What up, sissies? It’s Dr. McDicksplosion, again, here to give you advice that you don’t want but will bend over and be forcefully spoon fed in your butt mouth with my spoon penis that I’ll tell you is an airplane (but it’s really a penis). Today’s lesson in man-ness will be about something that people in movies and TV shows can’t seem to do on purpose but can always do by accident at a key point in the series where ratings are low and the producers are only heartbeat away from giving John Stamos a re-occurring part to spike the ratings: making a baby.
To the novice, making a baby probably sounds like a walk in the park. But this park is filled with masked thugs that wield laser katanas and highly volatile dynamite nunchaku. And they are skilled in the art of rape. Like rebel fighters in the Congo. Ha-ha! Depressing topical rape reference! But, no; seriously, you probably have no clue what you’re doing with your low-hanging baby making supplies. Yeah, I’ve seen too many fine young men such as you lose their nerve once they get a few centimeters in to a lady. Before the baby batter ever gets sprayed they’re all fear pee, panic shits, and murder tears. It’s sad, really. But that’s why I’m here. Consider my typed words a soft, womanly hand that will guide your literal penis into a vagina – my verbs, the index finger; my adjectives, my thumb; my grammar, my pinky, which I will rarely, if ever, use.
Seduction, Part 1: The Drunkening
Before you can get all caveman on a women and make a mess of her uterus, you’ve got to get her juices primed. Start off with some simple drinks to make her morals all loosey-goosey. Most ladies love a fine, aged wine that’s full bodied and carries with it the intoxicating aroma of the very dirt the grapes were grown in and the very sun that shined upon its skin. Other bitches like jagermeister as it leaks down another person’s ass. So take stock of your particular lady’s preferences. You don’t want to blast a classy girl in the mouth with a super soaker of raspberry-flavored tequila.
Seduction, Part 2: The Art of Shutting The F*ck Up
Most guides like this one that were written by “men” of inferior genetic coding will probably try to tell you that ladies love it when you smooth talk them. These are the same men that maserturbate in the office restroom instead of having the balls to have a hooker ordered directly to their office along with some crazy bread and a two-liter of Dr. Pepper.
The truth is, ladies want to vent just like the rest of us. We all want someone to hear us out, regardless of how rugged and manly our exteriors may be. Deep down, we all want someone to give us their undivided attention and hang on every word we say. That kind of shit can get anyone horny. So the best word of advice to give is to try to say as few words as possible. You’d be surprised how many illegitimate children those that are trained in the art of mime have.
Baby Making Time
Assuming you’ve drunked-up your lady and you’ve been so silent that she’s basically held an entire one-sided conversation with herself in which he played the parts of both the person that wants to bang and the person that doesn’t, it’s now officially time to make babies, aka sex.
Many people have attempted to school your brain on the ways of penis usage, but I find that most people are basically sacks of shit with feet. Having sex is a lot easier than the mouth breathers and crumb bums and all of the other words for “stupid f*cks” lead you to believe. For starters, if you’re not priming the baby shoot with your mouth fluids before you fill it with pee pee fluids you might as well be trying to destroying the second Deathstar before you destroy the shield generator on Endor. So put your mouth on the thing that your children will soon fire out of and give it a swirling like a kidnapped man trying to twist open a door knob with his tongue.
Once the mouth pleasure has ceased, it’s time for some rhythmic pelvic thrusting. Once you’ve fully inserted, move your hips back and forth in the same way you would if you were trying to ward off a fiendish mega spider by making it feel awkward with your air humps. But keep in mind, sometimes a power thrust isn’t always proper. Sometimes you’ve got to slow things down a bit. Personally, I like to employ the usage of a technique I call “The Malfunctioning Jackhammer”, which is when you start off with an intense pounding then, without warning, you slow things down for a few thrusts to maximize your sexiness quotient. It’s like having two sex sessions in one, really: one so rough and dirty that will make your lady say things that would make the neighbors start Google searching the phone numbers of various exorcist, and the other so deep and sensual that your lady will think she’s in a Cinemax softcore porn filled with smooth camera pans, soft lighting, and jazz played by a band that realizes they’re so terrible that they can only get jobs scoring Cinemax softcore pornos.
After you’ve been trusting for anywhere between thirty-five minutes to two hours, it’ll be about time to release your seed all over her baby tubes. When you do this, you must be sure that she is fully aware that this is going to go down. We’ve all seen those creampie surprise videos and we know how women that have been paid money to pretend they’re angry after a little internal combustion, so we can all easily imagine how a real life version might play out (it usually involves knives and threats of castration). If you find it awkward to ask if you can provide her baby making junk with baby making fluid, then try to class the question up a bit. Maybe ask if she would care for a light drizzling of dressing on her salad. If she thinks you’re talking about eating dinner, just ask her if she would like some glaze on her donut. If she still thinks you’re talking about food products, just tell her that you are going to ejaculate in her vagina for the purposes of procreation. If she’s weirded out by your academic description of sex, go the opposite direction and make it sound overtly disgusting, “I’mma bust some nuts in your guts. Booyah.”
And with that, you may now unleash your man broth so it may stew in her innards long enough to form the anthropomorphic Russian nesting doll that we call the gestation period and, eventually, child birth.
And that’s it! You’ve done it! You just made a baby! Congradulations! Soon you’ll be able to teach it to play baseball, or how to change the oil on a car, or how to dress like a dapper you man/woman. And, soon after that, that child – your child – will turn 18, blow a dude name Spike, get arrested at Burning Man, then come crawling back to you for tuition money that will, in actuality, be meth money.