If you’re like us, then you, too, are probably wondering why Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. Not because we feel she should be cleared of all charges and be set free, for The Lohan can do no wrong. No; it’s because we, like you, literally have no clue what she did and have never given a damn about her existence.
But after seeing her name mentioned on just about every site we visit daily, we decided to Wiki her emaciated-ass and find out what the deal was. Much to our chagrin, she’s going to jail over some lame “DUI progress report,” which sounds like something your parents would put you in timeout over once they found a balled-up progress report at the bottom of your book bag months after the fact. There was no murder, no charges of treason or grand larceny – the chick just missed an appointment. Oh, no! What a bummer!
Whatever. That’s not the point. The point is this: the idea of Lindsay Lohan in an orange jumpsuit living with crack dealers and prostitutes that stabbed their Johns is so sweet that we might fall in to a diabetic coma just thinking about it. After this thought danced in our heads for a bit, we began to dream about Lindsay’s potential day-to-day life behind bars. We think it would be a little something like this…
5 A.M.: Wake up call. Lindsay, after having only just cried herself to sleep an hour before, is shocked in to consciousness. As she crawls out of bed, she is stepped on by Besarta, a nearly 7-foot-tall Albanian woman that robbed a bank. Besarta hates Lindsay. She claims Herbie: Fully Loaded ruined the integrity of the original Herbie film.
5:30 A.M.: Breakfast. Lindsay eats her hard-boiled eggs and toast while wondering what Tina Fey, the writer and co-star of Lindsay’s hit movie Mean Girls, is doing at the moment. “Problem not thinking about the infinite peace that is death,” Lindsay ponders.
9:30 A.M.: Lindsay lies awake in her cell, thinking back on all the mistakes she’s made in her life and what she could have done to prevent the dreadful situation she currently finds herself in. Meanwhile, Besarta is taking his shit only feet away from Lindsay’s head, while making obscene sexual gestures with her hands.
10:00 A.M.: Yard time. Having yet gained the nerve to take an all-ladies prison shower, Lindsay forgoes cleanliness, and instead opts to hang out in the yard, and perhaps make a friend of two. She is asked by a fellow inmate if her vagina looks like it does in the pictures on Perez Hilton, or if the camera adds 10-pounds to her vag. Lindsay decides that she’s never going to shower as long as she’s locked up.
10:30 A.M.: Lunch. Lindsay cannot enjoy her peanut butter and jelly sandwich because every time she looks up she sees Besarta holding the sandwich vertically, while slightly opened, and while licking the inside frantically. “Well, at least I’ll hit my target weight of 10 pounds by the time I’m done serving my time!” Lindsay thinks in a sad attempt at rationalization.
12:00 P.M.: Open cells. The prisoners hangout and talk shit, maybe plan a shanking or two. Lindsay declines a request to sign an autograph, claiming she is “too emotionally distraught.” With an eye blackened, happily Lindsay signs her name on page 53 of a prison library copy of The Old Man and the Sea. The prisoner tears out the page, says thanks, and then crams it up her twat. She then says, “I needed a fresh Maxi pad.” Lindsay wonders, “but—but…it’s not even that absorbent!” as she entirely misses the point of the twat-cramming demonstration.
5:30 P.M.: Dinner. Lindsay chews on her rubbery chicken breast, then thinks of Sam, her girlfriend..or ex-girlfriend…ahh, who gives a shit? Who can keep up with that garbage, anyway? Over dinner, Lindsay thinks about writing a book about which entertainment show she’ll give an exclusive interview to upon her release. “I can go with Ryan Seacrest on E!, but they’re too showy. I can go on to Access Hollywood, but I don’t think they’ll pay as much. Maybe Entertainment Tonight?” Lindsay will not reach a decision on this day, as she was caught in the chin by an errant fist during an argument between two inmates over the ownership of a piece of cornbread.
8:35 P.M.: Waking up in the infirmary, Lindsay is relieved to find that she is away from those savages in the cells. She looks to her left and sees Besarta’s legs spread wide as she rests on an infirmary bed. Lumpy vagina fully exposed, Besarta pooks her head out to the side and gives Lindsay a cheeky wink. “See these lumps?” asks Besarta. “These are what we call ‘The Love Bug’ around here.”