Spring break is upon us again and what better way to get ready for a week of mirth and mayhem full of parties and girls and booze than be checking out just what it is everyone loves about their week in the sun, and then shredding it apart with grim, gruesome reality. Because while your week of debauchery sounds good on paper, you probably forgot to factor in all the horrible things that will ruin your life. People always forget those.
The big thrill of any spring break getaway, aside from the week long bender and ample bosoms, is the fact you get to take off to someplace new and exciting. If you planned to do the exact same stuff in Sandusky, Ohio, it just wouldn’t be quite as fun. Because if the world were a human body, a Spring Break destination would be the sexy cleavage of a hot chick and Sandusky would your sweaty neighbor’s taint.
The Downside: Let’s see, what could go wrong for an army of drunken American teens with excess cash and no common sense, or at least none that could survive the deluge of tequila it met once it crossed the border? If you guessed drug cartels and common criminals, you sir, are correct.
Turns out it’s not just mom and dad who want to keep an eye on you in Acapulco, it’s shady resort employees, local drug dealers and other random people who figure they could make $100 by stomping your ass into chorizo in a back alley rather than, you know, working.
The Texas department of Public Safety has already issue warnings to travelers to just avoid Mexico and the US Embassy has issued a similar statement, noting that 65 Americans were killed in Mexico last year. In places like Mazatlan there are nearly weekly kidnappings and shootouts between drug cartels. It’s a party, but maybe not the party you’re looking for. Plus, we just saw this documentary about piranhas, and it looked pretty intense.
You may be thinking you have nothing to worry because, come on now, millions of people travel to Mexico each year and only 65 were killed through unspecified means? It was probably just El Chupacabra. And the very danger of El Chupcabra turns you on so, this year, you’re going to hump your way through Spring Break. An admirable goal, my friend.
The Downside: Research shows that 3 in 5 women engage in unprotected sex during Spring Break. Sounds like an upside, am I right? High five! No, but seriously, herpes.
Along with increased boning, clinics back home notice a sharp increase in STD testing the week after Spring Break, because while Chad and the guys from the Alpha Beta house are in town to party hard, they brought along two new pledges this year, Fire Crotch and Oozing Discharge. Those are code names for VD, y’all. We’re using a Christian site as a source on this because it amuses us.
It wouldn’t be spring break if your liver and brain didn’t live to regret it and that means saving your pennies the rest of the year to be sure you’ll have enough to drink yourself into oblivion and then guess after the fact that you had a good times based on whatever scars, photos and diseases you brought home.
The Downside: No one else wants you to have a good time. That seems counterintuitive since you’re with all your friends, plus thousands of other drunken hooligans, and it seems like they all want to have a good time, but they don’t matter. Two things matter – the police and your liver and neither one appreciates your binge drinking.
Panama City Beach sees a few dozen cases of alcohol poisoning every Spring Break, the same thing is repeated in every spring break destination everywhere to a greater or lesser degree to the point of several hundred cases occurring in the average year over a on week break.
Depending on your world view, a worse fate is the charges you’ll face for underaged drinking if you’re one of the 18-20 year old crowd. Florida cops handed out 1100 arrests across the state last year in an attempt to crack down on wholesome, vomitous fun. The man is always trying to keep you down, especially when you’re too drunk to stand.
Before you can get VD from your new best friend whose name you don’t remember and, quite possibly, didn’t even ask form you need to meet that person. And that means getting out there and being seen. So maybe you’re on the beach or maybe you’re heading out to a club to pick up that special someone, or at least get a handjob at the bar. God, you love is magical.
The Downside: A wise editor once told me you can never make jokes about rape or torture because neither is inherently funny. I then went on to make jokes about both because context is everything, friends. You just need to treat it with kid gloves. And in light of that we’ll just say that while you want to meet awesome new people who have moist parts for you to jostle around in a fun and friendly environment, a city like Daytona Beach reports that upwards of a dozen people every year take the time to report that they may not have consented to that behavior, with many more suspected to be not reported.
In Jamaica it’s not uncommon for those who leave resort property to fall victim to attacks and sometimes even on resort property as law enforcement I drastically understaffed. The US State department even says rapes will commonly occur after dark in parts of Mexico where Spring Breakers have gone off the resort. If you need to use the word “commonly” to refer to sexual assault, events have taken a piss poor turn.
Sand, Surf and Sun
So maybe you’re all paranoid about violence and disease and whatnot so you’re going to just have some innocent fun and go swimming, maybe hang out on the beach and drink a cool glass of papaya juice because you’re a bit of a square. How could this turn out badly for you?
The Downside: May as well booze it up, kid, because your straight edge lifestyle isn’t doing you any favors. The American Academy of Dermatology would like you to know that millions of new cases of skin cancer happen every year and they’re on the rise. Talk about a willy wilter.
If you’re not worried about melanoma, there’s always the danger that lurks below. Galveston Island routinely has to engage in water rescues, moving hundreds out of riptides. More than a few drownings can be expected across all the spring break destinations. Shit.
The best part of Spring Break, aside from all the other best parts, is that one guy who’s an asshole. Every group of friends has an asshole and you keep him around because he’ll do asshole things that the rest of you aren’t stupid enough to do. God bless you, asshole friend. Without you, we’d never know what the dumb shit the rest of us are too smart to do looks like.
The Downside: Be wary of your asshole friend lest he suck you into his asshole scheme and you get arrested. In Tallahassee, aside from all the underaged drinking arrests, cops last year dinged 39 folks for giving booze to minors, 4 for drugs and 50 for false ID. Not assholey enough? Two kids in Panama City were arrested for taunting and attempting to steal an alligator. There’s loads of other stupid arrests but honestly, trying to steal a gator is probably the best one.