The Creation of Fagottini

Picture it – Sicily, 1457. A young pasta maker sits in his shop staring blankly at a table strewn with spaghetti, fettuccini, penne and macaroni. And at the head of the table sits rigatoni, the invention of Giuseppe de Medici, the master Pasta Smith, just last spring. Half a year it had been out and still the talk of all of Italy. Rigatoni this and rigatoni that. The people were in love with it and De Medici was the hero of the pasta-loving world. He was a celebrity and got so much pasta groupie tang it was insane.

The young pasta maker sighs as he bends and folds some unshaped pasta dough. He makes a swastika-shaped noodle and calls it Chunkatoni. His master, the Pasta Smith Michelangelo de la Ponzi says it is as appetizing to look at as a one-legged whore with leprosy is to make love to. The young pasta maker asks if that is good. De la Ponzi says no, it is not. And his eyes get misty when he says so.

The next shape resembles a rounded mound, and it is filled with cheese and mushrooms. The pasta maker calls it Boobaroni. De La Ponzi smashes it and calls it retardarino. That’s not even a word. Not even in Italian.

The young man tries a noodle that looks vaguely like narwhals making love. His master tells him he’s fired. The young man tells him to shove his pasta up his ass. The master shakes his fist in that way decrepit old men do, his pants hiked up very close to his ample old man bosom.

The young man wanders down bustling streets towards the sea. He stops at some market stalls and buys some fish and vegetables and meat for later. He hears merchants talking about some new rigatoni they tried the night before that was sublime. The old man laughingly suggests that there’s a delicious new pasta called Boobaroni they should all try. The merchants tell him to shut up and banish him. No one wants Boobaroni. It sounds retardarino. Where did that word come from?

Furious, the young man storms off and bumps into a well to do man shopping at a nearby stall. Both men drop their purchases. The well to do man swears and demands the young pasta maker pick up everything, or else. He will kick him in the balls with his very pointy shoes made from supple Italian leather. The young man, still furious, complies, for he fears for the safety of his balls. They are the most precious thing an Italian man has, next to his chest hair and his mother.

In the kafuffle, the young man accidentally picks up an envelope that belonged to the well-to-do man and only when he returns to his hovel. Opening it, he sees it’s an invitation to the Sicilian Pasta Expo, the preeminent pasta show in all the world, were all the hottest new pastas are on display. This is where rigatoni first showed up. Surely this is the place where the young pasta maker could show off his skills and show his old master and the whole world that he could do better than rigatoni. It’s a f*cking corkscrew! A monkey could have made that.

With his ill-gotten invite in hand, the young pasta maker sets to work in his small kitchen to make a pasta masterpiece. He makes tubes, and pockets and noodles of all shapes and sizes. He toils through the night and day, missing his meetings with the Gino’s League and his night job at Ricardo’s Chest Hair Wax Factorium.

Finally the day of the Pasta Expo arrives and the young pasta maker brings a covered dish, ready to wow all of Sicily’s pasta elite. The big draw at this year’s show is said to be Giuseppe de Medici’s new pasta, his follow up to rigatoni, which he promises will be so much more than rigatoni.

The young pasta maker bides his time. Finally the moment arrives and De Medici unveils his new masterpiece. The crowd gathers at the front of the forum and De Medici lifts the lid from his dish to unveil…cappelini. It’s f*ckin’ skinny spaghetti. The crowd is stunned into silence.

And in that moment, the young man strikes. He takes to the stage and as all eyes, confused and unsure, turn to him, he whips off the lid of his dish revealing a small, square stuffed pasta that for all intents and purposes is ravioli. But not today. Not right now.

The young man points to De Medici and says the pasta was named in honor of his new creation, cappelini. And it was named in honor of De Medici himself. It is called Fagottini.

It is the world’s first and most awesome pasta burn and it is funny as shit. The crowd roars. Long live Fagottini.