This weekend I found myself stranded at a bus station in an undesirable town full of the sort of people who refuse to bow down to the man and therefore opt to make their own alcohol at home and shoot their own food. Likely squirrel and rabbit is served as a vegetable, the model of choice for automobiles is ‘Merican and rust seems to be a fashion accessory on most homes. Quaint would be the word to describe it if you describe being beaten with a sack of doorknobs as “therapeutic” or if sex with a cousin is “a life’s ambition.”
Anyway, stranded as I was, and hungry from a cross-country journey that had gone awry thanks to an overheated bus engine, I made my way to a local pizzeria with the delightful moniker of “Bill’s Food.” Man, Bill knows his way around a pie. After finding the least filthy booth, I sat down and my waitress (Sarah, who has two kids and wants to move to Kentucky to be with her mom so she can get back into the business of bus driving) took my order. It was pretty simple – a Coke and two slices of pepperoni pizza. What I got was two slices of what I image the road looks like after a dude in a wife beater riding a motorcycle runs over a beaver and skids on his face of a quarter mile. And I think the drink was a Pepsi.
I wish I’d had my camera so you could fully appreciate the magnitude of the wrongness of the pizza I was given. The crust was actually chewy, and I mean on a level akin to latex, it was stunning. I’d make a joke about condoms here but it’ll just lead to disparaging remarks about me having condoms in my mouth and that’s not what I need right now.
The sauce was quite possibly ketchup with parsley and salt tossed in and the toppings consisted of a covering of cheese in the same way a combover qualifies as a full head of hair, and I shit you not, wieners. No f*cking way that was pepperoni or anything that had even been in the same room as an Italian. Sarah then informed me that pizza wasn’t really the best choice on the menu. Thanks, Sarah!
In light of my harrowing voyage to pizza hell, I thought I should check and see if this was an isolated incident, or this kind of shit happens elsewhere. Behold the results;
This seems to be a big winner in the Philippines, a country famous for mail order brides and prison inmates putting on dance routines that go viral, which is somewhere above Japan but below Germany, known for its beer and deviant pornography.
The idea behind a pizza cone is that you’re too much of a sloppy man about town to manage regular pizza, what with its tendency to slide out of your hand and scald your genitals with its fiery toppings. So instead you need your crust wrapped up into a horrendous cone, filled to the brim with things like cheese, white sauce and fish, and then funneled down your gullet like some kind of Matrix-style food mash meant to sustain but certainly not improve upon your existence.
Japanese Pizza Thing
It’s hard to understand what the thought process behind this pizza was, other than someone being too lazy to eat more than one course at dinner and opting to make everything into one disgusting slab of food. The crust is apparently pigs in a blanket, because, as I learned, you just can’t have enough wiener on a pizza (again, no condom jokes), and there are tiny burgers, cheese rolls and maple syrup hidden in the layers of madness here as well. This is what happens when someone actively tries to create vomit before it happens. Thanks, Japan, you guys are swell.
There actually was a time when McDonald’s sold pizza, but it wasn’t stunningly disgusting or anything like that. This, however, is. The reason this exists is the same reason the Luther burger exists – a hamburger made with Krispy Kreme donuts instead of a bun – because self loathing is almost a sport these days and if you can’t kill yourself with food, then what can you use?
The only reason a person would eat something like this would be due to a mental perversion that’s made them anthropomorphize their stomach and attribute complete asshole characteristics to it. Because they are convinced their stomach is an asshole, they have a desire to humiliate and degrade it in novel and cruel ways.
A regular pizza with lamb on it would most likely be offputting in the same way hugging a man you just met is offputting. Because why would you do that? It’s just not right. But this lamb pizza takes that to a whole new level best identified as “for f*ck’s sake.” In lieu of an actual crust, this pizza is just made on a slab of lamb. That’s like making a taco by jamming ground beef in your ass. Probably.
The fact the rest of the pizza consists of ham, olives and rosemary ensures that it’s probably only appealing to gross men who play chess in the park and the sorts of people who drink sherry.
Rice and Whatever Pizza
Apparently using rice as a crust for pizza is not uncommon in some parts of the world and that’s probably awesome for them. It sounds kind of shitty but having never tasted it, I dunno. For all I know, shit tastes like delicious bean salad and maybe if I made out with a hobo I’d remember calculus. None of that relates to this mess. This is the perverse fantasy of that same starving hobo on peyote. Do you know what’s happening here? That’s rice and pork and kimchi. And a f*cking fried egg. Toss in some oysters and mouthwash and you might actually win the annual Under The Over Pass Crazy Eyes Cook Off.
For those who don’t know, kimchi is a Korean dish made from fermented hate and vegetables. It goes on pizza in the way an egg goes on pizza. So yes, physically, it can be on a pizza, but morally it has no business there.
Deep Fried Pizza
In Scotland, they don’t like you. As such, they made this dish to teach you a terrible, terrible lesson about trusting Scotsmen and the limits of human endurance. The name isn’t a trick and there’s no hidden secret, it’s just a pizza some uncaring human being has dipped in batter and then tossed into a vat of hot oil.
On the one hand, it seems like everything probably gets better if you deep fry it. Potatoes do, chicken does, even mozzarella cheese does. It almost seems likely that pizza would. But no. For one, pizza dough sucks up oil the way Scottish whores suck up everything you pay them to. For another, the Scots are known to serve this with brown sauce. I searched online for about 20 minutes to determine that brown sauce is basically HP sauce. That they put on a pizza for you. And it’s called brown sauce. That’s the most appetizing name they could think of. Good job, Scotland.
Pizza di Spaghetti
This mess comes to us from the Food Network. And not just the Food Network, but Giada de Laurentis, who you may recognize as the cleavage that sometimes pronounces words with a horribly forced Italian accent. We asked our plumber to translate the name of this dish, and apparently it really is just spaghetti pizza.
I’m not sure what part of Italy this thing was hatched in, but it mostly consists of spaghetti that you have to stick together with some egg and then fry up in a pizza shape. Are you salivating yet? You may have a glandular issue, because this shit is nasty. We asked Giada to explain herself and this is what she had to say;