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Cringer Succumbs to Feline AIDS

heman cringerCASTLE GREYSKULL- Cringer, the cowardly green tiger and long time companion of Prince Adam of Eternia, has died after a lengthy struggle with Feline AIDS, a spokesman for the Royal Palace of Eternos told The Associated Press on Monday.

Cringer was surrounded by a small group of friends and loved ones when he passed away, including Prince Adam, King Randor, and Queen Marlena.

"He was my everything and I will love him forever," Prince Adam said in a written statement. “At this time, we ask that you please respect our privacy as we mourn our loss.”

heman and cringer and man at armsCringer’s public life seemed to consist mainly of sleeping, eating, and avoiding danger at all costs. But the tabloids have repeatedly accused the cat of leading a double life as the flamboyant, mask-wearing homosexual diva known to Eternia’s gay club scene as “Battle Cat.”

This was the royal family’s first public acknowledgement of Cringer’s illness. In the past, the Royal Palace had refused to comment on Cringer’s health, and had denied all rumors of a secret identity. The circumstances surrounding Cringer’s death are all but certain to fuel further speculation.

"He was ridiculous," said Orko, an openly homosexual magician who claims to have spotted Cringer at "Snake Mountain," a popular gay nightclub.

"My boyfriend Fisto and I saw him wearing a saddle and being ridden by some greasy half-naked he-man," Orko said. "I went over to tell him hello, and he was all like, ‘What? Who’s Cringer? My name’s Battle Cat!’ Please! Like that dreadful mask was going to fool anybody. How tacky!"

Added Orko, "Hey, whatever gets you off, sweetheart."

Regardless of the validity of these claims, some believe that Cringer’s death should serve at as a wake up call to the dangers of Feline AIDS.

orko and ramman"Instead of launching preemptive wars against Skeletor or Hordak, the Royal Family should be funding FIV prevention programs," said Ram Man, a prominent Eternian gay rights activist. "Maybe if they listened to the medical community rather than religious wackos like the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, Cringer might still be alive."

When asked for a comment, Man-at-Arms, a long time associate of the royal family, described Ram Man’s statements as "the worst kind of Monday morning-quarterbacking."

"It’s time (Ram Man) started thinking about how he and his community would be man at armstreated if Skeletor was in charge," Man-at-Arms said. "The royal family did everything it could for Cringer. Especially Prince Adam. He is the kindest, strongest, and most beautiful man I’ve ever known."

Added Man-at-Arms, "That came out wrong. Please don’t print that. I’m not gay. What, is it the moustache?"

A private memorial service will be held on Saturday at Castle Grayskull.

(RIP ThePhatPhree)

 

2 Responses to "Cringer Succumbs to Feline AIDS"

  1. Chuckles says:

    No wonder Tila seems all pent-up and frustrated all the time.

  2. pratik says:

    I wonder what Felix the cat has to say about all this