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A Comprehensive List of Tiger’s Mistresses

If you’re surprised by all the recent news regarding Tiger Woods and his menagerie of sluts, try to remember this: Tiger’s been obsessed with golf his whole life, which means that in high school he never got laid at all, so obviously he used his fame and fortune to rake in massive amounts of ass. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying that’s why it happened.  It seems like there’s no end to the list of women who have had some Tiger in their tank, so we decided to provide you with a comprehensive list of all the chicks Tiger’s boned (that we know of so far) to clear things up a bit:
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Elin is Tiger’s wife of 5 years. She’s from Sweden, but now she lives in the same f*cking house as he does. She’s a bikini model. She’s the mother of Tiger’s two kids. Obviously, this means she’s very boring in bed.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
As far as trophy wives go, Elin takes the cake.  She’s a Swedish bikini model, for shit’s sake, which makes her a trophy wife to an almost cartoonish degree.  She’s hot, he’s already married to her, and they have two kids. Those are all pretty good reasons to stick with a babe like Elin.
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
She’s clearly got some violent, nordic blood flowing through those veins of hers, and she is not afraid to kick her famous husbands ass for banging other chicks. That means she’s dangerous, especially if you’re a "sleep with every woman you come into contact with" kind of a guy like Tiger is.  Of course, the fact that he was out chasing skirts might suggest that she wasn’t holding up her end of the bargain in the bedroom. Just sayin’.
 
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Jaimee lives in Los Angeles, and she and Tiger began knockin’ boots (remember 1997?) in 2007, which was also right around the time that Jaimee started spelling her name with way too many vowels. Their relationship continued for 31 months, and Tiger never used a condom because he’s a dirty muthaf*cka. Jaimee is the chick who released the voicemail, in which Tiger asks her to remove her name from her voicemail in case his nosy viking wife decided to snoop around. 
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
She’s super-hot. She worked at a Medical Marijuana pharmacy. Also, did we mention she’s super-hot?
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
She was a cocktail waitress and she worked in a weed shop, so obviously she didn’t have a lot of spending cash.  This means that she had every reason to blackmail him or try to squeeze him for money. That’s dangerous.  Also, there was never any discussion about why he wasn’t wearing a condom or whether or not she was on birth control, so she seems like a skeezy, money-grubbing whore. She was also on VH1′s Tool Academy, and she was arrested once for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s, so she’s a real class-act.
 
 

Who the Hell Is She?
Rachel and Tiger met in the Manhattan night club where she works, and their affair lasted two months, although she denies that it ever happened because supposedly Tiger has already paid her off.  He also reportedly called her after the infamous car accident and tried to get her to meet up for a quick de-stressing bang session.  One of her friends said that Tiger would tell her that he loved her, but this may have been while he was getting high on Ambien to f*ck her.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
Great Tits.  Also, her silence clearly has a price, which is a good thing when you’re in Tiger’s position. She’s pretty hot, too.
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
Tiger apparently got ripped up on Ambien when he boned her, which may suggest that, hot as she may be, she’s not a very good lay unless you’re too groggy to care about quality.
 
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Kalika denies that she and Tiger ever had an affair, although apparently they’re known to have hooked up in October, 2009 in Las Vegas, where Kalika lives.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
She’s the first brunette on the list, and it’s nice to see Tiger mixing it up a bit.  There’s nothing like a hardcore big-titted blonde fetish to reinforce the public’s impression that you led a very sexually unsuccessful youth, never got any action in high school, and then went completely pussy-crazy for cliche sex objects when you became rich and famous.
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
Luckily, it sounds like Kalika is doing alright for herself money-wise, but if she ever decided to get greedy on him she could blackmail Tiger out of everything.  If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that Club Executives in Vegas are well-connected to nefarious kingpins of the underworld who will break your knees for basically anything. 
 
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Tiger started pawing at Cori after the two of them met in a Manhattan night club.  Cori soon became a favorite travel companion of Tiger’s, and he would often fly her across the country to golf tournaments so she could play with his putter in between holes, if you know what I mean (I’m talking about f*cking). Their affair lasted over 6 months.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
Being a 31-year old club girl and wannabe model can only mean one thing: she knows how to party.  She must’ve been out of control if Tiger felt the need to actually import a whore to stay with him during tournaments.

Why She Was a Bad Choice
She was a Hooters girl.  You don’t even have to be female anymore to be a Hooters Girl.  She also has a 7-year old son.  Did someone say cockblock? Yes. That 7-year old kid did, while he was blocking Tiger’s cock from his mom’s vagina (etc.).
 
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Jaime is a cocktail waitress and "aspiring" model in Vegas.  According to her, though, she started an 18-month fling with Tiger when she lived in Orlando, and they would bang in his house when his wife wasn’t there.  Oh, and she was only 20 years old at the time.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
Look at her.  This girl is adorable. At the age of 20, she was probably even cuter than she is now, all soft and smelling like flowers and stuff.  Also, she was probably very impressionable and willing to do anything to stay in the good graces of a billionaire pro golfer who decided to start banging her when his wife was out of town…anything.

Why She Was a Bad Choice
Being a model just involves looking attractive.  I don’t know how Jaime can aspire to that without accomplishing it.  It seems like anyone who’s waiting to get their braces off qualifies as an "aspiring model".  If she hasn’t become a model by the age of 26, it’s because she’s completely retarded.
 
 

Who the Hell is She?
Very few details have emerged regarding Tiger’s affair with Los Angeles-based porn star Holly Sampson, but Holly’s not denying that it happened.  Holly is best known for starring in over 85 adult films, including some pretty dirty fetish videos.  She’s also performed under the names Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Zoe.  She might be best-remembered, however, for co-starring in an episode of The Wonder Years with Fred Savage in her teen years.  Hopefully Kevin Arnold tapped it before she became a whore.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
She’s a porn star.
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
….um,…N/A?
 
 
 
Who the Hell Is She?
Mindy is a waitress at a Perkins Diner in Orlando.  For those of you who don’t know, that’s like the equivelant of a shitty IHOP.  For some reason, Tiger started taking this beast of a woman out in 2006, and he never wore a condom.  Apparently he even rawdogged her in a church parking lot, and in his house while his pregnant wife was out of town.  She says that Tiger liked to spank her and pull her hair.
 
Why She Was a Good Choice
It’s pretty clear that this chick would do some things that nobody else would do.  Some really weird, really kinky shit. That’s the only reason you’d ever bang a chick that bears such a striking resemblance to Rahzar, the evil mutant wolf-monster from TMNT 2.
 
Why She Was a Bad Choice
She’s been convicted of a felony DWI and is by far the ugliest of all the whores Tiger was banging.  To make things worse, she was a waitress at the pancake shop that Tiger frequented with his wife.  Rule#1: Never f*ck someone who handles your wife’s pancakes.
 

62 Responses to "A Comprehensive List of Tiger’s Mistresses"

  1. WeAll Knew says:

    To many people in the central florida area…none of this was a suprise.

  2. Poppajo8 says:

    Funny stuff.

  3. office jerk says:

    oh god the Mindy Lawton section just cracked me the fuck up.

    well done HT, well done.

  4. tommy says:

    hahaha omg, the ninja turtle reference made this article

  5. Tobysees says:

    Where is Scott Van Pelt of ESPN on this list?! I thought for sure he was banging Tiger! he must be destroyed not to be on this list.

  6. ringo says:

    this story doesn’t get huge legs until we find out the age of the girls he was pounding in Thailand. If it turns out they were minors, he gets dropped by Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and others – to the tune of $500 Million +
    Now THAT would be an expensive fukk-up!

  7. noname says:

    I’m I the only one missing a black/african american woman in all this???

  8. This girl is hot! says:

    All Tiger Woods girls are hot except the last one. I agree with the list poster, she looks like a wookie.

  9. Darrell T says:

    Personally, LMAO over the whole thing. All your comments are the best. As one who has always rooted for the short stack, I would love to see the empire crumble. Want to see the Fla. police pinch his ass too.

  10. You would do the same thing, you know you would says:

    Tiger should get a divorce, take his half, buy the Playboy Mansion and become the new Heff. He is well on the way already. Then he could have his cake and eat it anytime he liked.

  11. You would do the same thing, you know you would says:

    If all else fails, he could just get the top 12 together and make a calendar. They sale pretty good this time of year.

  12. LarryLOL says:

    Wow. Never saw some of these pigs. What was he thinking with that waitress. I have some skeletons fom college but that whore takes the cake. Your Tiger Woods for christ sake have some standards!!!

  13. say... says:

    Some of this is funny…but, what the hell, what kind of crap is this.
    I know nothing about him, and don’t care what he does on golf greens. Don’t care if he never plays golf again. I don’t drink gatorade, either.

    But, I bang the chicks, too. Then, go back to do what I was doing…make money chase the girls, and remember/call the ones who slept with me.

    (I love ladies too much to not try to get to sleep with them.)

  14. Anonymous1 says:

    only 10 more to go and we got a golf course!

  15. skoalman says:

    cat shit mutha fucka

  16. Vivan says:

    Tiger Woods has much to worry about in sponsorship terms; but otherwise is in the clear pre nup wise on is side and a realistic deal for his supposed wife of the moment. For any ho after this, it wont be much better on any contract that must be signed before any long term erotica and closeness might happen in the future.

  17. Down with Tiger says:

    this was a great list!

    Most people do have MORALS you know, and when you get MARRIED one end of the deal is remaining loyal to the other.

    If Tiger didn’t want to do that, why get married? Because he wanted to uphold a certain image. Now that image is shattered. Of course everyone cares! WTF. Anyone with any decency who understand the complexity of this situation WILL lose some respect instead of just saying ‘it’s none of our business, blah blah blah’

  18. vicky says:

    Le Tigre boned a blonde stripper in Utah who is friends with his caddy. Nailed her on a ping pong table in a game of strip pong up at a ski house in Park City. Since Tiger is good with small white balls, the story goes that it wasn’t only eye of the tiger in her boxing ring. She toured with him, etc etc. He sent crazy text messages, etc etc. All legit. Her name is Tiffany Greening. She grew up in Utah and moved to Las Vegas. She, not surprisingly, looks very much like Elin. Go figure.

  19. Ron G says:

    Personally, I don’t really give a damn what he does in his personal life. But, he HAS to break Nicklaus’s majors record. Nicklaus is the sorriest example of a human being…he all of a sudden gives a shit about kids…when someone is about to “de-thrown” him?? The “Golden Bear” didn’t give much of a damn when they threw his grandson in the pool to drown at one of his son’s pot-parties. At least Tiger gave millions to charity, kids AND VETS!!!! GO, TIGER GO!! Shovel that majors record up Nicklaus’s ass, so we don’t have to hear about him again….ever!

  20. BoonDOGgle says:

    Does Tiger have an 18 hole golf course yet?

  21. Who Cares? says:

    I like the idea of Tiger being the new King at the Playboy Mansion, and he is not a bad golfer to boot. I can think of some great new themes for all the new parties at the Mansion.

  22. Jen says:

    All the guys find this very entertaining maybe you have never been cheated on by someone you love. I hope all the douchey guys comments have girlfriends fucking their best friends at this very moment. What a hypocritical sexist world we live in.

  23. VicVega says:

    You guys didn’t include Joslyn James MILF pornstar either! LOL

    http://fuckeduppornsites.com/old-and-young/tiger-woods-scandal-pornstar-joslyn-james/

  24. leave the poor guy alone.. says:

    this is hysterical! as a female who seriously questions whether humans are really supposed to be monogamous :) i wondered if anyone else thought tiger was really getting treated unfairly. this article is classic; although it blames it on his lack of youth sexual activity and i actually think there’s a fark of a lot more cheating going on than anyone cares to admit.

    live life, yeah? have fun.. i don’t know.. i wonder if relationships are really meant to last longer than 5-7 years.. and sadly we try to make them only because it’s an unhealthy societal norm we ourselves have constructed. anyway glad to see some folks lightening up the story.

    and agree.. elin is probably Shite in bed! but what up with that ambien sex?? i guess i’ve halucinated on the stuff but as a turn-on.. that’s a bit bizarre..

  25. GolfFan says:

    Awesome man! I was laughing my a** off reading this. My favorite line: “if you know what I mean (I’m talking about f*cking).” lol You are going to have to update this though the numbers are way up there. Great post though I will have to check out some of your other stuff.

  26. BlowJobLuver says:

    BoonDOGgle should have said: Does Tiger have an 18 HO golf course, yet?

    Holy Taco is now firmly bookmarked on my infernal machine (;)

  27. tigers.tired.ballsack says:

    i am tiger’s ballsack. i keep up with his balls but all he does is slam me over and over and over. there are so many hands on me (from practice) that i can’t keep up w/ who is grabbing my balls. some are smooth and nice when they grab a ball or two, but some are rough, e.g. “Rahzar” (see above). when i get thirsty, la tigre never hesitates to rinse me w/ funky perfumy juices. oh well, i guess it could be worse being tiger’s ballsack. i always feel so tired though, i guess it’s the ambien and gatorade. i’ll go to rest on my caddy seat, don’t like the brooick.

  28. Dude says:

    Something tells me this is going to be a top 100 list soon. Get ready for Wilt Chamberlain numbers.

  29. CA says:

    Expecting to hear the list grow to outside the US – Japan, Thailand, China, Dubai …

  30. Jar says:

    You know, Tiger was also f*cking Buick, because in spite of all of his endorsement deals with them, he was driving a Cadillac when his wife went nuts.

  31. Blogger says:

    Love the list. Keep it up as more come down the line…

  32. Excellent work. TMZ is second now.

  33. To Blogger: says:

    Thats what she said.

  34. tiger hater says:

    dude if I was Tiger Woods I would be banging every hot piece of ass I could get my hands on. I would go fucking crazy. Who really gives a shit who he bangs in the first place? (besides his crazy wife I guess). Hey Tiger, do yourself a favor, divorce than dumb broad, write her a check, and start banging random whores openly and then it wont be a big deal anymore

  35. Tax Collector says:

    Hey dumbass, he will lose all his endorsements and soooooooooo much money if he does that.

  36. Philosopher Part 2: Bigger and Blacker says:

    But banging them secretly and having them come out of the woodwork is fine…..No problems at all there. Smart thinking.

  37. smash says:

    Naw.. in the time it took me to type this comment, George Clooney prob. banged the USC cheer squad and then ate a roast beef sub… If he was single, nobody would care how many chicks he’s digging out.

  38. Lane says:

    Seriously, the guy has a wife and kids. Has anyone considered the damage he has done to his family? His wife is clearly devastated, and what must it be like for those little kids living there while mommy & daddy don’t speak unless (maybe) they’re yelling. His actions have made deep scars that will cause his the 3 most important people in his world to resent him for as long as they are alive. There is more to life than a piece of ass.

  39. dbx says:

    so this Tiger Woods affair thing plays out like a Prisonner’s Dilemma
    where:
    all bitches shut up => Tigers gives them some $$$
    one bitch opens her mouth => scandal => all bitches stop getting $$$
    bitch who opens hermouth => becomes famous
    all other bitches must step forward to share in fame and make a little residual $.
    the more bitches are in the game => the higher the likelihood of one bitch opening
    her mouth

  40. Mackadillio says:

    You got it right here! :D

    Interesting game indeed.
    This is the reason why superstars don’t need a Playstation ;)

  41. your mom says:

    Rahzar!! hahahaha…. She hella does look like it!

  42. It's A Free Country says:

    Tiger can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t break any laws. We shouldn’t be so interested in what he does… it’s none of our business (unless he breaks the law). Who cares who he dates, sees, bangs, or whatever? It’s none of our business. As long as he doesn’t break the law, he can live his life however he wants. I’m not saying I agree with him cheating on his wife, but, frankly, at the end of the day, his infidelity is between him, his wife, his God, and his lovers. Leave him alone and move on with your own life.

  43. Professional Asshole says:

    You’re fucking Tiger too aren’t you? How much is he paying you to lick his asshole fag?

  44. Wake the F&%K UP! says:

    We shouldn’t be interested in what he does? Not only is he a celebrity, but he is also arguably the most famous athlete in the world! He hocks a ridiculous amount of products based on his image and career. In fact, the majority of his money comes from advertising. When he goes around banging everything that moves, while being married, that has a negative impact on his selling power. So, you are damn wrong if you don’t believe people have the right to know what kind of dirtbag husband he has been.

  45. dude that agrees with what previous random dude just said says:

    dudes, we’ve all paid money to gatorade, who paid our money to tiger, who smiled like a shiny turd on the label of the “tiger gatorade” bottle we paid $4.50 an ounce for at the shop-a-snak. don’t be throwing your face up all over town and taking checks for it then ask everyone to stop trying to figure out what’s going on with you, dude. i mean dude, really. i promise if you write every single person in america a check for $4.50 and give it all back, then go live under a bridge, people won’t give a shit about you anymore because you don’t have the billions of dollars we gave you for being such a shiny turd. you’ll just be another broke schmuk like the rest of us, dude.

  46. kmdasklmsadklmads says:

    He actually did break the law. Hes been married the whole time.

  47. Kobie says:

    Cheating on your wife is not against the law.

  48. office jerk says:

    no, you misunderstood. Getting married is against the law if you wanna fuck around with dirty whores.

  49. Guys are pigs. says:

    Cheating on your spouse IS against the law, its called adultery.

  50. dude, dude says:

    adultery is not against the law, moron. it may be against the ten commandments, but that’s a pile of made up bullshit, you know it and i know it – deal with it.

  51. Love people who open mouth insert both feet says:

    Adultery is against the law in many states you can actually go to jail for it but most women in a divorce opt for you staying out of jail so you can continue to pay the alimony and child support. Anyways, before you say something is definite, make sure you have your fact straight, of course you didn’t put your real name cuz then all of your friends and family would know how much of a moron you are.

  52. reality says:

    Marriage is a contract and terms of that contract are to be faithful (not have sex with other men/women). It is an implied contact and is also based on your vows. Let me ask you this; when you get married when are you actually married? When the priest or JP says “I now pronounce you man and wife”, or when you sign the legal document from the state that acknowledges that you are now married and you both signed this “contract”?
    So adultery is actually a legal basis to sue and some states say it is illegal. And that’s why the cheating party usually has pay damages.

  53. acdxxx says:

    Florida is a no fault state so adultry is not against any law or the contract of a marraige.

  54. Googler says:

    Adultery is criminal in Florida. http://www.jacksonvillecriminalattorneyblog.com/2008/09/did_you_know_adultery_is_a_crime_in_florida.html

    If marriage is a civil contract, and adultery breaks that contract, then it is also a civic offense.

  55. Get in the hole says:

    That list is the best f*ing ever! lol. “putter in between holes”… “rule #1″… lmao. Thanks.

  56. noone you know says:

    get it “in the hole”. a term he thought he was to take literally. i mean, we all told him to get it in the hole, and sure did.

  57. Update says:

    From what I read Kalika isn’t one of Tiger’s hookups, she’s his madam (or pimp perhaps). He flies to Vegas to party at her club, and she finds girls for him to bang. Not a bad system.

  58. Michael Scott says:

    And the Dundie for Douchebag of the decade goes to… Tiger Woods FTW!

  59. Klapkila says:

    Hilarious article author is very funny!

  60. Get Some says:

    Who really cares if adultery is against the law in florida? We all enjoyed the humor in this list and we all know what he did was wrong to his family but hey lets just enjoy this well thought and clever list:)

  61. Anonymous is Legion? says:

    Like someone sort of eluded to:

    The guy is part black and part asian. Yet no black or asian on his hit list. Interesting…

    Anyways, this is all hilarious: the facts, the article, the posts!

  62. TIGER says:

    Notice how all of them are white and pretty ( Except for the last one she is OOGLIE). Tiger is addicted to white pussy. FUCK i wish i was a billionaire