While he’s no Mike Ditka,Jeff Gordon or Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Romo put on quite a vocal performance at the Cubs game last weekend. He should give his girlfriend and noted Cowboy-killer Jessica Simpson a tip or two on how to belt out a beautiful song. (I think the key is to hold the microphone far away from your face.)
We all know Bill O’Reilly as the fuzzy, cuddly little bear that loves interacting with those around him. Normally he treats everyone with the utmost respect and dignity. Hell, sometimes I just want to crawl up onto his lap and tell him of my hopes and dreams. But that makes this video of Big Bad Bill screaming at his producer so out of character. Maybe he just hadn’t had his morning coffee yet. Or maybe he needed a nap. Or, on second thought, maybe he is a raving lunatic who melts down at the smallest provocation. Either way, I’m going to watch this video 400 times today. Maybe you should, too.
This is a religious tradition in Bulgaria where they “bathe” you in “holy water.” It looks more like they “Dunk the shit out of you” in “dirty ass mud water,” while you “scream for you f-ing life.” This is why I’m thankful that when I was 7 my dad told me there is no God and when you die your body decomposes into dirt or an animal eats your carcass.
It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday and we all know what that’s going to be like. There will be a lot of guilt, crying, complaining, threats of divorce, threats of bodily harm, actual bodily harm, and some wonderful family time. There will also be a lot of disappointment about your choice of career and/or girlfriend.
From the same people that brought you The Christmas Tree, this video does a good job of showing the world how most of New Jersey spends its Mother’s Day (chin stubble included.)
In the pantheon of game shows, Wheel of Fortune doesn’t require the highest amount of brain power. It’s no Mastermind or Jeopardy. Hell, it’s not as difficult as Press Your Luck. I’m not sure if they even have qualifications to get on the aside from “Can you stand upright for 25 minutes?” and “Do you know what a ‘person’ is?”
I know sometimes we write humorous headlines like the one above for the sake of humor, but this one is real. A genius prank by TNT’s Ernie “Don’t Call Me McCracken” Johnson got Charles Barkley to admit that he is, in fact, a dumbass. If I didn’t love Charles so much I might actually agree with him.
Let’s face it, baseball can be a slow-moving and tedious game to watch. If you’re, say, 18-months-old, it may be difficult to follow the mental chess-game that’s taking place on the field. Do you really expect a toddler comprehend the little nuances of a pitcher setting a batter up with a curveball so he can blow a fastball right by him? No. So the baby’s going to get a little bored. And what better way to kill a little boredom than by giving yourself a mohawk, chilling with the mascot and knocking back a few stadium brews.
Stereotypes are some of the most difficult things to overcome for any race. Every time you think your people start making some headway, someone has to mess it up for everybody. Well, we think it’s about time every race got their own publicist and started putting a gag order on some of their members, cause letting these people parade around like they represent all of us is the last thing we need. Here’s a list of who we’d make sure was never allowed anywhere near a camera.
ANYONE FROM GROWING UP GOTTI
Any show that features a family of someone in the mafia arguing over who’s been stealing who’s hair gel, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say probably doesn’t bring a large sense of pride to Italians.
JERSEY SHORE KIDS
These kids have managed to make covering yourself in orange an Italian stereotype. Not only that, but they insist on showing these tans by taking photos every time they get near an automobile worth more than 23,000 dollars and posting it on the internet for all to see
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Well, there’s the whole responsible for 9/11 thing that caused every person with a beard to have to get to the airport 4 hours before their flight. But to top it off, he puts out video after video calling for the murder of anyone from the western world. He’s like an evil lonely girl 15, except he doesn’t give nerds hope that they might one day get laid by an attractive woman, which in and of itself is also fairly evil.
It’s bad enough when people deny the holocaust ever happened, but it reaches another level when you hold a convention for those people that features a brunch and lectures. Just when you think tensions between Jews and the middle east are getting better, he calls for Israel to be “wiped off the map. That’s like if your neighbor was letting his lawn get too unruly and you politely spoke to him and smoothed it over, then your roommate went over there and called his wife a dirty whore. There’s not really any going back from a statement like that.