Jesus cry?
Mom: Well, do you know what methamphetamine is?
Little Girl: Metham…whatamine?
Mom: Methamphetamine. It’s a drug that makes people forget where they are and do crazy things like give make-believe mouth sex to tubby guitarists onstage during a family program.
Little Girl: Is that why she also has “trailer park face”?
Mom: Now you’re learning! You make me so proud!
Little Girl: Then why do I still feel empty inside.
Mom: That’s because the trailer-park-STD-meth lady just took away some of your innocence. And the bad news is, you’ll never ever get it back.
You may remember our 12 videos of famous people falling down we put up a few weeks ago. Well, someone seemed to like it so much that they put together a lovely montage of runway models falling down on the runway. Models have two jobs: 1) look pretty, and 2) walk upright. If they weren’t empty and rich and high on cocaine and power, I might actually feel sorry for them when they weren’t able to pull off #2. But since they are, I’m not.
So, they’re remaking 90210, which the guy who sits next to me says “Is like remaking The Godfather.” I’m not sure I fully agree with him, but I do agree that no one gives a shit about a 90210 remake. So, in an effort to translate what these new characters are all about, I went ahead and used my Bullshit Translator 5000, so that we could hear what they were really saying.
If I had a nickel for every time a flying peniscopter came swooping in during one of my many important speeches, well, I don’t think I would have any nickels. But this Russian guy would have at least one.