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Come At Me, Solar Flare! I’m Right Here!

C’mon, you pussy! Come at me! I’m right here! It’s just you and me, Second Largest Solar Flare of the Current 11-year Cycle! It’s just me, a fleshy and easily charred human, versus you, a scorching tendril of the sun that was hurled toward the earth at around 4 million miles per hour. You think you’re hot shit, being from the sun and all, but you ain’t shit. You’re nothing but a sweaty bitch.

You made impact with the earth at 5:45 EST and I’m still standing. Is that all you’ve got, you little punk loser? C’mon, you were hyped up to be a near cataclysmic event; shutting down power grids and satellites all around the globe, tossing all of humanity in to chaos; effectively annihilated the world we have worked so hard to create and reducing us to violent savages hell-bent on killing each other for the sake of our individual survival. But now I’m reading that the worst thing to come of his is minor air travel delays and an extended aura radius that could reach down to the Finger Lakes. That’s it, solar flare? You’ve given people in Michigan a rare opportunity to look up and say “Oh, that’s nice.”  Why don’t you screw with our satellites and give us all free HBO and Cinemax while you’re at it – that’ll really make us angry, you idiot.

What’s really sad is that one scientist from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said this about you:

“It’s hitting us right in the nose.”

You’re landing direct punches and we can’t even feel it. I’ve fought children that are tougher than you, and they weren’t even flaming tendrils unleashed by a massive star, like a flaming space Cthulhu. Where’s your fiery rage, I wonder? Probably stuffed inside of your ponderously deep vagina, right next to your tampons and your DVD copy of The Notebook.

You’re lucky you didn’t make the impact experts warned us of, because if you had, ooooooh brother, would you have been in for a fight. Instead of brushing you off my shoulder, which I am currently doing, like so many specs of dandruff (not that I have any, seeing as my scalp is incapable of producing waste) I would have given you one of THESE! And maybe a little bit of THIS! And a couple of THESE THINGS! All of which would have been much more intimidating had this not been text and you could see the deadly karate I was demonstrating. But trust me, had you seen it, you would have fear-pissed all over Denmark, which would probably have given the Danish a beautiful warm day.

Karate Chop

Whatever. I don’t even care. I’ve resigned to the fact that you aren’t the worthy foe everyone said you were going to be. That’s cool. I get it. This is me we’re talking about here. Most celestial phenomena don’t want a piece of this. That’s why Haley’s Comet keeps coming towards earth and then backing away at the last second – it’s scared of getting SOME OF THIS SPACE KARATE. So, I’ll just add you to the ever-growing list of space things that are scared of facing me, alongside such luminaries as black holes, Supernovas, and Martians.

Space Things To Fight

Solar Flare, you know where to find me if you ever feel the need to flip your vagina inside-out so it can be turned in to a heavy set of balls – balls that you will need to face me one-on-one, as was promised. Until then, have fun sipping your white zinfandel and knitting festive sweater vests, you galactic pussy.

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