Google is the biggest search engine since Alta Vista, probably. It’s always there to answer your questions. Maybe not accurately, but it tries. And, for the last while, it’s also tried its hand at asking your question before you do as well. Basically, Google recognizes what you’re typing in and, based on the most common searches using the same words, it offers some suggestions for you. These suggestions are almost always either borderline insane or offensive. But they can also be informative, as in the case of modern race relations. How far has the civil rights movement taken us, anyway? How much of a divide is there across races? To the search engine, where we will confront these questions head on and, in the interests of advancing racial harmony, answer them!
White people, why do you wear shoes in the house? This is obviously a cause for concern for people of all races and, frankly, I think it transcends race. No one should wear shoes in the house. It’s not proper. But, for those curious, we asked our resident expert on whiteness (our intern) why white people wear shoes in the house. The answer, of course, was because an unshod white foot will quickly pick up dirt and debris, marring its porcelain-like veneer and, if caught at an improper angle by one’s social betters or equals, could be mistaken for the dusky foot of a Mulatto.
Oh God. It’s so racist. Oh man. OK, we’re trying to keep this open and non-judgmental. We’re trying to be helpful. So let’s take this one step at a time.
- Everyone loves Red Lobster. It’s delicious seafood at a reasonable price and anyone who offers you endless shrimp has to be pretty decent.
- This is an optical illusion, probably a trick your mind has played on you after noticing how much you want to kiss Kanye West.
- Black people say axe when a hatchet just won’t do.
Oh, this isn’t much better at all. But hey, kudos to the ignorant for heading to Google in an effort to better understand the world around them, or whatever. On to the answers and racial harmony!
- Asia is a massive continent and includes such countries as Myanmar, Armenia, India, Russia, Syria, Japan, Turkmenistan and Yemen. All of these people will likely squint when looking at the sun however, in their natural state, they have many different shaped eyes. Some even have eye patches! Ahoy, Thai pirates!
- Have you perhaps confused Asians with Mexican wrestlers? This is a common mistake.
- Ironically, for the same reason Australian’s love it.
Do you feel the racial harmony yet? It’s like a sunny day in Arizona up in here. If you have questions about our Latino friends, we can offer some insight. Insight into your terrible, terrible questions.
- Are you sure all Latino men cheat? Isn’t it more likely that your friend earned all those hotels fair and square and landed on Boardwalk thanks to a lucky roll of the dice and nothing more?
- Great thespians such as Benjamin Bratt, Jimmy Smits and Javier Bardem have all played dark roles but don’t be so quick to typecast them. They can all play fun and light characters, too!
- Many scholars believe life originated in the Fertile Crescent which, of course, is in Asia. Isn’t that interesting?
- It’s the land of opportunity!
I don’t want to get bogged down in stuff that I feel may not be serious. We all know white people eat mayonnaise. They also like mayonnaise and they are likely to eat mayonnaise for dinner. However, as we can see, the questions do get more in depth towards the end there with the question regarding what white people smell like. The answer to that question (tell me if you saw this coming) is power. Which, interestingly, smells like mayo.
Thanks for being so inquisitive, guys. It’s cool that your questions make me nervous about walking down the street alone and whatnot, and I’d shut my laptop if anyone walked in the room, but that’s cool. Knowledge isn’t always pretty. So maybe these questions are a little more horrible than the last round, but that’s OK. The Klan is online now and they’re a curious, if semi-literate, rabble. Let’s help them out.
- Black people, over many years of trial and error, have developed a system whereby they wash their hair when they shower.
- When they wash their hair. Unless you mean what time of day, in which case you should ask black people on a case by case basis to get an answer. I like to think most will say in the morning or before bed.
Rice was first cultivated in the Yangtze River valley in China. For a few hundred years, it could only be eaten at special occasions and celebrations. Then, as cultivation expanded, it became more common and affordable and was enjoyed all the time. When Marco Polo famously made his trip to the far East he was the first non-Asian permitted to enjoy rice, but he could only eat it under full sun to prove he was not a demon. After trade routes had been set up with China, this tradition was upheld for a few years until it was discovered demons could eat rice in just about any kind of lighting. But back to the point, Asians eat rice whenever they like.
Sometimes we forget that even white people, historically the holders of all the power, are just as confusing and different to other races as other races are to them. Poor white people! But poor you if you don’t understand them, either. So let’s help with a couple of questions that clearly need answering.
- After lunch but before bed.
- Same, but generally on Thanksgiving Day. White people opted to celebrate it on the same day as everyone else back in 1951.
Let’s end things on a bit of an existential note, because really, does the essence of a person have a color? Not to invoke any religious aspect, but for lack of a better word, is your soul black or white? And, as someone took the time do ask, where do black people go when they die? For just under $8,000, they can become a 0.5 carat diamond thanks to the good people at LifeGem. Of course, white people can do that, too.