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Chronicles of a Dying Laptop

Once upon a time, people built machines in the hopes they would last forever.  Cars built in the 50’s are made of solid cast iron and titanium and, to this day, if you drive one off a cliff, it will somehow achieve a speed above terminal velocity as it falls.  And, when it hits ground, it will be perfectly fine.  Everyone in it will be liquefied, but the car will be fine.

These days, technology is made from bird’s nests and mouse farts and sometimes when you buy a new phone it will have evaporated before you even get home.  So too with computers.


My benevolent masters at Break Media were kind enough to provide me with a computer on which to do my work as the linotype machine I had been using previously had poor internet connectivity.  Unfortunately, this brave little toaster of a computer can only handle so many 25 galleries and hilarious lists about the World of Warcraft.  Something had to give and, like a movie starring Helen Hunt, it was going to be pretty shitty.


So how does one know it’s time to get a new laptop?  There are telltale signs.  Let’s check out the timeline to see where things all went wrong.

Yep, you can see where things went shady.  I can only assume it was the Chatroulette weiners that infected my machine and infested it with, you know, toxic weiner stuff.  As I write this there is an ice back on my thigh and groin, one to protect me from burns and the other to preserve precious crotch stability.  No caps have been locked in some time and those mouse buttons are very hard to navigate around.  So bid the official Holy Taco laptop farewell, it has to be traded in for a less crotch-destroying model.  But it has given us so much, hasn’t it?  it has.  Farewell, old friend.  May flights of mouse farts wing you to your rest.

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