OH MY GOOD FREAKING GOD! If you’re like me, you’re still sitting in a puddle of your own excited fluids after last night’s intense premiere of Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cook Off. Season one featured luminaries like Coolio and Joey Fatone but this season’s most famous contestant is Gilbert Gottfried. GILBERT GOTTFRIED! Other celebrities include Kathy Najimy, star of the 21 year old movie Sister Act, Carnie Wilson from 23 year old pop group Wilson Phillips and Chili, one third of 20 year old R&B group TLC. Basically everyone on the show was famous back when Guy Fieri decided on his hair style and fashion sense, with the exception of Hines Ward who won Superbowl MVP in the 2005 season.
With this level of star power on board, you have to wonder who got sidelined. Who wasn’t good enough to make the cut over at the Food Network? Who’s on Guy Fieri’s B list? Well lucky you, because I have insider contacts over at the Food Network (my gardener is Iron Chef Mario Batali) and I was able to get the scoop on this season’s cut cast members. Look at the next paragraph!
Paul Wylie (1992 Winter Olympics Figure Skating Silver Medalist)
After taking home silver at the 92 Winter Olympics in Albertville (country unknown), Wylie went on to continue existing. Even to this day Wylie is a thing that exists in the world. Unfortunately for him, his place on Celebrity Chef Cook Off was ultimately given to Johnny Weird, who is a different skater and thing that exists.
Star of Airwolf in which he played awesomely named Stringfellow Hawke, Jan-Michael is retired and old. He’s survived a couple of bad car accidents and was also once on Nash Bridges. His lucrative spot on the show was usurped by the mighty Cornelia Guest who is someone named Corneila. In real life!
Remember Danny Pintauro? He was the kid on Who’s the Boss and later he trolled for gay dudes on the internet as is something gay dudes probably do frequently, except for how when it’ a once-famous gay dude it gets to be news! Imagine if Gary Busey was trolling for pumpkins to hump on the internet. That’d be something. Danny Pintauro lost his spot to a can of tomato paste. Look for it in episode 3.
The Ghost of Richard Mulligan
Star of Empty Nest Richard Mulligan has been dead since 1999. His ghost was set to join Team Rachael Ray until everyone realized ghosts aren’t real. Instead, enjoy watching Dean McDermott. He had sex with Tori Spelling on purpose.
Still living former star of Empty Nest David Leisure and also one time Joe Isuzu David Leisure has more talent in his pinky finger than a massive empty bucket does. Leisure known for his excellent toast recipes, was so stoked to be on the show he actually moved into the basement of the studio and has been living there for 6 months. He was replaced by Carnie Wilson because he’s sp creepy.
Holy shit, do you remember Ma$e? He used a dollar sign as an S way before Ke$ha. Then he went insane. He never showed up for filming so they replaced him with Gilbert Gottfried.
ALF is a midget who went insane in the late 1980’s and refuses to take off a costume. He smells abhorrent. He was fired after he told Rachael Ray he could smell her vagina. He was not replaced.
Luke “the Gooch” Hayes, Stand In for Jaleel White
There was a time when Family Matters was the biggest show in NBC’s Must See TV line up. In fairness, the show always sucked, but people had nothing else to watch back then and TV has proven time and again people will watch anything if it gets put on TV, so who gives a shit if it’s any good. That said, when Jaleel “Steve Urkel” White wasn’t needed on set during rehearsals, his stand in, Luke the Gooch would don the suspenders for scene blocking.
The Gooch died on set.