Celebrity Politicans We’d Like to See

Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono and Arnold Schwarzenegger are trendsetters we can get behind – dudes who were mostly unqualified for their jobs who were elected to powerful positions anyway. That’s awesome. That’s America (and most of the rest of the world). But these guys stand out for being not just kind of bumbling, but for being kind of bumbling celebrities. And now that Levi Johnson, who we hear is famous, Linda McMahon and Wyclef Jean are trying to get into the politics game, it seems only reasonable we offer up a few more suggestions;

Secretary of Education

Tough call on this one with so many ironic jokes at our disposal. Should the Black Eyed Peas make a group run? Tara Reid? Jessica Simpson? So many choices. But when it comes right down to having the education needs of the youth of America in mind, probably no one is a better choice than Megan Fox. She’s hot, so you’d be inclined to want to listen to what she has to say, but on the other hand she gets angry when people use big words, like when she criticized Scarlett Johansson for using SAT words in interviews. Probably words like “pride” and “employed.”

Secretary of Health

Jenny McCarthy. Pound for pound, you can’t overcome the damage done by Jenny McCarthy to the health of Americans thanks to people believing any bullshit they hear on Oprah. In this case, McCarthy claimed vaccinations can lead to autism and convinced throngs of parents to not have their children vaccinated against disease, despite things like science standing in direct opposition to her claims. But who are you going to believe, science or a Playboy model known for farting?

Secretary of Treasury

Nicholas Cage deserves this position more than anyone, even MC Hammer and that’s saying something. Nic Cage is one of the highest paid actors in Hollywood, for reasons not even NASA could explain after researching it for a year, and yet he owes millions of dollars in back taxes. How did he react? By selling his Bavarian castle and a handful of mansions. And $1.6 million worth of comics. Anyone who goes into debt with a Bavarian mansion and the first appearance of Superman knows how to work money.

Secretary of State

Hilary Clinton is sort of a pseudo celebrity as it is, but has no hilarious cache in matters of foreign relations. No, when it comes to a real secretary of state, Hollywood has but one answer – Mel Gibson. The man screams tolerance, then some obscenities, then more tolerance. Then he’ll punch a woman and blame a Jew. When you have to go toe-to-toe with shitheads like Kim Jong-Il, you need that kind of madness.

Secretary of Defense

No one cared about this job until Donald Rumsfeld made it hilarious (the second time, not when he held the job under Gerald Ford, because who cared about his administration?). Now that we know the Secretary of Defense can serve not once, but twice with what generals call “abysmal” military planning skills and the leadership abilities of a dildo with a face drawn on it, the sky’s the limit for who could fill this position in the future, so long as it’s someone with a lot of misplaced rage and fury. So maybe Vin Diesel in character as Riddick the entire time. Let’s see foreigners f*ck with us then.

Secretary of Homeland Security

As far as the media has informed us since the creation of this branch of government, the Department of Homeland Security has mostly been concerned with taking tiny bottles of shampoo from air travelers and violating the privacy of average citizens. Who else do we know who has a vested interest in hygiene and whose presence would be considered invasive? Amy Winehouse. Sue, she’s English and a raving alcoholic, but she’s bound to have some brilliant ideas for cracking down on nail files and bottled water.

Attorney General

You know how you know the Attorney General is awesome? Because he’s not the Secretary of Justice. Because secretary implies bitch and he’s no one’s bitch. He makes bitches. And that means Clint Eastwood. Why? Because he seems like the kind of man who would end a conversation by slapping your sassy mouth and if he read this article he’d call us all retards and we’d deserve it.