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Cynics Agree: Wal-Mart’s Slogan For Health Foods, “Good For You,” is Extremely Sarcastic

Call it a trend, call it a movement that’s here to stay, the fact remains: food chains are making strides when it comes to providing you with healthier options, whether it be on menus if they’re restaurants or on their shelves if they’re grocery stores.

If you want some healthy alternatives to the classic junk foods you love, it seems every grocery store has an aisle or two entirely devoted to a version of your favorite snack that won’t convert your feces from a solid in to a liquid. Even Wal-Mart is getting in the game.

Here are the opening sentences to this USA Today article about Wal-Mart’s new initiative to offer healthier food options in their stores:

“You may like the food you buy, but is it ‘Great for You’? Wal-Mart Stores Inc. plans to help its customers figure that out by adding a new green icon that reads ‘Great for You’ to packaging of some of its house-brand foods.”

Wal-Mart-debuts-Great-for-You-seal

On the surface, this sounds like Wal-Mart is beginning to turn over a new leaf; that the superstore giant isn’t happy being known as the place where people that end up on People of Wal-Mart shop. Wal-Mart wants to be known for something more, something better, something healthier for us all.

The thing is, I’m cynical. I hate that I’m cynical. I’m cynical about being cynical, which is a level of cynical that should be consuming its own tail but somehow isn’t, probably because my cynical nature thinks my chances of not being cynical are depressingly low. That being said, I can’t help but hear that Wal-Mart is going start pointing out which foods are healthier through the fine art of happy stick figures and feel like something’s up.

Case in point: Wal-Mart’s choice for a slogan, “Great for You.”

When combined, and in this very specific context, those three words act as a cynic test. If you hear that Wal-Mart will be labeling foods that they deem a “healthier option” and think, “That’s nice and very forward thinking of them” then you’re not a cynic.

You are a cynic if you hear the words “Great for You” and hear “Great for Youuuuuu,” as if the subtext of those three words is, “Look at youuuuu, eating all of those vegetables and low fat foods. Man, we should give you a medal for being a buzzkill! Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, let’s all stop what we’re doing and look at the guy in aisle seven that just opted for the low-carb candy bar sweetened with agave nectar instead of the one filled with corn syrup and cotton candy. Shoppers, before you leave today, don’t forget to kiss that guy’s ass and feel below him on the social scale, as we should. Isn’t that right, agave guy?”

For the record, cynic or not, I always go for the candy bar filled with corn syrup and cotton candy. Who wouldn’t? Assholes, that’s who. Now, if only one of you optimists out there would make a candy bar with some cotton candy in it so people like me could ate it and feel shame for not having eaten the agave one instead.

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