Probably the most amazing store in the world is the Dollar Store. They sell everything for a buck and there’s like a million things there that shouldn’t be a buck. Like hammers. And Ziploc bags. And pregnancy tests. That’s how far we have come as a species. I can walk into a store with one dollar and learn if I’m pregnant with an accuracy that’s acceptable for the Chinese marketplace. That’s amazing.
The problem with the Dollar Store is that very same pregnancy test. Is there any reason for any one of us to ever need a $1 pregnancy test? If you care enough to wonder, you should probably shell out the extra couple of bucks and get the test that wasn’t made from lead paint, melamine and political dissidents. It doesn’t stop at pregnancy tests either. The Dollar Store is a wall-to-wall sad state of affairs at the best of times. Sure, you think you’re getting a wicked deal on duct tape and light bulbs, but then there’s all of this.
Boxers
Look at these sorry characters. 5% spandex. How often do you figure someone tries these on then brings them back? How often are these used for the sole purpose of degenerate wanking by a disturbed individual who watches himself in a mirror but has the lights off so he can’t make eye contact with himself?
Face Masks
I guess I’ve discovered where back alley surgeons in Mexico get most of their supplies. Though why they’d even feel the need to put up the charade long enough to require an actual surgical mask is anyone’s guess. In any event, there’s something inherently sad about medical supplies at the Dollar Store.
Wardrobe Essentials?
I don’t know much about the mystery of what happens under a lady’s clothes, but I did see a boob once on TV. That said, this seems to be a box of sweat sucking pads to be applied to armpits as well as nipple tape so you don’t get pokies. Can you even imagine the state of your life if you’re at a Dollar store buying nipple pokie tape? What horrible gypsy curse brought that on?
Bra Clip
Speaking of boobs, here’s a clip that gives you cleavage or some such. I guess. It’s one of those deceptive tricks that B cups employ to look like C cups, never really mindful of how, when they get exposed for the frauds they are that first time, they will never be trusted again. Ladies, remember that – if you use a Wonderbra or one of these little clippie things or if you jam some bacon under there or whatever, when we find out what you did, we will not be impressed.
Lady Sanitation
Dollar Stores seem to excel at the humiliation of women, it’s like Mel Gibson is a stock holder. Here’s the heavy flow section, for ladies who are going through that time of the month but can’t be bothered to stop spending their government allowance at the casino.
The Shave Epidemic
Ladies shave all kinds of things if my research into porno is any indication, and I must assume it is. So maybe this isn’t so bizarre then, that they need to sell a multi pack of 15 razors for $2. If only they had an asshole bleaching attachment.
Ovulation Time
Because a pregnancy test isn’t enough, they also produce ovulation detectors. Should anything that costs a buck have a hand in determining whether or not you’re fertile? Your fallopian tubes don’t need to cross paths with this kind of technology.
Cologne
Hey, do you want to smell like an $11 bottle of cologne while spending that extra $10 on several bottles of Thunderbird? Of course you do. The Dollar Store comes through again. I didn’t have the balls to open this and try it out but I have to assume it smells like a mix between Drakkar cologne and a urinal cake, because that’s pretty much what the whole aisle smelled like.
Cologne II
As an added bonus, if you prefer the smell of Polo apparently you get to be a backpacking douche at the same time.
Milk Bath
The marketing geniuses at Dollar Store HQ strike again. Sure this may be made with goat’s milk but you know what people rarely associate with cleanliness? A stinking goat. Plus this goat has those crazy neck tits that goats get, what’s that about?
Clams
I felt there was something poetic about Millionaire brand clams at the Dollar Store. Plus who the f*ck is buying a can of clams anywhere, let alone at the Dollar Store? I had to assume these were a product of some backward country that probably ate bugs and the like. Then I noticed it said Indonesia at the bottom so I had to look it up because my knowledge of Indonesia is scant at best. I found out they have orangutans there and in 2007 an orangutan was rescued from a brothel. Canned clams, go figure.
Toy Pedo
As a product of internet culture, I can’t wrap my head around how this image can exist out in the world. But I have to assume most people don’t spend as much time online as I do and the word “pedo” scrawled over a phallic object hurtling towards a child’s open mouth may not seem unusual to the rest of society. In any event, here’s a joke that seems born for online chicanery.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
they are marketing for returning customers………..use the condoms………….then you’ll need the test!
So let me get this straight…Only ONE clam for a CAN of clams???
It says right on the front of the thing that it gives a boost.
This really just made my day. *praise*
access denied
WTF is so unusual about a can of clams? They’re not still in the shells ya dumb f**ks, and are actually a common item in any grocery store!
And If you don’t want to eat any seafood from Indonesia, then you might as well give up shrimp, as a majority of shrimp is imported from Indonesia, Thailand, and Vietnam.
A Bra Clip hides the straps in the back, it doesn’t make your boobs look bigger. My girlfriend uses these all the time.
Your backward country country comment sound really offensive and unneeded let alone associating it with Indonesia.
Yes, but the main thing that bra clips are used for are to hide your bra straps.
Pregnancy tests with pictures of smiling babies sell for more, because people who are trying to get pregnant are willing to pay more than people who are hoping to avoid being pregnant.
You missed one on the toy pedo….the obvious splat to the right. Oh the horror! uhhhh
That’s hilarious!!
I know the guy who made that toypedo artwork. He’s a good guy who just made a mistake. I also happen to know that Canadian dollar stores have the same crap in them as American dollar stores. It all comes from China. Oh, and don’t ever buy the food at a dollar store.
Actually, here in the Us, not only do we sell pregnancy tests, but condoms too. How safe does that seem?
I actually get canned smoked scallops at my local dollar store.
They are quite tasty.
When I see articles like this I wish neither computers nor digital cameras would be available for pr*cks like you. Get a life dude.
Your article sucks, get a real job.
Sometimes they have name-brand stuff that struck-out on normal grocers’ shelves. Stick to the canned food aisles, and sometimes the shelf-stable products.
They push your boobs together to give cleavage thats “the boost” they don’t really make your boobs look bigger.
well you find a lil stuff there like clothes and shoes? but i dont buy them at all to chep ok
i love it. keep it up. the best was the condom and come back for a pregnancy test comment. hoorah
Offensive don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
And you are still alive?!?
Why did you leave Cracked.com? That’s my other favorite website!
“FORTEY”? Really?
I LOVE YOOOOOOU, YOU WERE THEBEST COLUMNIST AT CRACKED
Well done.
Beautiful.
Wow, Gotta love the Dollar Store! Its just too amazing!
Lou
http://www.privacy-tools.es.tc
do they have guns n knifes n shit like tht?
hmmm….never tryed with a bomb….nvm…cool store…
btw, it’s spelled ‘tried’ not ‘tryed’
damn left-wing liberals teaching you people all wrong….
Are you kidding? This guy is obviously an ultra conservative; through and through. How many liberals do you know that talk about guns, knives, and bombs with such interest?
And another thing! Where are your capital letters? Didn’t anyone teach you how to properly begin a sentence? And how about your “btw”? Why don’t you just spell that out, eh? Come on, now …
And why am I replying to this in October when it was posted in July? Better late than never I suppose.
Anonymous-Man:
Are you serious? You’re nit picking at the way someone types on the internet? YOU’RE RETARDED! People use acronyms such as “btw” online all the time. It’s what they were created for. Not capitalizing is a common mistake because Microsoft word usually catches it. Spelling tried as “tryed” – however – is plain STUPIDITY! Go back to your dumb-o-crat life style and shut up!!!
The reason all this stuff sucks is because it’s from a Canadian dollar store (that’s why all the labels are in English and French).
We’ve got much better stuff here in our dollar stores in the U.S.
I have seen 9 of these items in the dollars store in the usa. I’m surprised this list is so short. Also, there are way more weird men stuff there that I would love to here this authors opinion about.
I’ve been in my fair share of trailer-trash dollar stores around the US, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this entire list in every single one… minus, possibly, the nipple pokey thingys…
This was genius. Ian, you just made me look like a fool at work when I laughed in a quiet office. Nevertheless, thanks for that.
Hey walmart cant own the market for cheap plastic crap from china….good for the competition!
“TOY PEDO” means “I AM DRUNK” in bad Spanish.
(TOY PEDO -> ESTOY PEDO -> ESTOY BORRACHO)
ROFL
Estas pedo
Go park my car assholes.
Mr Fortey I’m not sure what I laughed at more, your article or your comment replies. It’s almost like they INTEND to prove your point… surely not! Keep up the good work.
Canned clams, eh? I can already taste the savings. Mmmm.
So let me get this straight…Only ONE clam for a CAN of clams???
Go park my car assholes.
Canned clams, eh? I can already taste the savings. Mmmm.