This Day In History: Leck mich im Arsch

As you may have already seen here on the Holy Taco main page earlier today, R&B artist Riskay crafted a wonderful piece of sonic filth known as “Smell Yo Dick,” a women’s impassioned plea to a philanderer of a lover to kindly present their penis for the purpose of nasal inspection. The song itself is a triumph in wrapping the absurd and kind of disgusting in a soulful package. We’re not sure if this practice has an official name, so we’re going to call it Turd Gift Wrapping.

While Turd Gift Wrapping may seem like a semi-new phenomenon, it is not. It is actually much older than we realize. In fact, some of the world’s most cherished and beloved musical artist have been known to wrap turds in bows and present them to audiences as though they were prized gifts. One notable example would be one of the greatest composers of all time, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

If you’ve seen the Academy Award winning film Amadeus, then you have already been given a glimpse in to the weirdness that was Mozart. The guy laughed whenever he farted. C’mon. That’s just awesome. But did you know that, in approximately 1782, Mozart wrote a short piece titled “Leck mich im Arsch,” which translates to “Lick me in the arse”? It’s true. He did.
 
Just as the exact date of this piece’s creation is uncertain, so is the precise reason for this piece’s existence. Some believe Mozart wrote it for the sole purpose of playing the song at parties to entertain friends. But we at Holy Taco have some pretty good connections in the world of historical musical artifacting (a profession we may have just made up), and we’re going to give you the behind the scenes story on how, on this very day in 1782, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart created one of the world’s most famous examples of Turd Gift Wrapping.

Our story begins on a fine summer morning in Germany. Mozart, having been awake for the previous 39 hours due to a vicious cocaine bender in which he attempted to achieve the same high he reached at a recent performance, was ready to crash in to bed with his wife, Constanze. After a few minutes of peaceful relaxation, Mozart began to feel a tingle in his loins. His mind clouded by coke, he first hypothesized that this sensation was the work of a fairy he believed he had trapped in his underpants earlier in the day. This hypothesis was quickly proved incorrect as he hallucinated a fictional memory in which he removed the fairy from his undergarments, gave it the name “Rumpels,” and sold Rumpels in to fairy slavery. Coming to his senses somewhat, Mozart realized that he was in the mood for a quick sexual escapade before he officially called it a day and fell asleep.
 
Mozart then handless-ly poked at his wife while she slept, in that way that men tend to think is a perfectly viable form of communicating the desire to have sex. Loosely translated, Constanze said, “Christ, Wolfy! Put that shit away!” In response, Mozart giggled like a naughty little bitch. His voice sounding very much like Johnny Depp’s in Alice in Wonderland, Mozart said, “But, my dear! I’ve got a fancy little trinket that I feel I must introduce to your wondrous sin crevice!” He followed that up with more naughty bitch giggling.
 

Constanze rolled over, gave one look at Mozart’s “trinket,” and exhaustedly said, “Fine. But if you lick me in the arse, whatever creepy mouth disease you get is all on you. This is the late 1700s, after all. Honestly, what are the chances that I have a fully cleansed anus right now, huh? I’ve been sweating like a peasant for the past 30-something hours. So lick at your own risk, freak.” In typical Mozart fashion, Wolfgang responded with, “Oh, glory be thy wife that allows such a humble lover such as myself entrance in to her most sacred of erogenous areas! With tongue, no less!” More giddy bitch giggling.

What followed was 4 minutes of the saddest and most spastic sexual spectacle in recorded history – a sexual encounter more akin, historians say, to watching the Pillsbury Dough Boy get repeatedly poked in the stomach, than it was to watching an adult human male have sex.

As Mozart’s underwhelming climax reached its peak, he began to hum a little tune. Mozart would, only a few short weeks later, played this little tune for an audience of friends at a small get-together. He prefaced the tune by saying, “And this lovely composition is dedicated to my lovely wife, Constanze; for she is but the only lady of such high societal standing that would allow me, a man humbled in her presence, to lick her butt. Let’s rock.”