No matter how into Jesus you are at age thirteen, you’re probably way more into things like the opposite sex and having a great summer. So going to sleep away camp sounds like a dream come true. But if it’s Church camp, Jesus is going to cockblock the shit out of you and you’ll go home feeling guilty about everything. You know what would be awesome? A camp where religion didn’t get in the way of you hitting third base with the girl from tent five. An Atheist camp, perhaps? Sounds good! Finally a place where the only thing that cools your hormones is a dip in the lake. But, oh wait, Atheist camp has rules too. Or does it? Or do they matter? I can’t tell…
At Camp Quest Chesapeake, the children of non-believers are taught to make up their own rules. You know, because rules are lame, unless you make them up yourself. Sounds promising and totally worthwhile! Sounds like a summer that will shape those kids into wonderful adults who can totally function in a world where there are an overabundance of rules and boundaries.
If I were a young man sent to Camp Quest Chesapeake, I’d love to make up a few camp rules. Rule #1 would be “Everybody can go home and sleep in a real bed whenever they want. Rule #2 would be “Girls have to kiss me if I tell them to”, and Rule #3 would be “Shit wherever you want to.” (just because). You going to tell me otherwise camp counselor? What are you going to do about it? Kick me out? Sentence me to eternal damnation? You can’t! Because at Camp Granola Whackjob, it doesn’t matter!
I’m going to go ahead and assume that the duration of each camp session is no longer than four days because if it were, it would go from Meatballs to Lord of the Flies before a single campfire even got lit. If there’s one thing equally as annoying as people who cram their religion down your throat, it’s people who cram their lack of religion down your throat. If you want your kids to have a fun, education summer, send them to camp “Don’t Be An Asshole” where everyone learns how to not be a completely self-righteous jerk, and you get to eat marshmallows and play tug-of-war.
(read the article that inspired this rant at The Washington Post)