Remember going to Showbiz Pizza and Chuck E. Cheese as a kid and seeing those creepy robot animal bands playing some crappy versions of hit songs and their own personal compositions about how much they loved pizza? Well, some computer whiz who apparently works at a Chuck E. Cheese waited until all the kiddies went home and put on his own show by programming these herky-jerky monsters to play “London Bridge” by Fergie, another herky-jerky monster. The camera work is a little off, but anyone who was forced to go to a shitty pizza party at one of these establishments as a child will appreciate this.
You may think Holy Taco is only about making you laugh, but sometimes, we feel it’s our duty to educate our readers about the world in which we live in. One of the things in that world is boobs. We were either going to make a video called “A Brief History of The Tax Code” or this video. I still think the tax code one could have been cool.
There are a few people in the world that I don’t want to see having sex. Some of them are: Penn Gillette, Arnold Palmer, Frank Stallone, that cerebral palsy chick from Facts of Life, Flozell Adams, Burt Wolf, Brian Dunkelman, Maxi Priest, Scottie Pippen, Rachel Dratch and Louie Anderson. I used to think that Gene Simmons was on that list, but I just watched his sex tape he made with some Australian model known only as Elsa. See, you learn something new about yourself every day.
Watching shit blow up is as American as baseball, apple pie and morbid obesity. If anyone has a video of a morbidly obese baseball player exploding while eating an apple pie, please send that to me immediately. You would be a true American.
This cop is crying because some punk kids at a fast food restaurant fed him and his partner a pot-laced burger and basically got away with it because the judge was clearly a pot smoker himself (have you ever seen a judge with hair like that?) Anyway, here’s how I imagine the cop’s post-burger conversation went as they were driving around in the squad car.
Cop #1: Oh man…could you imagine, like…jail?
Cop #2: You mean, like, being in jail?
Cop #1: Yeah. Jail.
Cop #2: Oh man, no, no, no way man. That would be craazzy. Do you, like, feel OK?
Cop #1: Man, I feel fiiiiiiiiine. I haven’t felt this good since I was, like, 16.
Cop #2: Me too, man. Hey, we should go back and get some more of those burgers. They were tast-to the motherfuckin’-eee.
Cop #1: I’m so high right now. Let’s run some red lights and beat up some homeless dudes.
Cop #2: What did you say?
Cop #1: Uhhh…I can’t remember. Let me see….something about…I’m so high right now and…I wanna beat up some homeless dudes?
If I had a nickel every time someone asked me for a video of Lionel Richie sucking a helium balloon on a German talk show and singing a few bars of his hit love song, “Hello,” I would have zero nickels. But now I have the video just in case.
We all get annoyed with our roommates. But unfortunately, not all of us are 6’2″, 240 pound mixed martial artists. The next series like this I’d like to see is “What Would Kimbo Wear?” Which would be a show on Bravo where budding fashion designers try to please Kimbo with outfits they’ve created.
At this point, is there really anyone who’s not sure what the f*&k happens to you when you get tasered? I love how every news crew has the one guy who “tests out” all the wacky ass/dangerous shit that comes through the news room for the color piece they want to run right before sports. How does the process work for doing these stories? Here’s how I envision these pieces coming about:
NEWS PRODUCER #1: Hey, it looks like that piece we have on soldiers coming home isn’t going to be ready by six. We need to fill four minutes.
NEWS PRODUCER #2: Hmmm. Well, I saw this new product that cuts a hole in your nut sack and then cleans your actual testicles. We could get Bob to try it out on camera.
Alright, I can roll with the first few competitions I saw on here, like the pulling stuff with your teeth, and the sledge hammer on the dude’s chest. Those at least have concepts I can grasp. But someone please explain to me, what the hell was going on in that event at the end, where the one guy sitting down had a rod going into his crotch being pushed on at the other end by another dude who was only using his chest? How do you score points in that event? Or is it like figure skating, where it’s all about style and power? If so, is there a tough Russian judge who always gives people a 2.75? I need answers people, and I’m lazy. Someone look this up for me.
In case you haven’t seen it, there’s a group called “Anonymous” that has made several videos threatening the church of scientology. Check one out here. Recently, Stephen Hawking saw these videos and was more than just a bit upset. Now, he’s made his own video response. Check it out below:
In case you had trouble hearing, here’s the transcript:
This is a message to Anonymous from Stephen Hawking. Hey, tough guy, where do you get off stealing my voice? You talk big smack to scientology but what will you do when I rain down my wheels of fury upon your candy ass? This is my voice. Not yours. Mine. You hear me you son of a bitch? I was telling the world about cosmic worm holes while you were still a load in your father’s nut sack. Do you know how many e-mails I have gotten from people asking why I hate Tom Cruise? Do you know how long it takes to respond to an e-mail when you can not move your hands? Unlike Scientology, I do not have a litigious nature. If you fuck with me, I will come to your house and rape your dog in front of you. I will sew your asshole shut and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you. That is right. I am a crazy motherfucker. Just try me, bitch. Hawking out.