Jessica Biel and I are probably destined to be a couple and have a very passionate relationship and that’s why it pains me to write this article, but something needs to be done. I recently watched her movie The Tall Man and I am still unsettled. Not because it was a great film, or a good film, or even a tolerable film, but because it’s unbridled shit stankery is unlike anything I have ever witnessed. You’re going to presume right off the bat that I am engaging in more than my share of hyperbole and exaggeration as is so common in internet comedy writing but I must state, for your understanding, that I am not even joking. It’s literally the worst horror movie ever. Manos: Hands of Fate? Troll 2? Doll Man vs Demonic Toys? You wish. Those movies failed due to low production value, poor scripting and acting, and just shitty overall preparation. The Tall Man had effort put into it. It had superb production values. It failed miserably thanks to the worst script ever.
The Tall Man, if you are unaware, seems to be a play on Slender Man, a fairly recent addition to the paranormal pantheon, a tall, skinny being that is often scene before children vanish. In the movie, the disappearance of numerous kid sis blamed on the Tall Man. It’s very horror movieish for a premise.
Jessica Biel, our hero, is a nurse, and she has a kid, and she lives in this run down jackhole of a mining town full of out of work people and losers. And then one day she catches the Tall Man trying to kidnap her kid. Also, this article is full of spoilers, but only insofar as I’m giving away the story. It’s not spoiling anything, the movie spoiled itself. Anyway, she gives chases, there’s a lame fight scene, the Tall Man gets the kid and then…something weird happens. Within about 10 minutes this stops being a horror movie.
In this time frame we go from paranormal weirdo stealing kids to finding out the kid was kidnapped by his own mom and Jessica Biel has, in fact, been kidnapping the town’s children. Huh. OK. Still with you, movie, though that’s a lame twist. But then it gets worse.
Biel is arrested and eventually cops to killing like 30 kids or something. But there are no bodies. Hmm. They search and find nothing and Biel ain’t talking and then, after it seemed like the damn movie ended about 6 times already, you get the real ending. Are you ready for this? This is actually how the movie ended – it turns out Biel is a part of a secret organization that operates around the globe. This organization abducts children from poor and unfit parents and just gives them to better parents. They do this for the sake of the kids.
There is a secret organization of kidnappers who take kids from families who are poor and give them to families that are not poor. The movie indicates some of the kids are taken from bad homes, like abusive homes, but many are taken just because they are poor. And this is barely cast in a morally ambiguous light. There’s a real, actual indication that this is supposed to be a good, noble, admirable thing – that kidnappers are not actually molesting and murdering your kids, they’re just giving them to better homes because you suck as a parent. When you’re child gets kidnapped, life actually gets better for them.
The only way this ending could have been more awful would have been if someone cured the common cold with rape. It’s probably the most morally reprehensible ending ever put to film outside of the snuff genre.
Do not watch this movie. It will soil you.