This week, the Internet was abuzz over Demi Moore tweeting an out-of-focus picture of herself in a bikini. Not to be outdone, another old bag named Lisa Rinna followed suit, tweeting out a pic of her nearly fifty-year-old ass to anyone who cared to see it. Granted, they both look pretty hot for their age (the fact that up close they probably look like a weathered leather sofa not withstanding). But whether or not they look good isn’t the issue. The real question is why should we give a shit about these, or any other, celebrity bikini tweets?
The obvious answer is "tits." Guys love ‘em, girls love ‘em, even babies love ‘em. Rest assured, I love ‘em too, which is why I’m so confused by the Internet’s fascination with these bikini tweets. I’ll spare you the clichéd “Is this really news?” speech. But does this even count as celebrity gossip? According to Google News, hundreds of articles have been written about these women since they posted their pics. Why? There are literally millions of photos of beautiful topless women floating around cyberspace for all to enjoy. Given that fact, why in the hell should we care about some attention whores who aren’t even naked? It doesn’t make sense.
The fact that so many celebrities and wannabe celebrities (Kim Kardashian and Adrianne Curry come to mind) are employing the bikini tweet for attention isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is the sheer laziness of it all. In the case of Kardashian, the world has already seen her getting plowed six ways from Sunday by some slime-ball rapper. Why is tweeting out a bikini pic supposed to impress us? We’ve seen your anus, lady! A swimsuit ain’t gonna cut it!
And as for Adrianne Curry (and others like her), it’s not that her pics aren’t hot. In fact, if the year was 1952, and Curry was sending everyone bikini pics in the mail, I’d be overjoyed! But it’s not 1952, or even 1982. It’s 2010. When I was born, my TV picked up five stations. Today, it can get dozens that are entirely devoted to hard-core pornography, and in HD, no less. It’s a brave new world, but it’s also a world where bikini shots from your shitty camera phone are about as useful as a Sony Discman.
What’s extra frustrating about all the attention these pictures get is the fact that they take the spotlight away from hardworking girls who are literally busting their asses to gain our approval. Every time guys are looking at a picture of Paris Hilton wearing a stupid swimsuit, they could be looking at adult film star Faye Reagan wearing fellow starlet Ashlynn Brooke like a feedbag. Whenever people are focused on some skank from Jersey Shore wearing a short skirt, it takes away from Bree Olson wearing someone else’s DNA (and for free).
This is America, where hard work and determination are supposed to be rewarded. You tell me who’s working harder: some spoiled-rich brat sitting at the beach taking pictures of herself, or some barley-legal teen who just got off the bus from Idaho and wound up on the casting couch? For shame, America! You’ve lost your way.
To be fair, I’m not saying that the celebrity bikini tweet has no place in our society. Those of us who work in a corporate environment but just can’t wait until 5 pm to look at breasts might be able to get away with girls in bikinis, especially if the pictures are on a “news” site. The same goes for teenagers with overprotective parents. And those of us who are religious and have been trained to feel guilt when looking at a naked woman can probably rationalize gazing at Kim Kardashian’s giant ass pouring out of a tiny swimsuit. But these exceptions cannot justify the level of attention given to these tweets.
It is for this reason that I implore you to stop paying attention to these pointless pictures. There’s a whole world of hot naked women at your finger tips. Choosing these celeb bikini tweets instead is like choosing McDonalds over a porterhouse. Our time on this Earth is short. Don’t waste it.
In loving memory of Discovery Channel Hostage Taker and my good friend James Jay Lee.