Faith and begorrah, it’s St. Patty’s day again! Bust out the shillelagh and kiss your Blarney stones goodbye as you drink yourself into a hazy, green stupor. But before you do, you may want to learn the proud Irish history of this gloriously drunken day. Lucky for you, you can walk through Irish history in your neighborhood simply by visiting any local dollar store and experiencing their vast array of Irish historical relics. Come and learn the story of St. Patrick’s Day, the Dollar Store way!
Ahh, the Shamrock bra. This playful little number dates back to the time of Patrick himself. When Patrick came to Ireland as a bishop to teach the Irish pagans about Christianity, most of those pagans wore plain plastic bras to cover their powerful pagan bosoms, which of course were the sources of witchcraft. As Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Trinity to the pagans, the locals slowly amalgamated his message by adorning their magical bras with the plant and cursing outsiders with the power of Christ, which of course was not exactly what Patrick had in mind, but it was a learning process.
Viking Helmet with Blonde Pigtails
Nothing screams Ireland quite as much as a blonde Viking, and the dollar store knows this. Steeped in Irish history, the blonde pigtail Viking, originally from County Kilkenny, is a symbol of Irish heroism. In the 15th century, when pigtail Vikings were becoming less welcome around Europe, one particular pigtail Viking whose name has been lost to history, found her way to Ireland where she became something of a local celebrity as she reluctantly adapted to Irish ways despite her proclivity for raping and pillaging the neighbors. As it happened, one swarthy March 17th, the Normans attempted an invasion and the Irish, all being completely tanked at the time, had no means of defense and surely would have lost their lives if not for the savagery of the pigtailed Viking who chose to fight for her adopted countrymen. The locals never forget, those who were sober enough to remember, anyway, and this is her symbol.
Giant Novelty Tie
The phrase “kiss me I’m Irish” dates back to Cormac O’Toole, who had herpes of the mouth but desperately spent his entire life traveling the globe in search of love. However, the giant novelty tie was actually a relic of St. Patrick himself. In between being taken to Ireland as a slave and returning as a Bishop, Patrick spent some time in Britain trying his hand as a novelty tie salesman. Unfortunately, novelty tie sales in a time when the average life expectancy was about 30 years proved difficult, so he turned to the Church instead.
Giant Green Whistle
The giant green whistle is a favorite of all St Patrick’s Day revelers who would like to avoid rape. It commemorates the Irish tendency towards rape, which has never been statistically proven but nonetheless perseveres.
The practice of tattooing in Ireland dates back to the Gaelic Irish and was popular amongst many different tribes including the Fomorian Bros who practiced armband tattooing and the Tuatha de Skankaria, who are thought to have invented the tramp stamp. Traditionally, upon coming of age, children of these groups who get their first tattoo and often it would be of a St. Patrick’s Day theme as Ireland has no other symbolism at all.
Any and All Leprechaun Products
The leprechaun, one of the fairy folk, can be found in Irish folklore dating back to medieval times. Most famously the Leprechaun is known for its inability to kill Jennifer Aniston and the fact that it once went to the Hood, then space, then back to the Hood again. When St. Patrick brought Christianity to the Irish pagans, it is said he banged quite a few leprechauns.
Beer Mug Goggles
Perhaps the most notable tradition associated with St. Patrick’s Day is drinking like a prize winning drunkard at the world championships of filthy drunkenness. To honor this while only tacitly implying all Irish are massive scale alcoholics, St. Patrick himself invented these magical goggles which assist in the merrymaking process and allowing you to find hideous people more stimulating by presenting them through a mystical sheen of fairy magic and booze.
Despite being a Scottish game, golf is proudly represented in Ireland thanks to the traditional Irish golfer hat, more affectionately known as “the big green titty.” St Patrick discovered these himself, growing wild on the rolling hills not far from County Tittyhat, which of course was renamed once Christianity took over.
Wikipedia will tell you that Deely Boppers were not invented by ancient Celts and that’s why it’s such an unreliable website. In point of fact, the Deely Bopper was a traditional piece of Celtic armor and an invaluable tool in battle as its zany bopping motion would confuse and disorient the enemies so that they could be easily gutted and turned into a canoe. The Irish would then have drunken sex in the canoe.
The Irish invented drinking.
As previously mentioned, herpes-ridden Cormac O’Toole was quite the would-be ladies man if not for his crippling herpes which made him look as though he’d been using raw ground beef as lip gloss. In his constant quest to seduce any lady, anywhere, he came up with the Kiss me I’m Irish panties, a gift for a lady meant to trick her into accepting the mouth affections of the gift giver, even if he was a poxy old jackanapes. Though Cormac was stabbed in the kidney for his efforts, the legacy lives on and is still enjoyed in Ireland today.