Earlier this week, nerds were abuzz with the news that scientists at CERN (which probably doesn’t stand for Crap Eric Roberts Needs) had a big announcement about the Higgs boson. In the media they call this the God particle, for pretty much no reason. Even if you know nothing about physics at all, what you need to know about the Higgs boson is that it and God have nothing in common, unless your God is the sort of God that just has a lot of mass and is a cohesive force that somehow vaguely holds the universe together in a sort of loose framework. By this definition your God could also be a poorly made Jell-O mold.
Anyway, the announcement was a bit of a letdown as it turns out the boson was not discovered, it’s just that the scientists are pretty confident they know where it will be if it does exist and that, within a year or so, they will be able to conclusively say whether or not it’s a real thing. In very stupid terms, this was like attending a Jersey Shore press conference expecting to hear that Snooki had passed a standardized test only to find out that she had, in fact, properly read the directions to get her to the school where the test was being given, and she will probably make her way there sometime this winter.
Still, we like to think the Higgs boson will not only be discovered, but it will surprise everyone by living up to its God moniker and performing miracles. Physics allows for that, right? Doesn’t matter, it soon will. And we’re hopping on that bandwagon. God particle, Holy Taco supplicates itself before you and asks that you perform these miracles for us. Please and thank you.
- Please not just end TLC, but remove it from the whole of human experience so that no trace shall remain in our consciousness.
- Hot wings that do not end in hot ass.
- Grant the Gift of Tongues, that we might finally understand the guy at the corner store. Or make him learn English.
- Change gonorrhea into an infection that grants you really good balance and flexibility.
- Make Glenn Beck spend a week or so as a gay Muslim with a lisp.
- Scotch berries
- Can a few of those ladies who insist on taking our phone numbers instead of giving us theirs actually call us?
- Turn rain into puppies
- Stop the puppies from exploding when they hit ground.
- Prevent all the puppy-related deaths and property damage.
- Turn the puppy shit back into rain.
- Work out some easy method of dog population control given the high number of homeless animals that will be roaming around.
- Nevermind, just leave rain as rain, but instead, make tornadoes shoot out fudge, but at a non-lethal speed.
- It’d be nice if there was a button you could press that would just thoroughly and reliably cleanse your butt.
- 3 wishes.
- Could you make a pepper that’s like 100 times hotter than the world’s current hottest pepper, so then we can dare people to eat it and upload the results to Youtube?
- A sequel to Pootie Tang
- Did we already ask the thing about the chicken wings? That’s important.
- Is there a way we can be aware of Kim Kardashian’s ass and all it represents while not being aware of Kim Kardashian?
- Cap’n Crunch that doesn’t cut your mouth.
- Make it so everyone can appreciate other people’s inner beauty, thus allowing us to not be offended by so many CHUDs
- An average national IQ that’s a good 20 points higher.
- Please extend my Warcraft subscription. Maybe get me a cool new mount, kinda tired of my old ones.
- Cemetery Man on DVD. Seriously, I can’t find it anywhere.
- World peace or whatever.