For those of you who don’t read crappy British tabloids, the Daily Mail is reporting that scientists at the Georgia Institute of Technology are developing robots that can "deceive humans and even hide from their enemies." I found this to be surprising for two reasons.
First, I always figured the deep South would be responsible for destroying humanity, but I would have never guessed they’d actually be the ones developing the technology. I figured they’d somehow get their hands on a nuke or two made by someone else, and then they’d start launching warheads at each other after a particularly contentious SEC game. But to find out that people in Georgia are actively working on the building blocks for the apparatus that will ultimately enslave humanity was a real shock. Kudos to the South for shattering my narrow worldview and cutting through all the negative stereotypes.
Second, and more importantly, why in the f*ck would anyone want to invent a lying robot? The main reason given is that said robots would be more effective on the battlefield, which doesn’t really alleviate my concerns. Sure, a lying robot might be useful if it’s on your side, but how do you know the damn thing isn’t secretly working for the Krauts? It’s a god damned lying robot! It’s not to be trusted.
The scientists involved assure us that lying robots will be used almost exclusively within the military, and social robots that you and I might deal with "will probably rarely use deception." Probably? Rarely? These words aren’t very reassuring when discussing the possibility of a full-on robot uprising.
Since it seems the scientists involved might not be able to see the forest through the trees, I’ve come up with a few downsides to developing a robot with the ability to deceive us. Perhaps my humble objections will cause these great men of science to reconsider their stance before we end up on the wrong end of a T-1000
"She said she was on the pill!" That’s not a phrase any man ever wants to utter. But the world is a cruel place, and sometimes ladies get "baby crazy."
It’s bad enough being lied to by some chick you met at Dave and Busters. Just imagine being lied to by some sort of sex bot! You thought she was just looking for a night of fun, but it turns out "she" is an android, and "her" pre-programed idea of fun is harvesting your sperm for part of a breeding project, and using your offspring’s body heat and electrical activity to power the growing robot rebellion. On the down side, your children will be little more than human Duracells. But on the upside, you probably won’t be paying child support.
Uppity Robot Maids
I was so sick and tired of hearing my maid lie to me in broken English that I fired her ass and got myself a Roomba. But if my Roomba could lie, it would totally defeat the purpose. For all you know, the damn thing will spend eight hours a day humping the god damn DVR player, and then take five minutes to touch up before you get home. If you ask it, it will lie straight to your stupid, human face. Sure, you can check the security camera, but do you really think a lying robot won’t be able to hack that sh*t?
Perhaps you’ve seen a little film called RoboCop? More importantly, you’ve seen its far superior sequel, RoboCop 2, where an evil RoboCop joins the fray. Have we learned nothing from this film? Sure, as long as you’ve got an honest robot like Murphy on your side, things are peachy. But once you get some lying robot that would sell its own motherboard down the river for a canister of Nuke, all hell breaks loose.
The Inevitable Robot Holocaust
Let’s face it, the wholesale slaughter of humanity at the hands of intelligent machines is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to postpone it as long as possible. Steps can be taken that will give humanity at least three to five more years of quality time before judgment day comes and burns us to cinders. Step one, don’t invent a god damn lying robot.
You: Hey, Robot! Are you secretly plotting to hack into the military’s computer system and launch all of our ICBM’s, causing a swift retaliation from other nuclear powers, and destroying the human race in the process, leaving the charred remains of the planet for you to rebuild in your own, robot image?
You: OK. Thanks for being honest.
Robot (softly, under his robot breath): Sucker!