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Charlie Zelenoff: Rocky – Skill + Extra Brain Damage

Charlie Zelenoff is a skinny white Internet troll who believes himself to be a boxing master. According to him, he’s beaten tons of guys. Namely, Glass Joe, Von Kaiser, and Piston Honda, over and over again.

Zelenoff decided to challenge professional boxer Deontay Wilder, because if he couldn’t beat up Floyd Mayweather’s dad, then an undefeated boxer in his absolute prime should be easy pickings. Zelenoff got Wilder’s attention by insulting him relentlessly, even leaving racist voicemails on his phone. Because that’s how you make it in the boxing world. Rocky Marciano did it all the time.

Finally, Wilder accepted Zelenoff’s challenge for a fight, and the kid actually showed up, making him the single bravest troll in history. It also made him one of the stupidest, since Wilder isn’t exactly a washed-up tomato can. He’s 31-0, and every single one of his opponents went down via knock out in four rounds or less. Not even Mayweather can boast that. Oh, and he was angry. Very, very angry.

This is what he does to those he loves.

The fight went exactly as you’d imagine, with Zelenoff battered from start to finish until he ran off. Of course, being arrogant and narcissistic, he wouldn’t admit defeat. He continued to insist he was better than Wilder, and that he would kick his ass if they ever had a rematch, and that shamefully skulking out the door to clean shit and piss out of your shorts is something all boxers do, win or lose. Tyson did it all the time.

But if he’s serious about a rematch, he’s going to have to step up his game. I believe I can offer up some advice. After all, if this guy can pretend he’s a boxer, then I can pretend I’m a boxing coach.

–Next time, make everything official. You guys were in a gym with a ring, and you both had your gear on. Why not actually step into the ring, hire a referee and some judges, and go by the rules? You might have actually won, since Wilder was so angry over your terrible human being-ness that at one point he started punching you while you were down. That’s grounds for immediate disqualification.

Come to think of it, that might be why you were claiming to be “still the best.” After all, YOU didn’t punch Wilder while HE was down. Not that he was never down, or ever in the slightest danger of being knocked down. But if he, say tripped on his boot laces or something you would’ve backed off and let him rise, like a true gentleman fisticuffer.

–Don’t go lunging in so much. Remember, while you may be an unbeatable boxing machine, he still has a height/weight/reach/skill/experience/motivation/technique advantage over you. So you need to fight smart. Ever seen the typical heavyweight boxing bout? They pretty much just hug each other for 12 rounds, and why? Because it works! It allows you to safely approach an opponent and get in some all-important jabs that might help sway the judges in your favor.

The alternative is to fight like a girl, and you probably don’t want to go that route.

Besides, who doesn’t love a good hug? It could have melted the hatred in Wilder’s heart a tad and allowed you to leave the gym with a brand-new BFF who could protect you should you ever piss off, say, Pacquiao.

–Make the rematch a boxer vs. wrestler deal, like Muhammad Ali vs. Antonio Inoki. Then, play the part of Inoki, and spend the entire bout crabwalking and kicking at Wilder’s legs. You might not win, but there’s a decent chance you’ll draw. Also, if you kick enough, you might injure them enough that he starts to suck as a boxer, much like Ali did after his bout with Inoki.

To a guy like you, seeing somebody successful become much less so is pretty much the ultimate Christmas present. So learn to crabwalk (you’ll probably need to build develop some actual arm muscles for this) and get to kickin’. You’ll be the bestest of the best in no time!

–Wear a helmet. Seriously. You might be a moron, but you still need your brain for SOMETHING, even if it’s just “remember how to put on socks.” What’re you afraid of, that it’ll make you look stupid and unattractive?

Yeah, can’t have that.

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