The beer bong has become a staple of the college frat house. Flowing amber streams of beer swirling around the mouth of a funnel, getting channeled through a clear rubber tube, and springing forth in to the mouth of a guy that’s already planning which tone of voice he’s going to yell “Woooooooo-yeaaaaahhh!!” as soon as he’s done.
The invention of the beer bong has been shrouded in mystery for centuries. Some claim the Aztecs began this tradition by funneling fermented berries through a hollowed-out melon husk and the intestinal tract of a wild boar. Others claim its origins can be traced back to the Vikings, who would celebrate a successful raping and pillaging campaign by passing mead through the mouth holes of the dead. But, alas, these theories are entirely incorrect, for we at Holy Taco have conducted numerous interviews and dug through reams of historical documents to discover the true story behind the invention of the beer bong, only to discover that it was on this day, June 9th of 1896, that the beer bong sprung forth from the mind of a crafty, out of work inventor from London.
Jack Henry was a failed inventor of medical equipment for women. Most of his inventions were created in an attempt to cure women of their monthly bouts of “hysteria,” aka, menstruation. So, in essence, Henry was a part of the early pro-vibrator movement. Sadly, Henry could not devise a phallic-shaped vibrating tool safe enough to be used on living creatures, let alone humans. For instance, one of his early cures for hysteria was an electric powered-vibrator that was powered by another great invention of the time, Nikola Tesla’s Tesla Coil. While the idea of an electric vibrator
was years ahead of its time, the invention itself was a disaster. It appears that the energy created by the Tesla Coil proved to be too much for the pocket-sized vibrator. During a test on a female goat, the vibrator vibrated so ferociously that it drilled its way through the goat’s torso, obliterating the goat from the inside-out. While the idea was a complete failure in the eyes of the medical community, it would later find new life in the construction community when it was given handles a new name, the Jackhammer.
The idea for the beer bong came about during a late night, absinthe-fueled
brainstorming session. Henry hypothesized on the nature of female hysteria and its root causes. Henry came to the conclusion that female hysteria was caused by an over-active nerve located in the vagina that, in theory, could be subdued with a high dose of off-brand horse tranquilizer. The best way to deliver said tranquilizer, Henry thought, was to release a torrent of the liquid directly in to the vagina via tube. Using the rubber from a straightened bicycle tire as a tube, and a series of flattened cans of beans for the funnel, Henry created the world’s first beer bong.
But, as is the story of Henry’s life, the invention failed to catch on in the medical community. After a few of his test runs with the invention made their way in to popular medical journals of the time, Henry was laughed out of the medical field altogether. It was discovered that men used the device more often in their attempts to fill the bellies of attractive females with high levels of alcohol quickly and efficiently; which would cut the time a man spent trying to coerce a women in to bed down by half.
Abbey Henry, the great granddaughter of Jack Henry, once said of the modern iteration of the beer bong: “I always laugh when I see college kids drinking from it. The only people that are still using it in the manner in which it was intended are D-list porn stars when they fire various liquids from their orifices.”