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Holy Taco’s Take On The U.S. Government’s New Dietary Guide

For those of you who weren’t aware, the government has done away with the beloved food pyramid, and replaced it with a more simple visual guide for balancing your diet. It’s all for the sake of lowering obesity rates and making room for more people, so it’s something that should be adhered to. However, Holy Taco realizes that balancing your diet isn’t always easy or practical, so we’ve modified the U.S. Government’s advice and their latest visual aid to make it a little more easy to stick with.

ChooseMyPlate.gov, a site run by the Department of Agriculture. It offers a few points of advice for balancing one’s diet. We’ve laid those out here for you, then added our own advice that will make more sense to those of us who live in the real world. And by that, I mean, those of us who don’t have parents or significant others around to make sure we’re eating properly:

Balancing Calories
● Enjoy your food, but eat less. — Unless it’s really late at night and you’re drunk. Because sometimes the only way to fall asleep is to fill your belly with several cheeseburgers.
● Avoid oversized portions. — See above.

Foods to Increase
● Make half your plate fruits and vegetables. — If you can’t, don’t sweat it. Just steal a vitamin every day from your female roommate. (The prenatal ones won’t make you grow boobs, that’s just a myth.)
● Make at least half your grains whole grains. — I don’t even know what this means. Fruity Pebbles are probably made from whole grains, so just eat a shitload of those.
● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk. — Or just drink whatever hasn’t expired.

Foods to Reduce
● Compare sodium in foods like soup, bread, and frozen meals ― and choose the foods with lower numbers. — Then add salt to those foods because that will make them taste better.
● Drink water instead of sugary drinks. — No.

And if your’e ever in doubt, just use our handy visual guide to make sure you’re eating a realistically balanced meal:

5 Responses to "Holy Taco’s Take On The U.S. Government’s New Dietary Guide"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    That website is rather pointless ’cause it’s good at telling ya what you should eat but fails miserably at explaining WHY THE FUCK you should eat that in the first place.

    Fibre — carbohydrate that can’t be broken down — keeps ya regular, which means that it makes the transit of waste much easier to pass that way you don’t shit bricks, and essentially you should be poopin’ at least once a day.

    Protein keeps ya full, which means just that, you don’t binge like a hungus fucker every hour of the day, although ideally you should be eating several small meals a day (5 or 6) all with PROTEIN. It is also fuel for muscles, duuh!

    Carbs equals energy, but make it complex carbs (low glycemic carbs) so that they release their energy goodness nice… and… slowly, should they enter yer bloodstream quickly your insulin levels will go uppety ups and drive ya to store more flab plus later you’ll feel like you’ve wanked all day.

    And lastly fats… keep those on the low. Trans-fats big fucking no-no. Saturated fats, bit of a no thanks but I’ll have some ’cause what the fuck else am I gonna put on my pop corn? Do defenitely eat good fats, unsaturated, EFA’s ’causeeeee they help lube yer joints up, and there’s some hormonal shit I can’t remember but basically you need good fats in your diet, not alot but ya need ‘em. An egg a day is sweet.

    A balanced and healthy diet isn’t that hard really. Obviously if you don’t inform peeps with how it all works, you’re not gonna get them to change their eating habbits.

    AND

    If healthy food continues to be disproportionately priced, specially in today’s economy, then it’s all a waste of time. M’right?

    In fact, that’s all shit they should be teaching kids in school these days. Abolish religious studies and teach them how an avocado is rich in essential fatty acids.

    PS: It is also not very realistic to expect the poor and illiterate (a demographic that shines in sedentarism and obesity) to look up food guidelines on the web!

    PS2: It’s also fucking hilarious to see pictures of blueberries and salmon on the pictured menu as if those foods were by any stroke of luck accessible in low decile neighbourhoods.

    I’ve spoken!

  2. Awesome says:

    Wow you guys are hilarious!!

  3. Nickjaa says:

    “● Switch to fat-free or low-fat (1%) milk. — Or just drink whatever hasn’t expired.”

    Hurrrrrr hurrrrrrr hurrrrrrrrrr. this sucked.