Starbucks hasn’t gone away yet, so this is as true today as it was when it first appeared on the site
Starbucks is the best and worst place on the entire planet. On the one hand, they have more than enough delicious caffeine, whipped cream, and overpriced travel mugs to satisfy your early morning cravings. On the other hand, they’re usually a steaming hotbed of douchebaggery. Here are the 9 most annoying people you’ll run into at your local Starbucks:
Y’know what’s awesome? When you walk into a Starbucks to find a line about thirty patrons deep, and then the person who gets in line behind you just shouts to their “friend” behind the counter: “Hey, Colby! I’m getting my usual!” Then, the line jumper spends the rest of his time trying to “just sneak in and pay real quick” so that he can avoid standing in line with all the other losers who don’t come to this particular Starbucks as often as he does, and therefore don’t deserve special service. If, by some miracle, the Starbucks employee forces The Regular to wait in line to pay like a normal person, then they still get their coffee way before anyone else does, and they get to stand there and enjoy their delicious morning beverage while everyone else is pulling their hair out in desperate need of their morning fix. This type of special treatment is just blatantly wrong, unless I’m getting the treatment, in which case I’m okay with it.
The Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker
At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But, since anyone who’s over-qualified to be a Wal-Mart greeter is a Wal-Mart cashier, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your $4 coffee in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Hi! WELCOME TO STARBUCKS!!! And how are you doing today?!?!”
It’s been scientifically proven that if you give a thoroughbred horse a tall iced mocha right before a race, it will always win*. This is because of the massive and ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar that are somehow contained within each Starbucks brand beverage. These drinks get you so wired that they should come with some kind of surgeon general’s warning on the side of the cup. Yet, somehow, people allow 8-year old kids, who are all ready hyperactive thanks to the addition of these Starbucks brand energy injections into their normal diet, to pound back Caramel Machiatos by the dozens on a daily basis. Remember the crazy fast zombies in 28 Days Later? Well, this is the first step to making them. Keep it up, humanity!
The Manager Who Refuses to Recognize Standard Sizes
I understand: you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You, Starbucks, are the one who’s chosen to be “different” by calling your sizes something other than what they are. If you insist on looking at me like I’m a retard speaking Chinese whenever I order a “small” coffee, then I’m going to insist that you give me change for a dollar with “3 twinklies, 3 chartruse bubblebunnies, and a dragonplumber”. Deal with it.
The Complicated Order Guy
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam”, you just drink a glass of water. They can make that pretty quickly, so you won’t have to pace around in front of the pick up counter like a starving circus lion at lunch time. The best part about it: last I checked, a glass of water won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety (unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana).
The Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office
Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” Then, instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he painstakingly inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his invasive, coffee-harvesting burro.
The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer
Being a writer is a pretty cool (albeit thrifty) occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. However, feeling the need to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their brand new powerbook, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of Final Draft. After they get their overly-elaborate morning beverage, they’ll sit at a table and stare at their computer screen, taking deep breaths, suggesting an intense and creative thought process that normal minds are not capable of. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people? The most important thing is that you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day
Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you! They’re everywhere! Can you grab me a handful of Splenda?”
The Study Group
Screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to have your 20-person study session in an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every f*cking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over the frappucino machine. Would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.