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Dane Cook Is Crappy

Apparently Dane Cook a)Still doesn’t make enough money to not live in an apartment and b)Is still listed as a comedian in news articles. I know it’s popular to hate on Dane Cook these days, but, yeah, no, I just know it’s still popular so I’m going to go ahead and do it. Apparently Dane Cook is being kicked out of his apartment because he won’t pick up his dog’s shits. Now he’s freaked out he’ll become unfunny. Yes. You read that right. DListed has this quote from Dane Cook:

“In the same way that writers can get writer’s block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and ‘stories’; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I’ve seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it’s destroyed careers.”

Apparently Cook lives in the same apartment building that John Belushi and Steve Martin once lived in, and he believes that this gives him the motivation and the ability to be funny, and that if he leaves his career will tank, because the ghosts of John Belushi and Steve Martin (who is not dead at all) act as muses for his creative genius. Not joking. This is what he actually thinks.

It seems true though, because seriously, without the help of these famous comedian ghosts, he could he have come up with the brilliant idea of impersonating his grandma by walking around like a velociraptor. Or, worse yet, if left on his own, he may never have created his “lady in the grocery store who walks like a raptor” character. The world needs to know it’s hilarious when you walk around like a dinosaur popularized by the Jurassic Park films. Anyway, he ended up offering his landlord $40k to let him stay in the apartment, and presumably allow his dog to shit everywhere. I imagine if John Belushi’s ghost is in there, at this point he’s hoping for hell.

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41 Responses to "Dane Cook Is Crappy"

  1. Anonymous says:

    i totaly agree

  2. mr.x says:

    I agree Dane Cook all in the delivery. I also agree that I would not want to pick up my dog’s shit.

    I just hate how my friends play of his cd’s over and over and over again.

    I liked that he was in that just came out.

  3. eric says:

    Man…comparing Dane Cook to Carlos Mencia. I never thought I’d see the day.
    I don’t even like Cook, but damn, I’ll defend him against Carlos Mencia. That guy is the world comedian on the planet, his stuff isn’t funny, hell George Bush has funnier speeches than this guy.
    Its just a crying shame it wasn’t Mencia that went, instead of George Carlin, or Bernie Mac.

  4. Dane Cook says:

    Dudes, whatevers. I’m hilarious! My entire act is standing on a stage and screaming vulgarities and then frat boys laugh at me! If I lose that, I could become the next Adam Sandler, God forbid!

  5. mr.x says:

    *edit* I like that movie he is in that just came out

  6. Me says:

    Someone shit on the coats!

  7. I could do with a drink!

  8. Jossie says:

    Meh, I like him alright. Employee of the Month was decent enough. Just
    because college girls love him doesn’t mean that he cannot be redeemed.

    Shave your momma’s back for FilthyRichmond.com

  9. Jim Jones says:

    LOL, Holy Taco is right! wow

  10. Junie says:

    I’d hit it.

  11. Tom smith says:

    I hate carlos mencia more than anything else in the world. Including bin laden.

  12. rare says:

    I was hoping for some validity behind your case, but alas, a feeble ploy to get clicks.

    I’ll never trust a taco again

  13. This Guy says:

    Congrats holy taco, you’ve conformed to the masses while trying to be hip and ironic. Dane Cook = Funnier than the guy who wrote this

  14. sugarcane says:

    wow maybe living in John Belusi’s old apt allows Dane to somehow channel john and steal his jokes too. Dane cook is a crappy joke thief

  15. Nope says:

    This is your list? These 4 paragraphs? These are the best reasons you can come up with? Damn, you complain a lot about nothing.

  16. Andy says:

    It must hurt to call someone infinitely more successful and talented than you crappy.

  17. Jazzy says:

    He’s definitely a strange character.

  18. McNice says:

    Some of Cook’s stuff is pretty good.

    Don’t be Hatin’

  19. John says:

    Man, this guy has shitty sense of humor. I hate his humor.

  20. Fuck Dane Cook says:

    I’ve known that he’s been crappy for years. He can continue to make shitty movies then appeal to all the drunk/high bitches who actually like him. I’m glad that people are jumping off the bandwagon on this one. I listened to his shit and that’s what I heard. Pure, utter, shit. Hopefully he does loose his career once he moves out, that would be amazing.

  21. This will be the only article EVER, that will have the names John Belushi and Dane Cook in it.

  22. Jason says:

    Yeah i never found most of his stuff funny.

  23. holycow says:

    finally something funny about dane cook.

  24. Reza says:

    Two questions… Do you consider yourself a writer? If so you should really invest in a editor of some sort because this rant has more errors than every game the Padres have played this year. 2nd, do you think you’re funny? Maybe you can boost Dane’s income by taking some comedy lessons from him. Don’t attack his brand of humor because you are too naive to realize that some people are possibly sick and tired of hearing the common “Black guy stole my tv”, “Mexicans are poor”, “White guy slept with his cousin”, etc, brand of humor that every other poupular comedian today practices.

  25. brookpt says:

    Dane Cook is not a comedian. Please don’t mix things up like that.. he is a CLOWN. And a horrible clown, btw.

    I’m just waiting for the moment when this piece of shit gets forgotten by the general public and loses his “15 min” of fame.

  26. Nick says:

    He’s been hitting up The Improv in LA several times over the last few months and has actually been pretty funny. Crass without using a lot of swearing. So just because he’s a shitty actor doesn’t mean he should be counted out as a comedian.

  27. Anonymous says:

    I never found his “comedy” even vaguely amusing. How he has gotten this far is beyond me.

  28. Tyler says:

    Hey this Holy Taco stuff is much funnier when you’re toasted……nicely toasted.

  29. Martkus says:


  30. Jay T. says:

    After Dane Cook’s long and absurd explanation, the judge finally asked, “So is there going to be a punchline or not?”

  31. Anonymous says:

    belushi was a great actor and comedian, and dane cook will never be anywhere close to his level. plus i think belushi did as much drugs as i do.

  32. JC says:

    Ya Know Dane…you COULD just pick up the turds. I don’t know, just a crazy thought. However, for $40,000 I would GLADLY follow your pooch around with a plasstic bag. You get to stay in your “humor tank”, your dog gets to shit on a regular basis, and I am 40 grand richer…everyone wins!

  33. Pratik says:

    Dane Cook never really bothered or annoyed me, and some of his stuff is kind of funny. But I just wish that he could release a CD of his without the producers putting in what sounds like drunk retarded chicks yelling at random times. It’s like they’re trying their best to imitate the 99% female audience of shows like Tyra Banks and Ellen Degeneres after they come back from a commercial break.

    Dane Cook: So I was walking down the street-
    Drunk Bitches: AHHHH!!!! WOOOOO!!
    DC: …and I got a Twisty Cone-
    DB: HAAAAAA!!!

  34. Jason says:

    Dane Cook was all about delivery. A lot of his material wouldn’t be funny if performed by others. Lately hes been going down hill for lack of delivery imo.

  35. pepelicious says:

    Man screw that talentless Dane Cook. Everyone knows that Carlos Mencia is pretty much the best standup comic in working today (who steals all his material).

  36. Spanky says:

    I like him and think he’s pretty funny.
    Anyway, he just keeps the apartment to write in, he bought a $7mil pad somewhere else that he actually lives.

  37. Michael says:

    Indeed Dane cook isnt great. I just knew him because of how he delievered his punch lines.

    or and so many MUSE references and to top it of with “crying shame”!

  38. DC says:

    Dane Cook fucking rules in my books, any one who says he sucks needs to realize that maybe, just maybe, you have a different sense of humor than others. If not, you can just suck my dick.

  39. Anonymous says:

    so what, jim carrey does the velociraptor joke all the time, so i guess he is as bad as these comedians.
    and judging the lack of funny in this report i must say that this guy is worse comedian than anybody

  40. Anonymous says:

    I just watched “Isolated Incident” and it was literally the most horrible thing I have ever seen. He makes me sick. He is a FREAK!!!! The stuff he said about his parents dying of cancer and rape was in such poor taste. I could barely even sit through it. He is a sick egotistical maniac and if his popularity continues I think that really says something about our society.