A couple weeks ago I was grabbing lunch and a homeless dude came running up to me and said “End of the world’s coming. Look for the signs! It’s comin and big ass ants are gonna eat your life, brother.” I nodded and casually walked passed him, disregarding his predictions due to his not wearing a t-shirt and smelling of various doodies. Then today I read this:
Clay Aiken is going to be a father, PEOPLE has confirmed.
Now, I know he didn’t say this was one of the signs, but let’s just say I’ve bought a shit pile of Raid and my Alex Rodriguez Upper Deck SP rookie card is now somewhere where I can grab it easily.
Now, it’d be really easy for me to make a joke about how Clay Aiken is gay and how there’s no way he had sex with a woman, but I’ll let every other blog in the f-ing world make it. And if you read further into the story, you see that basically he jerked it into a cup and gave it to someone. Last I checked, if you have a penis, that’s possible.
TMZ.com report that Aiken, 29, impregnated David’s sister, music producer Jaymes Foster. “It is true Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She’s due in August.”
So, gay or not, it’s not apocalyptically shocking that he would father a child. What’s shocking to me is that a woman would look at Clay Aiken and say “That man’s DNA is the DNA I’d like to combine with mine, to make my child.” That’s like me saying “I need a car that I can count on. Someone drive me to a used car lot in Tijuana, so that I may purchase one.” Clay Aiken looks like Gollum after two weeks of that master cleanse where you just drink water and maple syrup. Basically this woman has decided that she has no interest in her son or daughter being able to enjoy their lunchtime at school free of taunting. Well played.