In our just and awesome society, no one is above the law, except maybe Steven Seagal, but he’s also above his ideal weight. Even those who enforce the laws are subject to them, except that sometimes they kinda sorta forget. And then they get caught doing stuff like this.
Speeding for Coffee
No one likes traffic cops because the only time you ever meet a traffic cop is when you perceive him to be an asshole. He’s pulling you over or writing you a ticket and even if you were blazing down main street on the sidewalk with a drunken hooker in the sunroof, you still never feel like you deserve a ticket. So maybe that’s why NYC traffic cop Daniel Chu decided to abuse what little authority he had by sparking up the flashing lights and sirens to haul ass through stop signs and red lights on his way to a Dunkin Donuts.
Unfortunately for Chu and the epic hard on for a coffee coolata he must have had, a city councilman happened to be driving down the same street and saw Chu put on the lights while he was chatting on his cell phone. Curious as to what emergency didn’t necessitate hanging up the phone, the councilman followed the officer all the way to the donut shop.
In a fun twist, the councilman started snapping pictures of Chu who, enraged that he had been caught red handed, did the only thing a traffic cop can ever do – he wrote the councilman a $65 ticket.
Having Sex in Church
Germans are known for their efficiency, at least that’s what an episode of the Simpsons once told us. With that in mind, it seems like it’s hardly surprising to hear about an off duty officer who decided to have himself some sex in the gallery of the church during a service. Getting closer to both God and vagina is probably the most efficient thing you’ll do all day.
Unfortunately for the cop as he ran away he was recognized with hilarious results – the potential to spend three years in prison for “disruption of a religious practice” which is apparently the friendly Bavarian way to say “boning during mass.”
Beating a Special Ed Student
We’re living in a curious period of flux in terms of social tolerance. On the one hand we’re enlightened enough as a people to recognize the needs and worth of individuals who face mental and emotional challenges and on the other hand lots of people laugh at retard jokes.
So this cop in a Chicago suburb was tasked with maintaining the safety of the halls of a highschool that served special education students. What’s the best way to ensure that safety? Beat a bitch.
As it happens, 15 year old Marshawn Pitts was strolling the halls with his shirt untucked. The officer, who’d spent the previous night maintaining social order in 1859, lost his shit. He threw the kid into a wall and proceeded to beat an appreciation for orderly fashion into him while security cameras recorded the entire event for the benefit of CBS news.
In trying to determine why the officer had such a hate on for, savvy journalists also determined that the officer was, at press time, in prison for raping a woman and had a curious case of self defense in his past, wherein he self defended himself with 24 bullets that ended up lodged in another man.
Stealing Women’s Clothes
If you’ve read more than 5 stories on the internet, likely one of them was about how insane Japan is. If you haven’t, then we’re here to tell you how insane Japan is. And when you have a second, Google “panty vending machines.” You’ll be delighted.
In this particular tale, a 53 year old police inspector was caught at a members-only shopping center, so like Japanese Sam’s Club, stealing women’s clothes. He had about $250 US worth of panties and gloves in his bag when he was caught. No word on whether those were awesome bulk panties or not.
Jiro Oe, an assistant police inspector, said he shops there all the time, but this is the first time he thought “man, I want panties and I don’t want to pay for them.” If you did as we asked and Googled the vending machines, you’ll know panties are big business in Japan. You won’t know why, and neither do we, but you’ll know it.
Rocking a Cyclist
This story actually made some headlines thanks to an amateur video of the incident, because when a cop beats the snot out of someone it’s kind of a hilarious miscarriage of justice, but when it’s caught on tape it’s an epic miscarriage of justice that we share on Facebook.
Patrick Pogan, a 24 year old New York City police office, was on duty during critical mass in 2008. Apparently that’s when people ride bicycles in an angry fashion to prove appoint or some such. While keeping on eye out to make sure everyone’s baseball cards were properly affixed in their spokes, Pogan decided it might be fun to lunge at a random cyclist and send that sorry son of a bitch flying. Unfortunately for Pogan, there was one of those punks with a camera nearby who filmed the whole event, showing that Pogan assaulted the cyclist completely without provocation, despite Pogan insisting that the cyclist was giving him the stink eye, or menacing him with his banana seat, or whatever he pretended the guy did.
Having Sex with a Cow
It’s hard to improve upon the name of this entry, but we can at least expound on it and share the terrifying details you’re hoping we won’t actually share.
Robert Meila Jr. was once a police officer before he decided that sex offenders were lazy and he could out batshit crazy the whole lot of them if he just put some effort into it. And man, did he. While being investigated for sexually assaulting three girls, cops found home movies Meila had made that involved him and livestock. Specifically, he was trying to feed cows something they shouldn’t eat.
The fun capper on this story is that the only reason Meila was really in the news, because this sort of thing isn’t cool enough to be worth reading about in New Jersey, is because he was found not guilty of assaulting the cows, because bestiality, while not the most positive lifestyle choice, is not illegal n Jersey.