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Clay Aiken Has Fathered a Child. Hell Has Frozen

clayaiken.jpg

A couple weeks ago I was grabbing lunch and a homeless dude came running up to me and said “End of the world’s coming.  Look for the  signs!  It’s comin and big ass ants are gonna eat your life, brother.”  I nodded and casually walked passed him, disregarding his predictions due to his not wearing a t-shirt and smelling of various doodies.  Then today I read this:

Clay Aiken is going to be a father, PEOPLE has confirmed.

Now, I know he didn’t say this was one of the signs, but let’s just say I’ve bought a shit pile of Raid and my Alex Rodriguez Upper Deck SP rookie card is now somewhere where I can grab it easily.

Now, it’d be really easy for me to make a joke about how Clay Aiken is gay and how there’s no way he had sex with a woman, but I’ll let every other blog in the f-ing world make it.  And if you read further into the story, you see that basically he jerked it into a cup and gave it to someone.  Last I checked, if you have a penis, that’s possible.

TMZ.com report that Aiken, 29, impregnated David’s sister, music producer Jaymes Foster. “It is true Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She’s due in August.”

So,  gay or not,  it’s not apocalyptically shocking  that he would father a child.  What’s shocking to me is that a woman would look at Clay Aiken and say “That man’s DNA is the DNA I’d like to combine with mine, to make my child.”  That’s like me saying “I need a car that I can count on.  Someone drive me to a used car lot in Tijuana, so that I may purchase one.”  Clay Aiken looks like Gollum after two weeks of that master cleanse where you just drink water and maple syrup.  Basically this woman has decided that she has no interest in her son or daughter being able to enjoy their lunchtime at school free of taunting.  Well played.

5 Responses to "Clay Aiken Has Fathered a Child. Hell Has Frozen"

  1. Narf says:

    Haha… Awesome, dude.

    Just fired up the old computer and ran into this headline about Clay on Yahoo’s front page. Immediately I thought, “I wonder what Holy Taco has to say about this.”

    Sure enough, top of the page – there it is. Nice work guys!

  2. Mr. Balls says:

    Anything for a woman to get out of the shame of visiting a sperm bank I guess.

  3. PSide says:

    If its a boy they might as well name it Butt Aiken now and get it over with.

  4. Big deal if that F-gg-T is having a child, even gay guys can have children, it doesnt prove anything, and it does not mean that if ur having a child it means ur not gay… Haha… This is hilarious!

  5. L. says:

    You know, I’ll take a gay Dad who looks like Gollum anyday if he’s proven how much he loves kids, has risked his life going into war torn countries to feed them, has braved danger zones where insurgency armies have threatened to kidnap children. Maybe you all should try doing something for those less fortunate instead of sitting around gossiping.