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The Dos and Don’ts of Soul Selling


When it comes to home equity, some of us come up short. Luckily, you never need to worry about having a few extra dollars worth of value on you provided you have a soul. It’s the one way the faithful can stick it to atheists. Take that you ghetto non believers! You can’t sell your foot to the devil and a gypsy is only going to give you like $5 for it. But a soul. Ahh, now that’s cash money. But don’t give it up for the first shiny bauble or delicious falafel someone offers you. There are only a handful of occasions when selling your soul is really worth it.



Do Sell Your Soul for Uniqueness

In stories that involve soul-selling, 9 times out of 10 it’s for rock and roll. If you’ve turned on the radio in the last decade, you’re painfully aware that it’s going to take more than a lack of soul to save music. In fact, there’s a stark lack of soul in a lot of godawful shit on the radio, so you might want to think of a different approach. Honestly, would you want to sell your immortal soul and turn into Nickelback? That’s exactly the kind of shitty joke the devil would play on you.

Instead, try to focus on a unique moment. For instance, selling your soul for the best pie in the world. The best pie that will ever or even could ever exist. Don’t dismiss that pie out of hand, because that’s literally priceless. You would literally have the best pie ever. It would be impossible for someone to have a better one. You could gloat over every pie chef and pie eater for all time. And you would actually shut down and entire facet of soul selling from then on. If your neighbor wants to sell his soul for the best pie ever, he would get turned down because you already ate it and you’d get your soul back thanks to breech of contract. Frankly, this is a win-win.

Don’t Sell Your Soul for Money

Lord knows money is awesome. Probably everything you’ve ever bought you bought with money, it’s just that versatile. So the idea of trading the non-corporeal essence of who and what you are for $50 probably sounds great. And if you’re a savvy soul-seller, you might hold out for $100 or more. That’s enough for a big dinner for four at Red Lobster. Think about it.

The problem with selling your soul for money is that it never works out. Seriously, it’s a terrible plan. Who are you selling your soul to? Can’t be gypsies, they won’t pay cash for that, they’re more the cursed wish type. So probably you’re working with an evil djinn like in Wishmaster, or maybe the devil. Oh man, don’t sell it to them for cash.

Say you summon up a demon from the nether regions of Hell and he’s all suave and cool talking and he wears a suit and has a pen filled with your blood and you work out a contract to sell your eternal soul for, say, the down payment on a wicked new scooter. That’s awesome. But you know what happens the first time you ride that scooter? The space station will literally fall right on you. Yeah, you thought you’d crash, right? The devil is way more over-the-top than that.

If you sell your sell for enough cash to go on vacation to Australia, Australia will send a horde of poisonous spiders and snakes and marsupials after you and you will barely have time to say “Hey, is that Paul Hogan?” before you bashes your head in with the business end of a black mamba, and those aren’t even indigenous to Australia.

Do Sell Your Soul For Passion

This is a tricky one, so follow along. This isn’t passion in the physical, humptastic sense. Like if you have a passion for Megan Fox and you think she’d probably really dig you if she got to know you, scratch that. We’ll explain why later. But for now, all you need to know is passion relates to what moves you.

For instance, do you love writing? Then selling your soul for the ability to write is damn near noble, because it lets you put your soul into what you love. That’s almost poetic, ain’t it? It’s thanks to all the cough syrup we drink at the office here. But back to the point, which is that if you sell your soul for the ability to write, you could end up working at Holy Taco. Hope you were sitting down when you read that one.

Don’t Sell Your Soul for Love

Back to Megan Fox. Or, if you’re into more refined evil, Ann Coulter. You could certainly sell your soul for their love, but that’s probably the worst thing you could ever do. Why? Think about it; once you die your soul is going to be tormented for all eternity. And before you die, you’ll have to spend your life with Megan Fox. She called Michael Bay Hitler. This guy may have included robot balls in Transformers 2, and he may include the same shots of slow motion explosion jumping in every movie he’s ever made, but Hitler? Can you even imagine what spending every waking moment with Megan Fox must be like? Good lord.

Do Sell Your Soul for Awesome Powers

Some people will tell you to never sell your soul because the bargain always favors the dark forces. After all, how long are you going to live? Like another 10 years at best? Forever is way longer than that, like 100 times at least. So the devil is probably coming out ahead, even if he doesn’t make a shady deal. But he will, if you don’t stop him.

So make sure you hash out some clear details in your contract negotiations. To start with, put in a “no space station crashing on you” clause. In fact, try to specify that you won’t be murdered, accidentally killed, afflicted with disease, virus or infection of any sort, suffer traumatic accidents or raise the ire and disgust of all peoples near and far. You won’t turn invisible, your penis won’t fall off, you won’t become obese, you won’t go blind, you won’t have to live alone on a deserted island, you won’t go insane, everyone else won’t go insane, you won’t be sent to prison or any other nefarious thing you can think of to sour the deal. Then give yourself a good period of time to enjoy life. Heck, make it 20 years, you’re in charge now. And then comes the kicker – ask to be Superman. What does the devil care? Other suckers are asking for pie, man. You should get a sweet deal. Learn to fly and shoot lasers from your eyes and have a burly thatch of chest hair and whatnot. Now that’s a soul-worthy transaction.


9 Responses to "The Dos and Don’ts of Soul Selling"

  1. Captain Obvious says:

    I punched the devil in the mouth for fucking with me.

  2. Mr Zero says:

    As an individual who has had many dealings with soul selling allot of folks would be very interested to find out that upon your death the particular deity you have sold your soul to will typically make you perform the mundane activities they try to avoid.

    What makes you think that paperwork and inter-office politics stop upon death, believe me they do not. In fact it gets even more competitive and downright annoying. My advice is if you sell your soul only do so for a limited amount of time; forever only exists to those who do not understand time. Point being if you do sell your soul try a Greek God they have typically more enjoyable activities that you will be apart of and you will often be able to get out of your contract after a few lifetimes of generally good service.

    Mr. Zero

  3. Lets Make Butt Babies says:

    Good advice until you got to the part about the greek gods. They are butt pirates and you know it.

    The only mundane activities they would have you do is being their fuck boy. I’m all for getting my poop packed, but an Olympic God Dick reaming me for a few thousand eons? No thank you, Mr. Zero.

    I would sell my soul to the hamburglar. He would just make you eat his veggies for him into eternity. A vegetarian diet is lame and gives you terrible gas but it is preferable to ass reaming.

  4. Meckr23k says:

    the devil sold his sould to me…..and for what? Pie(of course)

  5. Mr. Thomassoulo says:

    See you in hell Costanza!

  6. Typical Jackoff says:

    crappy old pictue, words, mmm pie, words, oooh money! words,

    overrated actress, words,


    fap fap fap fap fap

  7. Travis Bucharest says:

    I don’t know if i’d sell my soul for a nice rack. Can i sell a GFs’ sould for it instead?