Listen, try to wrap your skull around this concept. I’ll have someone draw some pictures for you later if it’s too much for you, OK? I just won. Have you been on the internet? Newsflash, you’re on it right now. It’s in computers. It’s in me now too, because I’m everywhere and you guys are sitting at your desks, drinking your cream soda and just wishing you could remember what a vagina looks like when BAM! I am inside a vagina speaking through a vagina shaped bullhorn. Don’t be jealous, it makes you ugly.
People make jokes about winning the internet all the time but you know what? Jokers joke and smokers smoke and Charlie Sheen’s pants are at his ankles. Where are you? Still at the bus stop in your Chinos. Shut up. Just shut up and maybe you’ll learn something.
I’m not joking. Unless I am. Two and a Half Men is so goddamn funny, because of me, I could set up a theme park that requires you to sign a waiver before you get in because you won’t be able to manage the influx of brain comedy without safety gear. But right now, let me tell you this, I am passionate about winning. Because I won. Life.
I don’t have time to speak in metaphors, I’m jetting all around the globe with goddesses and more lobster than you have literally ever seen in one place. I am a ninja of awesome doing what you wish you could do, being what you wish you could be and I have certification, embossed and stamped by governing bodies, to state that I am the first winner of life ever. Other people have tried and they did great inventing gun powder, climbing mountains, shaping vagina-shaped bullhorns but no one can touch me, it’s in my contract. Don’t even look me in the eye unless you want to get hypnotized. I’m like a cobra.
There was a time when I would sit back and do what they told me to do but you know what? That time is over. I look at my vagina-shaped watch and do you know what time it is? It’s Charlie Sheen time, AM. Get a new cup of coffee and some eggs. I am not sitting back and eating that with you, I’m done eating. All I need to live now is me, I’m that awesome. I can win that much. What did you ever win, a free Pepsi? It’s my Pepsi now and I don’t even want it because I am Pepsi. I’m the soft drink industry. Only my industry is exclusive and doesn’t need to put up with bullshit anymore.
This whole thing, this media, this world, it wants to put me into this little box. I dare you to find a box that can hold me because I am not running that slow. You have to run slow to fit into a box, unless you mean vagina, and I always take a running leap at those. I’m like a high dive champ or one of the Dukes of Hazzard, leaping window first into so many vaginas. Porn stars love me, so what? I’m Charlie Sheen and porn stars can smell that.
I don’t need you acting like I’m some kind of circus act, like I’m not me and haven’t always been me. What does that even mean? Who are you people? Probably hookers I wouldn’t pay to teabag, go ahead and print that in your newsletter. You think I care? You’re a Pauper and I’m the Prince, only this prince has a gunship that fires twin cannons of flaming kick ass and napalm-awesome. None of this even matters, because I’m six weeks form now and you’re still learning to tie your shoes.