So good news for Rihanna, Chris Brown recently completed a court-ordered domestic violence class. Way to go Chris! Now, thanks to some inside sources, we were able to find a transcription of Chris’s welcome letter:
Let me be the first to say “Welcome” to the next chapter in your life and educational career. I would congratulate you on your acceptance into the program, but we all know how you got here. Don’t worry, Chris, nobody is here to judge you. The staff and this intense program are all designed to set you up for success and help you to learn. When you complete this fifty-two week course, you will leave here a better man than when you came in. You still won’t be better than most men, but you should at least be able to stop yourself from hitting women.
Brace yourself, Chris. This is an intense course and it’s fifty-two weeks long. That’s an entire year. I know, it seems like a long time to learn the simple fact that you shouldn’t hit women, but there’s more to the program than that. We focus most of our curriculum on not hitting women, but we also spend several class periods on other subjects like not kicking dogs, not punching the elderly and not shaking babies. You know, common sense shit. You can reference your schedule at the bottom of this letter for details, and stop hitting women.
I don’t mean to frighten you, Chris. This school isn’t all business, we have our share of harmless fun too. We were actually voted the number one party domestic violence school in the country! We keep things pretty loose around the dorms. We just ask that you don’t hit any women while you’re here, or ever again.
We even have a few social outings for our students throughout the year. Our most popular being a mid-term dance. We invite a group of students from the women’s mixed martial arts school across the street and allow everyone to socialize in a safe environment. I won’t say that it’s a free for all, but it’s a lot of fun. Let me warn you ahead of time, there are some rules regarding dance etiquette. You must remain an arms length plus six inches away from your dance partner at all times and don’t ever hit women! Especially those women, because their focus is quite different than ours, and they will hit you back. You’re going to have a lot of fun here, as long as you don’t hit any women.
You’re going to meet a lot of new people here, and hopefully make some good friends. You’ll all find you have a lot of things to bond over, like your inability to use good judgement. As you work through the course, you will forge friendships that will last a lifetime. You’ll probably get together every year with people you meet here and talk about how you don’t hit women anymore. It’s going to be great!
We want to see you succeed. We would like to have a celebrity photo on our wall of successful graduates! We’ve come pretty close a few times — Ike Turner, O.J. Simpson, and Mel Gibson. They all had some slip-ups when they got out into the real world. But hopefully you won’t follow the same path.
I wish you the best, Chris Brown. Your curriculum is listed below, please be on time to classes. Looking forward to meeting you.
Weeks 1 – 12: Intro to Stop Hitting Women
Weeks 13 – 24: Intermediate Stop Hitting Women
Weeks 25 – 26: Don’t Kick Animals
Weeks 27 – 30: Stop Hitting Women: A Refresher course
Weeks 31 – 36: Women In History That Would’ve Hit You Back
Weeks 37 – 39: How To Put Your Pants On One Leg At a Time and Other Common Sense Things You May Have Missed.
Weeks 40 – 41: Heavy Bags And Other Things You Can Punch, Instead of Women
Weeks 42 – 52: Advanced Stop Hitting Women (A Capstone Course)
Dean of Admissions