The MTV Movie Awards were last night, and with it came even more undeniable proof that MTV simply has no clue what their purpose is anymore. You know your awards show, and really, your channel as a whole, is really sucking it when the pre-show is hosted by the rabid pack of overly tanned Jersey Shore morons that people only watch so they can say, “I may suck, but at least I don’t suck as much as they do.”
For as terrible as the show was and usually is (with the possible exception of Tom Cruise’s dance number), we’ve got to hand it to MTV. They have a formula that they know works and they’re going to keep that formula closely guarded, like Colonel Sanders’ 11 herbs and spices. But we figured out MTV’s herbs and spices and we’re going to democratize that knowledge, because we feel that everyone on earth should have the chance to create a nearly unwatchable award show of their own.
1) Create A General Sense of Confusion
From the moment the show hits the air waves, to the moment they sign off, every moment in-between feels like a cable access show with a monstrous budget. No one is entirely sure as to what the hell is going on and all the presenters seem like they wandered on to the stage and woke up in a semi-panicked daze after a wacky sleepwalking journey ended with them fully clothed and presenting an award to Who Gives A Damn for Best Inconsequential Bullshit.
2) Make Sure Everyone Feels Like They Could Be Doing Something Better With Their Time
Everyone must, at all times, feel like they are a part of a colossal waste of time; but more importantly, this feeling must resonate from every single aspect of the show. The host must always give it 50%; the presenters must always shamelessly promote their new flick as they eagerly await the post-show after party where they can drown their Sell Out sorrows in liquor and buffet table shrimp; and the people in the control room have to tear their eyes away from the Lakers/Celtics game for a couple of minutes to point the camera at something or someone that looks even partially interested in what’s going on. That last reason is why random cutaways to smirking hot chicks in the audience accounted for approximately 83% of last night’s MTV Movie Awards.
3) Capitalize On The Popularity Of A Celebrity
They just wouldn’t be MTV if they didn’t make blatant attempts at cashing in on the popularity of a celebrity, whether they warrant the attention or not. Last night’s shameless celebrity pandering came when Sandra Bullock won some kind of lifetime achievement award. To do this, they had to bring out Betty White. Sandra Bullock and Betty White: two names that are Twitter trending topic gold mines. Whether Sandra Bullock deserves a lifetime achievement award of any kind this early in her career is up for debate. But if there was no debate about it, we would say no. No, she does not deserve one. But what makes it strange is that they brought Betty White on to the stage to present her. Betty White was born in 1922. MTV gave a lifetime achievement award to a women that’s literally half the age of the presenter – a presenter that MTV has never given a lifetime achievement award to, even though the testicles of trending topic search engines across the internet would explode if such a thing occurred.
We guess in MTV’s eyes being 46-years-old means you should be researching which old folk’s home you want to die in, and being 88-years-old is such a hard-to-grasp, mythical concept that you might as well be a Hobbit with dragon wings that can grant wishes.
4) Arbitrarily hand out awards
MTV hands out movie awards in the same way 14-year-old girls text message each other as they watch the MTV Movie Awards. There really isn’t a whole lot of a thought going in to it, and if someone tries to actually put some thought in to it, they’re met with cold, blank stares and accusations of retardation.
If we had to guess how the winners are chosen, it would probably based on who MTV would turn in to a huge star if they had that kind of power anymore, and whatever tickles the sexual fancy of the type of frivolous douche bags you knew and avoided in high school.
5) Be a giant billboard for Twilight
If there’s one thing that soaks the panties of the collective MTV audience, it’s Twilight. MTV knows this. If they knew they could get away with it, the entire award show would take place during the commercial breaks of a 24-hour marathon of the Twilight movies and a disdain-filled reading of the books by Morgan Freeman, while he’s decked out in a Team Jacob T-shirt.
Only in MTV’s little vacuum of stupid can Twilight: New Moon win Best Picture, and Kristen Stewart, an actress that delivers lines of dialogue like she’s constantly burping up some bad taco meat, can win Best Actress. If we were to make a prediction for next year’s winners, we would venture to guess that Taylor Lautner will win Best Abs On A Lycanthrope.