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11 Dancing with the Stars Atrocities Worse than Chaz Bono

Many people (if the internet is to be believed and it always is) are up in arms that Chaz Bono will be on Dancing with the Stars this season.  Though we hate doing this, we’ll try to explain in a bullet form list;

  • A high percentage of the DWTS audience are boneheads, bigots, assholes and dinks
  • Chaz Bono used to be Chastity Bono.  Chaz had a sex change
  • Boneheads, bigots, assholes and dinks hate sex changes when they tangentially relate to televised dancing competitions

Does that make sense?  Of course not but, as near as we can tell, that’s the gist of the would-be controversy.  The same people who cross the street when they see black people walking towards them also change the channel when they see a dude who used to be a chick dancing on a vacuous suckhole of a reality TV show.  You’d think the audience of that show would have no standards at all, but here we are.

Holy Taco was all primed to make jokes about the child of Sonny and Cher being on dancing with the Stars, not because he used to be a she, but because it’s Dancing with the Stars, until we found out that everyone was so pissy about it.  Then we spent 10 minutes on Wikipedia reading about the show and, as it turns out, there are way better reasons to be disgusted with DWTS than Chaz Bono.  Behold!

 

 

Nancy Grace

 

Head to head this season with Chaz, and a much better reason to be offended, is Nancy Grace.  Chaz is a transgendered person, but Nancy Grace has always been a monster and never had the decency to change.  Chaz Bono only has his mom’s career to be mildly ashamed of.  Nancy Grace is literally one of the worst people in the world.  How many people can you honestly say that about with no hyperbole?  She really is awful and has literally ruined lives.  The world would have been better had she never been in it.  And now she’s dancing for our entertainment.  I can only hope Tom Bergeron simply lays her out after deciding that he has nothing really to lose in life anyway.

 

Bristol Palin

 

Any “star” themed reality show often stretches the outer limits of that word when it comes to casting, but Bristol Palin was a stretch even Kato Kaelin would have laughed at.  As the daughter of an idiot known for nothing more than apparently enjoying premarital sex and having a name that sounds like Sarah may have been shopping at a craft store when she went into labor, she added nothing to the show other than what in web terms would be considered SEO pandering (kind of like this article.  9/11, NCAA football, ground zero, labor day).

 

Buzz Aldrin

 

I’m not making fun of Buzz Aldrin here, I’m making fun of each and every person who contributed to a world in which the second man to set foot on the moon was dancing alongside such luminaries as Shannon Doherty and Kate Gosselin.

 

Buzz Aldrin was on Apollo 11.  Shannon Doherty was on Beverly Hills 90210.  Buzz Aldrin flew 66 combat missions in the Korean War.  Kate Gosselin sold her children to a television network and has the hair of a flightless bird.  Buzz Aldrin is in his 80’s.  I have no follow up to that.

 

Li’l Kim

This is Lil Kim.  In every panel;

 

 Ted McGinley

 

Ted McGinley is famous for never aging and for ending TV shows whenever he guest stars on them.  But of greater significance is the fact that he’s Ted McGinley and this must have been the first time he has ever been referred to as a star by anyone.  He was Jefferson on Married with Children and an asshole in Revenge of the Nerds.  And he may have been on the Love Boat.  Atta boy.  Dance, you star.

Mark Cuban

Idiotic millionaires aren’t really stars per se, but whatever.  Mark Cuban is known for being a man no one likes and the owner of the Dallas Mavericks.  He got rich because someone out there was stupid enough to buy his dot com enterprise for billions of dollars about a week before the big dot com crash of the 90’s, so he made out pretty well on that deal.

 

Since then he’s had a failed reality series, over a dozen fines from the NBA and numerous rumors about other teams he’s planning to buy in other sports leagues that may or may not ever come true.  None of this makes you want to watch him dance.

 

Leeza Gibbons

 

If it were 1987 you’d be tickled pink to hear that Leeza Gibbons was on this show.  In 2011 you’d be forgiven for not knowing she was still alive.  Honestly, is she?  I mean, they say she was on the show during season 4, but has she survived since then?  Anyone?

Joey Fatone

Wondering what Joey Fatone’s been doing since N’Sync disbanded so that Justin Timberlake could be famous by himself?  He’s the announcer on the Family Feud.  Little known fact, every contestant on the Feud needs to be sedated with animal tranquilizers before going on stage lest the combined star power of Steve Harvey and Joey Fatone literally causes their heads to explode.

Ian Ziering

 

This guy used to be on Beverly Hills 90210 and the reason he sucks is because he can’t pronounce his own name.  Have you heard how he says his name?  He pronounces it with an I rather than an E sound as is sane and normal.  Do you know what that means?  Does anyone?  Means this guy is an idiot.

Tucker Carlson

Tucker Carlson is a piece of shit.

 

The Show Itself

 

Reality TV is a scourge we need not describe as we’re all well aware of it, but this show has been one of those head-scratching menaces (along with the Bachelor/ette) that returns year after year despite the fact there’s no way you know anyone who watches either.  And it can’t just be the state of Iowa keeping both of these shows going.  There’s gotta be people in Maine and Vermont and Oregon doing it, too.

 

It’s a show where a professional dancer dances with a celebrity of greater or (often) lesser fame, week after week, until someone is crowned the best dancer of them all.  This is the kind of shit that happens in prisons, only at the end you don’t get an award, you just get tender love in a sweaty bunk.  This is not entertainment.

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