So you’re all geared up for your Superbowl party with all manner of artery decimating snacks and some really nice looking disposable plates that could be mistaken for elegant China from a distance, and it occurs to you that you need a frosty beverage to wash it all down with. Due to a personal grudge between you and your live, you’re not about to go with something like Pepsi, you need a hardcore drink. But not like Scotch or anything, because you’re not a social malcontent. No, you need beer. But with literally tens of beers on the market, how do you pick the right one? You finish reading this article, that’s how! Choose the feeling you want the beer to evoke and you’re off on a liquid vacation!
Desperation – Labatt 50
From the savage and desolate beer gulags of Canada comes Labatt 50, a beer you literally can’t drink without having a trucker hat on your head. Try it and see, that trucker hat will show up a few sips in. 50 is the beer your grandfather would drink if he lived in an undriveable car in the yard. It’s a fine beverage in its own right but it conveys a sense that you’re Bear Grylls of the beer world and are now unfettered by social norms. Coors Light? Budweiser? No, these beers offer you nothing. The only beer that will work for you is the beer best served in overalls to Canadians. It’s exotic, but not like European exotic. Exotic enough that you probably had to drive past 4 other stores that sell beer just to get it, all in an attempt to look like you went out of your way to really make this Superbowl special. Atta boy.
Tradition – Pizza Beer
Culinary Superbowl excess has become a cultural meme; we expect to gorge ourselves on “manly” foods, and what fits the bill better here than pizza? It’s the great equalizer and for every pork football someone makes on Sunday, there’s likely to be 1000 pizzas consumed.
Mamma Mia pizza beer is clearly the beer to keep with the great pizza tradition of the Superbowl, and doesn’t it just sound scrumptious? Have a look at this;
A whole wheat crust made with water, flour & yeast is topped with tomato, oregano, basil & garlic. The essence of the pizza spices is washed off with hot water and filtered into a brewpot, where it is boiled for a long, long time.
That’s actually how they make this beer – they literally put a pizza in a pot and boil the shit out of it, then add hops, ferment it and bottle it up. Yes.
Fast Acting – Schorschbräu Schorschbock
Do you know the alcohol content of a typical light beer? It’s -0.4%. That’s not a typo, you can sober up by drinking light beer. Non light beer is probably a positive number, but it’s not very impressive and really “hard” beers clock in around 10%. Schorschbräu Schorschbock comes in a ceramic bottle and is packed to the well preserved gills at a staggering 43%. It’ll barely take a 6 pack for you to be able to properly pronounce the name.
If your plan for the Supebowl is to be so stewed that you’e not going to have to remember the half time show, and you know you won’t want to, this may be the beer for you.
Shameful – Sam Adams Triple Bock
Triple Bock is German for “boozey fudge” or something very much like it, as this thick, debilitating beer is pretty much a meal in itself. If you’re not looking to be refreshed so much as burdened by a beverage, this is the beer for you. Coming in at about 340 calories per 12 ounces, a Triple Bock has more calories than two equal sized bottles of Coca-Cola. That’s about 8 chicken McNuggets, in fact. In one beer. And you know you’re not drinking just one. If you pull down a 6 pack over the course of the Superbowl, that’s the equivalent of about 5 McDonald’ Quarter Pounders. If you can do that, good luck not spending the whole night crying on the toilet.
Dessert – Left Hand Milk stout
Suppose you’re not really in the mood fo that acrid, shameful taste of beer right now. Maybe you’re feeling a little playful and want to drown your sorrows about the Bengals’ poor season in something a little sugary, what you need is a milk stout. Milk stout, favored by our limey friends who insist soccer is called football and football is Amercian football, as if that makes any sense, is made with lactose, the sugar from milk. Don’t forget your Lacteeze, lest you fart your way through the fourth quarter.
Since a milk stout is made with milk sugar, it makes for a sweeter beer than you’re used to. Like colorfully dyed crystals of your favorite narcotic, it’s a good thing made even more fun!
Painful – Chili Beer
Superbowl is the perfect time to be dangerously and stupidly manly. You can do shots, you can headbutt porcupines, you can apply electrical currents to your genitals, all the stuff dudes do when they get together. And why stop at just foolishly overwrought activities? You can also make your dink push the envelope by enjoying a spicy chili beer, made with the finest hot peppers to give you the illusion of refreshment until it begins to sear its way through your insides. Then you dare your friends to drink one, then you all race to chug one, then you have the chili beer shits. Repeat!
Shock – End of History
This time next year, you’re not going to remember if Bill Belichick showed up to the game or just sent a sad hound dog. But you will remember the guy who brought beers jammed inside of squirrels. Grab some of Brewdog’s End of History and who gives a damn what it tastes like, it’s beer inside a squirrel. A friggin’ squirrel.