Are you a pasty wannabe vampire looking for some R&R? Do you enjoy washing down a meal of B- blood with a chilly daiquiri? Do you often pretend that the sun scorches your flesh every time you exit a building?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then you’re in luck, as next year cruise ship giant Holland America will host a week-long vampire convention cruise, which sets sail from Vancouver, B.C., and makes stops at all places dark and bleak! Yes, you and your fellow children of the night will see such majestic sites Juneau and Glacier Bay, along with some place called Skagway and some made up place called Ketchikan!
Activities? You want activities? How does a VAMPIRE BALL and a VAMPIRE COSTUME CONTEST sound? Great? Well, how about our 4 HOURS OF PRANCING IN THE DARK WHILE HIDING YOUR FACE BEHIND A CAPE SINGLES MIXER? Who’s this lovely victim? Why, she could be the love of your life, or, at the very least, the next person YOU PRETEND TO SUCK BLOOD OUT OF WHILE SUCKING IN THEIR SWEET SMELL AND LOCKING IT AWAY IN YOUR MEMORY BANKS TO RECALL LATER WHILE MASTURBATING!
And that’s not all! On hand will be Dacre Stoker, great-grand-nephew of Bram Stoker! Ask him questions like WAS YOUR GREAT-GRAND UNCLE A VAMP LIKE ME? and AIN’T THEM TWILIGHT FAGS A BUNCH OF F*CKS?!
Other events you can take part in include:
HISSING AT CROSSES, a How-To seminar hosted by multiple-time Buffy, The Vampire Slayer extra Ronald Stupak!
A live performance by Portland’s premier all-vampire punk rock trio SUCK MY ASS, VAN HELSING!
Marci Gadwall’s acclaimed motivational seminar I TRANSMOGRIFIED MYSELF IN TO A F*CKING BAT, AND YOU CAN TOO!
VAMPIRIC SHUFFLE BOARD!
COFFIN BUILDING WORKSHOP! Now with significantly less power tools that have been ACCIDENTALLY BLESSED BY THE POPE!
You can enjoy all this vampiric fun NEXT SUMMER!
Reserve your spot today!
Enjoy the BROODING!