For the last ten years, I’ve been buying the really cheap toilet paper brand they sell at Costco, called "Kirkland." I don’t know if Kirkland Brand toilet paper is good, but I walked two aisles down and they were selling a kirkland brand Sub-zero freezer, and I figured if Kirkland can master the technology of below zero frozen goods, they can probably handle a piece of tissue that wipes shit. But recently I ran out and couldn’t get to Costco, so I had to go to the toilet paper aisle at the grocery store.
As I was perusing through the different choices, I quickly realized something; No brand of toilet paper makes any mention of shit, or your asshole, which are basically the ONLY two things it touches. And in fact, Charmin Brand toilet paper shows a cartoon bear rubbing the toilet paper against his face. Maybe the Bear has shit on his face, you ask? No, he doesn’t, he just has a thick layer of fur, so unless you’re an Persian dude, you really can’t use that as a barometer as to whether or not this is the right toilet paper for you.
Do they test the Charmin toilet paper by rubbing it on the face of bears? I hope not, that sounds really dangerous and unnecessary. I’m guessing they probably tested it by having a bunch of people use it when they were taking a shit. Or maybe they have a robotic arm that wipes a shit-like concoction from a synthetic asshole, I don’t know, but I do know that either way, they know how well their product wipes shit from an ass. And that’s what I want to know when I’m buying it. But because this country is so god damned up tight, a toilet paper package can’t make mention of any of that stuff and so instead I get the cartoon bear basking in layers of toilet paper like a 12 year old trying to clean up his first wet dream. It’s gotten so ridiculous that now most of the toilet paper isn’t even called toilet paper, it’s called bath tissue. You know who takes toilet paper into the bath with them? Retarded people. And retarded people don’t buy toilet paper for themselves, non-retarded people buy it for them, so if they’re trying to cater to the mentally challenged crowd, that’s just not well thought out. So, here’s my message to Charmin, you can leave the bear on the package, just tell me what your toilet paper does, and I PROMISE you, people will buy it. Just change the package to this:
I also use baby wipes,but only after the double ply of the ‘quilted northern’. hence, as a footnote to your reference to our “socioeconomic climate” the proper method is listed above-as no woman is gonna TYS w/o a babywipe masterbeef…and you know this,man!
TYS: ‘toss your salad’
made me laugh hard enough my co-workers wanted to know what was so funny… then they read it and turned me into HR… thanks you funny fuck
I wonder how well it cleans the shit out of urinals ?
Dude, Kirkland bottled water is AMAZING. Better than Dasani or Tiki(or whatever they call that island brand).
Hahhah, I bet you will buy this toilet paper then ? xD
http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Shit_Begone.htm
To you morons worried about single or double ply, has the thought of folding the toilet paper passed through your pea-sized brains?
not so funny and way too shitty long!
I’m sorry petarro, but after over 30 years of wiping my own ass I’ve never put clean paper anywhere near my face unless I’m blowing my nose.
Maybe what you’re doing is normal in your world, but it’s just fucking odd in mine.
As an aside, I’ve always thought that the furry rubbing paper on cheek was an aid for the ladies.
I mean they wipe their bush right? for hair, and cheek like anatomy. Ever since I moved in with my lady 1 roll lasts about 2 days wheres before I’m sure it was a couple weeks.
I’d love to see some holy taco poo-paper advertising.
Randall Says: Try their cookies and batteries
I’ve never tried that combo, do you dunk the batteries into the cookie or vice versa
reality is that everyone smells the toilet paper and if its soft enough, they will rub it through their cheek. I do it. This tells me how soft it is and gives a nice smell!
it is a lie if anyone says they have never done this…. yet, I agree. It should say its soft as a tissue and strong that it wont fuck you up while cleaning!
not so funny and way too long!
Would have been very funny if the point didn’t have to be drive home by making fun of the mentally challenged.
Sir, you have clearly evolved past the need for underwear, or even pants. The next step is to stop using the toilet and just crap straight in the urinal.
my grandmother told me that she knew i’d finally “growns up” when she came by my house and dropped trough …she came out of the bathroom and said “i knew you finally grew up when i was wiping my twat and my fingers didn’t go through the paper,you finally bought some double ply…now light my cigarette” (yes,she’s a f*cking sailor) so-you cheap pricks…charmin=GOOD. ‘kirkland’=stinky finger.
Only a group of savages like yourselves even consider using toilet paper in this socio-ecomnic climate. My tastes are so advanced and refined i now prefer baby wipes.
This skin around your asshole is relatively the same as the skin on the rest of your body. If you had hot smelly shit plastered on your hand would you simply wipe it off with a tissue? While Some may say hell yes, others may opt to use soap and water to feel clean.The same applies when you chunk a deuce that more often than not has explosive properties or the consistency of toothpaste. Regular toilet tissue does nothing but smear it around. The wet TP trick sticks to your ass hair.
Baby wipes usually show babies on the label. When I see babies the first image to mind is an acre of putrid green baby shit. I think the solution is now clear.
Shit dude. You must work with a bunch of stuck-up pieces of shit. Perfect for the TP test.
Pretty soone the dollar bill will be cheaper to use than charmin. hahaha
Goddamn Charmin!?!? Really Charmin!!!??? Fucking charmin always rips in my hand and I am standing there with a fistfull of fucking shit!!! If i ever find that Mr. Whipple motherfucker I am going to rip off his head and shit down his throat followed by a buttload of shitty ass charmin toilet paper, very very SQEEEEEEEEEZED charmin. Ha HA HAHA!!!
a shit-like concoction from a synthetic asshole? that was a knee slapper!
That was when I first started to laugh. I guess I’m going to hell.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their ass?
Seriously, I use the sight method. How do they know when is enough. I hope they don’t use the smell method. If they weren’t even close to being finished, and they used the smell method that would really suk. Not to mention, it would look like they had been in the bosses office listening to him talk about his borderline retarded curtain climbers for the last 2 hours acting as if they really gave a crap.
My comment for photo of the week concerns this very subject.
If you take time out to write about toliet paper, you must be a shitty person yourself. If i were you i would take this off your page beckey .
Kirkland is amazing. The entire enterprise. Try their cookies and batteries. This is not a smartass comment… Kirkland is a superior company.
This is why I’ve traded in CNN.com for holytaco.com. Anderson Cooper can suck it, cause they don’t cover this kind of hard hitting news on AC360.
i disagree i laughed at two things in this post. i have found many other posts i don’t laugh at all
Do you really want to wipe your ass with another color? How are you gonna know if your shit is an odd color? Say you eat too many vegetables one day and shit green the next, that’s natures way of telling you to cut back on broccoli.
why does it have to be white?
And anonymous, i thought it was pretty funny. your whole life is a big stretch for a shitty waste of air.
this was the worst post in awhile, big stretch for a shitty joke
Where can I get one of those ass-wiping robots ?
Usually I look forward to their original content and get a few laughs from it. This not so much.
Finally someone mans up on this site and talks some serious shit.
A Persian guy with a huge crucifix, this is golden.