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Celebrate Pie Season with Pie

Fall is in full swing and if you live in a part of the world in which leaves turn colors, they turned colored.  Some people find that beautiful.  For the rest of us it means we have to rake the damn lawn again.  Oh good, the tree shat everywhere.  Wonderful.

Aside from tree feces, the Fall also provide for us the glory of the harvest season with its pumpkins and squash and corn or whatever.  And also pie.  Really, the only reason to put up with Fall is the pie.  Otherwise it can screw itself.  Cold rain and wind and frost?  Frost?  Like in the freezer?  So lame.

Anyway, since tis the season of pie, you need to familiarize yourself with pie.  A lot of people are going to try to get you to eat apple pie and you don’t want that because apple pie is about as creative as white bread and missionary sex.

Bacon and Bourbon Pecan Pie

This sounds made up but I swear it’s a real thing.  Here’s a link and everything, other people consumed this.  It’s pecan pie only you need to add bacon and alcohol.  It’s like my dad only less objectionable because it won’t ruin holidays, it will actually make them better.

Now I’m not one to jump on the bacon bandwagon, I make fun of it more often than not but never let that convince I don’t love and cherish bacon, nor that I wouldn’t punch a child right in his saucy mouth to get some if I was in need.  Of course bacon is delicious, but it’s food so let’s not act like morons about it.

That said, bacon and bourbon and pecan pie is so good I would probably let it tuck me in at night and I would offer to wash its back in the bath.


Key Lime Pie

A well made key lime pie is like winning $50 on a lottery ticket that cost you $1.  Is it the best thing ever?  No, don’t be stupid.  But is it kind of awesome?  Yes, yes it is.  Keep in mind, however, that “well made” is the important part of that statement.  I once ate a key lime pie that some ne’re-do-well slapped together presumably from the corpse of a few limes, a pound of sugar and actual, solidified hatred for me, personally and it was abhorrent in every way.  It tasted like citrus’ asshole if it had been steeped in sugar water and soggy graham crackers and I almost had to champion justice with my fists right then.  Like literally, one of the few appropriate reactions was to take out the pie maker for the sake of us all.

A proper key lime pie does not need to be glow in the dark green or look like cartoon toxic waste.  It can be totally into the yellow, because green food coloring is not actually a part of any food group and you don’t really need it.  I’ll believe you if you tell me it’s lime without the visual aid.

Cherry Pie

Don’t you dare even think about sassing my cherry pie.  Yes it’s a stalwart and it’s old school and it seems mundane but there’s a reason cherry pie became a sexual metaphor and that is because cherry pie is the sex of food.  You thought it was hot dogs and clams but you were dead wrong.

The strength of cherry pie is the fact that cherries are delicious and mostly shame all other fruits.  Like seriously, have a bowl of cherries and a quince and try to even fathom tasting the goddamn quince.  Half of you probably think I made that fruit up right now but I didn’t, it’s a real thing, and it sucks so bad you never heard of it because the quince growers of America are so apathetic about their shitty fruit they can’t even be bothered to try to promote it in any way.  Have you ever had a quince pie?  Of course not, that would be like tasting fart.

If you only eat one pie this pie season, make it a cherry pie.  You take that apple pie that every fool tries to feed you and throw it in their dirty faces.  Cherry.  Solid.

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