Explore Holy Taco

Charlton Heston: A Funeral To Die For

charlton heston funeral

I must admit, I got pretty excited when I heard that Charlton Heston had died. Not because I wanted him dead, but because I knew his funeral was going to be the social event of the season. So I went out and bought a new tuxedo. Then, to make sure I fit in to other funeral attendees, I holstered two 6-shooters, strapped a .22 caliber to each thigh, slid a sawed-off shotgun into my belt and crammed a couple hand grenades into my anus. Then,BOOM!,I got the news:

Charlton Heston’s family said they would hold a private memorial service while no funeral plans have been announced.

What!?!? No funeral? Then where are we going to have the 21-gun salute using body armor-piercing cyanide-tipped bullets (usually reserved for “squirrel hunting”)? This is a travesty. If we, as Americans, have the right to blow away a man with a ridiculously large firearm, then we at least have the right to stand over the corpse of the man who fought for our freedom to stand over the corpse of the guy we just blew away wth a ridiculously large firearm. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution somewhere.

And with that, here are a few suggestions for Mr. Heston’s Tombstone.

Alzheimer!?!? I Hardly Knew Her! LOLZ

Bringing Gun-Loving Psychos To All of Heaven’s School Shootings

All That Shit I Said About Guns? Totally Kidding.

Please Remember Everything I Did. Because I Can’t.

I Am Cold. And Dead. But I Would Still Prefer To Keep This Gun In My Hands.

I Shot Biggie AND Tupac. No Snitchin’ Bitches!

Guns Don’t Kill People. Progressive Degenerative Diseases That Cause Brain Cells To Cease To Function Kill People.

20 Responses to "Charlton Heston: A Funeral To Die For"

  1. lesley says:

    well, it was only to be expected. the tussle between the gun-totin’ and the ignorant ones who seem to think that because Heston defended YOUR constitution, he is responsible for all gun crime and his death should be celebrated.

    Can’t you people just give thanks for the life of a man who represented all that was good about America, who remained faithful to his wife and was always dignified. Just stop for a moment and contrast his public behaviour all his life with those we are pleased to call celebrities these days. Consideer all you who sneer and make fun of the awful disease that claimed this gentle man – if you were in need of a good soul to have offered a helping hand, whom do you think would not have passed you by on the sidewalk – Heston or Hilton?

  2. chris wolf says:

    I’m not a “blogger” i haven’t even ever “blogged” before, but in my research i fell upon this page, read the article which was hysterical, and then read the comments people left underneath it, which was more hysterical than the hysterical article. To all the people bringing up freedom and how great this country is, take your heads out of each others asses and realize the America you speak of and claim to represent had died in the 50′s. The current society in this country is nothing to be proud to represent. More importantly, people need to stop being so offended all the time. How many of you were directly related to charlton heston? Who cares, if someone is making fun of a DEAD man, he’s dead so he can’t care and neither should you. There’s more important things to do then worry if someone is talking smack about other people. Stop living your life getting offended at everything you see, hear, and sometimes smell. Morals and values need to be reconstructed to better represent who we are as a society today…wow that was way more than i intended…have a good day, lighten up go scream “the f word” really really loud in public somewhere and just run away

  3. marggirl says:

    Hey folks – everyone has a right to speak their mind – unfortunately we are compelled to listen to ignorance. Heston was a great actor, a true activist and a gentleman. Even if one didn’t agree with him, he never spoke in an obnoxious manner towards his detractors. We should all show respect toward our fellow humans and endeavor to embody a sense of decorum and class.

  4. PeterDragon55 says:

    To of you stupids liberals and brainless twits out there. Guns are not bad, The constitution of the united states of america states that we will all have a right to bear arms. and to the shithead that wrote “Bringing Gun-Loving Psychos To All of Heaven’s School Shootings”. That is a mindless comment. Guns dont kill people on there own. Stupid Psychopaths who were’nt huged enough as children, or maybe the one’s that got a PS2 instead of a PS3 for Christmas, or maybe the fat kid who cant bone the prom queen! Those are the people who flip out and kill others, the gun is just a tool. What if some people broke into a school and killed everyone with bats and balls. Are we going to bash Barry Bonds and Jose Conseco at the Time of Death. Not to mention I doubt any of those guns those psychos used were even theres or legal. So you see you bunch of mindless twit liberals out there. Even if you took all of the guns aways legally, You will still have psychos out there that can get them. The only difference will be that there will be no good people out there with firearms to protect us. Weed is also illegal, Yet how does everyone seem to have it. If you take away guns, you take away freedom. So leave the old man alone. Let him rest in peace and dont bash the poor mans memory.

  5. LaVerne says:

    I was sorry to learn about the death of one of our great men who was not afraid to speak out for our rights. I am one of those people that worked for what I have and intend to keep it! I protect myself and mine and believe that a gun is as good as the person carrying it. Thanks Mr. Heston for speaking out your belief. You are my hero!

  6. Anonymous says:

    What a peice of shit this site is.

  7. Martin tha Mack Daddy says:

    I’m not really sure how this article is liberal. It takes no side, and it seems the only goal is to make fun of a hilarious guy. People need to lighten the hell up. It’s not like the dead guy is gonna be upset or anything.

  8. Constitutionalist says:

    Thank you for having never blogged before and hopefully, this will be your last. Why do you think you had the right to post your opinion, but those of us who were raised to respect those who have earned it, do not have the same right?

  9. Constitutionalist says:

    This is what happens when Daddy leaves his PC unsecured. This is the sickest, most disrespectful piece of trash I have read in a long while. Hopefully this jackanape will grow up and take the time to do his research before maligning a person of Mr. Heston’s impeccable reputation. Hiding behind your right of expression is no excuse for gross ignorance.

  10. Gorbachenko says:

    That was pretty lame. I’ll bet you would’nt have posted something like that if Charlton had been a peter puffer who died of AIDS.

  11. cory says:

    No way, dude. AIDS is HILARIOUS. Check out the site after Richard Simmons dies.

  12. Spike says:

    Wow, what passes for creativity these days.
    Get a clue, just because Mr. Heston was a conservative and spoke out for the rights of gun owners gives you no license to show your ignorant bias.

  13. Last visit to holytaco says:

    Pull your head out of you A$$ you bias turd. Not everyone that visits this site is a left wing, unemployed, uneducated, homosexual, special interest lunatic.

  14. Chaosman says:

    Ummmm Spike? Get a clue yourself. As a former soldier and current “gun nut” even I realized that Heston was a bit over the top with his views on the world. Cutting commentary on a total douche who took himself waaaaaaaaay to seriously is always funny. Over the top commentary on someone who was over the top himself is also funny. And by the way….the most important right that conservatives like myself and Mr. Heston spoke out for is the right to free speech. Congrats to Holy Taco for their expression of free…and funny…speech.

  15. Seriously though... says:

    First of all, thank you Chaosman, for fighting for my right to free speech with your comment, and putting your ass on the line when asked to do so.

    We need more of you around…and less of the idiots who really seem like they’d like to live in Nazi Germany not only if Hitler were around, but if his gay friend Goering were there too, to spank their asses.

    These so called ‘conservative’ commentors are nothing but idiots who don’t even know their own country.

    Thankfully, free speech makes them obvious to the rest of the nation as they flap their gums. At least we know who to avoid.

    Bunch of putz’s

    (not that it matters but: rambo Bulaich)

  16. Peachfuzz says:

    I suppose this was intended to be funny…

    ..FAIL

    And here is a helpful reminder. The Second Amendment has nothing to do with “squirrel hunting”, or any other “hunting” for that matter.

  17. AK-47 says says:

    Blah,blah,blah…It did’nt surprise me that the so-called “tolerant,peace loving,sensitive”liberal loons would say the meanest sickest things about one of the nicest people in Hollywerd.A man who stayed married to his wife for 73 years,walked with Martin Luther King long before it was fashionable or PC.Yeah…keep running tne man down..it only shows your lack of maturity and stupidity.Also when will you liberals EVER LEARN that running on the anti-gun issue will cost you elections….just ask Al Gore.

  18. Glock .45 says:

    Have you ever been to a gun buy back program?I have. On TV they show all these brand new assault rifles,MAC-10 SMG’s,12 gauge ritguns, etc..in trash barrels that are easily worth several hundreds of dollars apiece.At the San Diego stadium the reality was .22 sigle shot rifles with broken stocks and other useless junk being turned in by old retired folks,young couples and other decent folks.What you DID NOT see were the gangbanging thugs in the same parking lot that showed up in the the same parking lot with more money than the buy back folks!!Also,more than one person who turned in a piece of crap gun used the money TO BUY A BETTER FIREARM!

  19. weightwatcher zanie says:

    The internet(s) called…they decided to apply the ban-hammer to you.

    weightwatcher zanies

  20. Anonymous says:

    I loooove guns and I loved this post!!

    You fucking people don’t come here for PC shit do you? This was hilarious

    “No snitching, bitches!”