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Crows: Our Future Overlords

Crows are f*cking smart.  They’re resourceful and clever, and they possess ingenuity and problem-solving skills that surpass any other winged creature out there.  Crows are "the guy from beautiful mind" of the bird world, except that girl crows aren’t quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly.  Fortunately, this means they’re a lot of fun to watch.  Unfortunately, it means that in a few hundred years or so, crows could develop some key abilities that would eventually allow them to conquer the world: 
 
 
The Use of Tools
 
There was a scientist last year who proposed that we start building vending machine’s for crows in major cities.  Basically, his thought was that we could teach crows to pick up litter and deposit it into a machine that would then reward them with treats.  This idea would probably work, too, because crows are really good at figuring out tools, mechanics, and cause-and-effect relationships.  People run tests with crows all the time, where they put some food at the bottom of a tube, and the crow has to figure out how to get it out with some wire, like this:
 
 

Not only did that crow utilize a tool, but he modified the tool by bending it into a hook in order to grab the bucket rope with it.  That’s only a few short steps away from rubbing some sticks together until you light a fire, and once crows figure out fire, we’re done for.  Imagine a hundred crows dropping firebombs on your face every time you walk outside.  Now guess what that group of crows is called?  It’s called a Murder of crows.  That’s right.  A murder.  Why shouldn’t we be terrified of these super-intelligent, winged nightmares?
 
 
The Ability to Speak
 
By now you’re probably thinking "Well, at least they can’t talk."  Well, think again.  Not only do crows have the ability to speak, but they tend to have a deeper and sexier voice than you do.  This crow sounds like that deep-voiced "all the Philly steaks you can eat" guy from Boys II Men.
 
 
 
I can just see it now: the phone rings.  It’s a crow on the line, pretending to be someone you know:  "Hey, it’s Jamal from work.  Is there any way you could meet me outside?  My car broke down."  You like Jamal.  He’s a good guy.  The crow knows this.  He knows that you owe Jamal big time, because he didn’t tell your girlfriend that you guys went to the strip club last week.  You go outside to help your good friend, Jamal, and then…STAB!  The crow stabs you in the neck with a tool he fashioned out of metal.  Plus, to add insult to injury, he’ll probably call your girlfriend with that deep, sexy voice of his, and somehow give it to her better than you could.  It’s just a matter of time.
 
Playing Just for Fun
 
Crows are one of the only animals besides humans that plays just for the fun of it, and their favorite toy seems to be snow.  Sure, it’s no Xbox 360, but if you were around before Nintendos went on sale, you’ll remember that snow is pretty fun.  I don’t know exactly how they can tell that this crow is enjoying himself, because to me it looks like he’s still trying to figure out how to murder everything he sees, but apparently, this is what it looks like when a crow plays in the snow:
 
 
Exotic flute music makes everything seem innocent and fun, but you can tell that this crow is just trying to bait the camera man closer, because he’s probably set some kind of trap where the camera guy will fall onto some jagged rocks or something, and then that evil, feathered menace will peck his cold, dead eyes out.
 
They’re Using Us Already
 
A lot of people are probably thinking "Geeze, chillax.  We’re already the dominant species on the planet, and we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.  As long as human’s keep spreading out, and building, and propogating our species, then no other lifeform on Earth can touch us."  Well, to that person I would say that’s exactly what they said at the beginning of Godzilla, and we all remember how that turned out.
 
 
As it turns out, though, crows are pretty good at figuring out how to take advantage of their surroundings, and that includes crows that live in urban environments.  Not only can they co-exist with humans, but they have actually figured out ways to live better than they did without us.  Take a look at these crows in Japan who figured out how to use traffic and crosswalks to get food:
 
 
So now we know that crows can build and manipulate tools, they can speak like humans, their cognizant enough to understand entertainment, and they have absolutely no problem taking whatever humans can throw at them and making it into something incredibly useful.  The most frightening thing, though, is that these are just average crows doing this stuff.  Somewhere out there, there’s a crow that’s the smartest crow on Earth, and he must be really smart.  He’s like the DaVinci of crows.
 
 
If normal crows are figuring out traffic patterns and utilizing crosswalks, we can only imagine what the DaVinci crow is scheming up.  The only thing the crows need is organization.  They need a strong leader to organize their forces, and we’re done for.  We know that crows can kill, because some murders of crow have been known to kill lambs for food.  Also, crows can recognize and remember individual humans.  That means that if you happen to escape a crow attack, they’ll remember you and hunt you down like a whorish teenage girl in a slasher film.  We’re basically doomed.  Let’s just try to remember not to leave bits of wire lying around, and not to leave any food at the bottom of a narrow plastic tube, because by doing that, you’re only encouraging the crows to get smarter, and that can only inevitably lead to one thing:
  

17 Responses to "Crows: Our Future Overlords"

  1. vergudo says:

    pinches cuervos no valen verga igual ke los putos gringos jajajajaj vayanse a la verga

  2. queeftard says:

    this is so fucking boring my ass hurts.

  3. ±Schmep says:

    As long as you go first, while we watch.

  4. philosopher says:

    unless they learn to start cutting power lines and attack people with knives in their beaks, I’m not worried. though I would welcome any animal that would make humans extinct

  5. Johnny Brillcream says:

    Yup, someday we’ll all be their bitches….

  6. pfff says:

    Crows are weak, they completely disappeared from my state(Illinois) because of West Nile Virus. They are pussies, and I’ve easily killed a handful in my lifetime with various pellet guns.

  7. OCZA says:

    Holy fucking shit…we are fucking screwed. They are getting smarter and are determined to take over. Holy shit…holy shit…its just a matter of time!!! Why god Why!!!!!!! This is definitively the end of the world…fuckkkk…we are all screwed. I can just imagine it now….
    A year from now…the crows are organized and have a dictator for a leader and are ready to conquer the Human race…at the same time the zombie virus is spreading around the world taking victims and making them into the undead. The crows make and alliance with the zombies in order to exterminate the humans. WE ARE FUCKING SCREWED!!!!!

    In order to join the fight against this Apocalypse call
    1-800-Kill-Crows.
    -OCZA (Organization against the Crow and Zombie Apocalypse)

  8. Answer says:

    i hate you. die.

  9. MrKillson says:

    And inevitably this will lead to——ZOMBIE CROWS! Everybody drop your pants and grab the vaseline, we’re fucked.

  10. Bill Nye, The Rape Guy says:

    This was fucking excellent. Except for the terrifying conclusion i came to after reading it. That was just so-so.

  11. s3xt0y says:

    I agree with philospher on this one, also the first video the crow wasn’t so smart when he pulled out the weight with the tool, as if he needed the weight in the first place “the fuck, they jipped me”

    the crow speaking, he was a one time hit, then he didn’t want to speak anymore, so if and when they take over are they going to say anything, most likely not, and they only come around when they spot death, so it’ll be a long shot before they come out to play for war.

    as for the pbs show of it rolling down the hill, one single bird did that no others did, perhaps he was drugged, that would explain alot.

  12. Philanderer says:

    That was a bucket of food, not a weight. The video cut off before the bird started eating.

    Did you hear the annunciation in that bird’s voice? Sure, he’s just emulation, but that’s damn good.

  13. Anonymoosex says:

    Crows are like intelligent vultures… they’re carnivores. They totally would pick up trash for you… and by that I mean, slutty chicks.

  14. Anne On A Moose says:

    This would be great if you guys could keep crows and ravens straight. The talking bird? That was a raven, not a crow, same with the bird playing the the snow…not a crow, a raven. Both intelligent birds but crows are the ones with the brain similar is structure and function to a lesser ape. They will be our overlords…the ravens just know neat tricks.

  15. KM says:

    Hmm…

    All those videos seems to be of ravens and not crows.

    And there is a difference.

    Anyway, as a hunter, i have killed shitloads of crows, so they are not smart enough to dodge a shotgun blast yet.

    I would love to have a raven as a pet, would be awesome!

  16. clubf00t says:

    hey dumbass crows and ravens are from the same genus (or from the same family for u retards out there) but anyway comparing intelligence to the ability 2 dodge bullets is just retarded. can u dodge bullets…until then go back 2 fucking ur sister u hillbilly.

  17. Yeronymous says:

    true, true.