So there are a lot of rumors going around about what happened this weekend. Let me set things straight once and for all. People got the wrong idea about me! I was a hero this weekend, straight up! Here’s how it went down;
Me and my crew arrived looking to have a jolly good time. Things were alright until I spotted a monster!
Gasp! I gasped. It was shocking in the extreme. I felt my blood begin to boil as this dread chupacabra lurched towards not just me, but innocent bystanders. I stood my ground and demanded the terror retreat.
But lo, the monster crept forth! What was I to do? It was time to spring into action. First, a spot check to make sure my douche was in place.
And then, verbal expression of my intent!
I had hoped my threat would be enough, but alas it was not. I was loathe to resort to fisticuffs, not being the physical sort, but the fact was this terrible monster was going to do Lord knows what if I didn’t stop it. I had one choice.
The day was won! I had saved the civilians from the darkness!
The crowds, they cheered my name!
And I offered them the greatest gift I had to give. My friendship. My smile. Me. God, I’m a good person.