When we woke up today we didn’t feel the world would provide us with a news story about a clown that robbed a 70-year-old woman as she sat on a toilet. That’s just not that kind of thing we mentally prepare ourselves to hear about on a day-in-day-out basis. If there were a new study released on the topic of how a vast majority of clowns look like they could be pedophile Satan-worshiping butt rapers with bad hygiene and a penchant for murdering illegal immigrants, then yeah, we would have totally expected that. That kind of study perfectly syncs up with our preconceived notions about clowns – one minute they’re entertaining children at a birthday party, the next, they’re smearing a pentagram on their chest with the blood of a Mexican dude picked up from a Home Depot parking lot. We all know this is something that clowns do, so it wouldn’t be surprising.
But, then again, it’s never surprising to hear that a person sporting the visage of a demon filled with joy as it eats the entrails of the innocent and pure-hearted would do anything nefarious.
Twenty-two-year-old Cory Buckley broke in to Jacqueline Cutright’s Akron, Ohio home through a basement window. Making his way up the house he found a door. He opened it. Behind it sat a 70-year-old woman that was copping a squat on the toilet. Being a man dressed as a clown, he took on the personality traits of a clown, which means he didn’t care about the fact that he was robbing an old woman sitting on her shitter. With all shame having been safely removed from his body via the clown mask, he inquired about Jacqueline’s supply of Oxycontin. Jacqueline offered him some heart medication and sleeping pills.
Two hours later Cory left the house and took Jacqueline’s 1991 Ford Escort as a getaway vehicle, but he only made it down to the end of her street, because it’s a 1991 Ford Escort. But more specifically, he was being chased by the cops and somehow managed to pick up enough speed to flip the car, twice. Sadly, the 48 other clowns in the car all died, and there’s the mandatory clown car joke.
Keep in mind, he picked up this intense car-flipping speed while traveling only a couple of blocks and while in a 1991 Ford Escort, which – and this is a fact — is the only car ever manufactured that had the density of a dying sun. How Cory managed to pull that feat off is something I’ll never understand, but if there’s anyone in this world that’s going to perform the impossible, it’s a clown-faced drug addict on the run from the police for robbing a woman that was praying the Metamucil she drank that morning will produce soft bowel movements. You want to fix the economy? Get a clown-faced drug addict to run from the police with as holds a calculator and a copy of that day’s Wall Street Journal. By the time he gets caught at the end of the street he’ll have a solid 10-point plan on where to cut costs and who should have their taxes raised or lowered.
You don’t have to worry about Jacqueline, because she didn’t experience much fear during the ordeal for reasons that you will find out in the final 20 seconds of this video.
What’s a clown’s worst fear? An old lady with knowledge of ninja stuff that she will, without hesitation, do to you.