Dr. McDicksplosion’s Tips On Manly Man-ness

Life for a man ain’t easy. For instance, how many times have you found yourself trying to kill a bear with your hands when, all of a sudden, you have to subdue a pack of feral supermodels with nothing but your wits and your massive, gilded dong? I know, life’s a bitch. But that’s why the Powers Of Manliness up in the heavens graced us alpha dudes with the glorious power of the bitch slap. “When life’s a bitch, smack that bitch right in her stupid mouth with your strong pimp hand,” is what my Grandpappy said to me on his death bed only minutes before he willed his beard to grow 17-inches and he died from testosterone toxicity. My Grandpappy taught me everything I know about being a man. But in this day and age, being a manly man is something that seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Nowadays, dudes are sitting around watching the Real Housewives of P*ssy County, and getting their nails cut and polished by Vietnamese ladies and not pruning shears, like they did back in ye’olden days.

Yep, there’s a severe deficit in manliness right now in America, and I am the logical response to it. Who am I? I’m Dr. McDicksplosion, and I’m going to give you sissies some tips on how to unlock your inner manly manliness. How did I go about receiving a doctorate in manliness? Well, when I was 9, my Grandpappy sent me a away to a boarding school called the School of Hard Knocks. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It’s the Ivy League institution with highly accredited staff of wolverines and an axe with a mustache that teach you how to stop being such a sissy and man the hell up for once in your life. I also have a Liberal Arts degree, but I’ll be damned if I know what the hell to do with it.

Anyway, enough with the chatter. It’s ‘bout time you got learned in the ways of masculine displays of testicular might. Today, we start off with some simple tips on the manly art of shaving.

Unless you’ve got a scar running across your face in the shape of Zeus making love to a Kraken that’s on fire, then your facial hair will be the first thing people will judge your manliness upon. When it comes to the style of facial hair, there are only a few things you can do.

1)    Clean Shaven – James Bond doesn’t do facial hair. James Bond is better than you. Therefore, you don’t need facial hair to be a man. Also, it’s perfectly alright to question your sexuality whenever James Bond comes on screen. He’s just so debonair!

2)    Mustache – Some less manly folk think they can be a man with a shitty pencil-thin mustache, like they’re John Waters or something. That ain’t true. Granted, John Waters bangs dudes, and nothing is manlier than that, but John is a special case where he can take something unmanly and make it the Mount Everest of manly. You can’t. You’re not John Waters. So axe the pencil-thin mustache that makes you look like you just gently kissed the anus of a coffee bean and grow yourself a thicket of man mold.

3)    Full Beard – On one end of the man spectrum, you have the clean shaven Don Draper. On the other end, you’ve got depressed Jack from LOST, who has a beard so thick and luscious that it could embrace you all night as you shiver in fright, but it wouldn’t – it’s got too much wood to chop for the blimp it’s building out of wood.

If you’ve got anything else, like a goatee or one of those stupid thin beard-ish outlines of your face that you see a lot of a-holes and dudes without chins sporting, then you might as well shave that same pattern on your beefy vagina.

Getting A Shave

Regardless of what style you choose, you’re going to have to maintain that sucker. You don’t want to go too long without shaving lest you end up looking like this guy.

Sadly, none of you reading this are manly enough to shave the way my Grandpappy taught me and the way that I shave today. Your supple faces would melt from the heat and your mushy, un-evolved heads would collapse from the pressure exuded by the tectonic plates I slam my face between. It’s probably best you go the safe route and buy yourself a safety razor.

Safety razors are the way your Grandpappies used to shave. They’re real old school, which means they’re absurdly dangerous and not a very good idea at all. But if you want the best at-home shave possible, you can pick up a used safety razor on eBay. Why used? Well, thanks for asking the question, me. If you pick up a used one on eBay, you can save yourself a bundle of cash. Most brand new safety razors are $30 and up, but a used one can be as low as $5 or $10. Besides, we’re going old school with our shaving. It’d be best to use something that looks like it would give you tetanus.

Brush

You’re also going to need a good shaving brush to apply your cream. A good badger brush can, again, run you a pretty penny, but it’s worth it. Nothing gets your hair standing on end like badger. Me, I’m more of a fiberglass insulation kind of man, but that’s a level of manly that you’re going to have to work yourself up to…if you pass the trails of manliness held only once a century by the Master Dude Council of the Dick Dimension. But that’s a lesson for another day.
 
Shaving Cream

See that can of whipped egg whites you’ve got in your bathroom? The one made by the same people that make toothpaste? Call it a bitch and toss it out of your home. You don’t want that crap touching your face. What you do want is a cream in a jar that moisturizes and contains nutrients that keeps your skin healthy. Something like this.

Did you follow the link? Why not? It’s such a manly link.

You’re going to want to shave with something that leaves you smelling like a man and sandalwood is one such manly scent. What women doesn’t soak her panties after she thinks your face is made of type of wood so smooth and classy that it forgoes regular footwear and opts, instead, for sandals at all times? That’s the mark of a wood that’s so well-off that it can show up to a board meeting, kick it’s sandy flip-flops on to the table, and demand that you pay it one-million bucks for its efforts.

How To Shave

One of the best times to shave is either when you’re in the shower, or when you’ve just gotten out. The heat softens your face and makes the slicing of hair more easygoing. The other best time to shave is when you’re falling out of an exploding fighter jet traveling at mach 3.
 
Take your slightly wet brush and gently swirly it through your cream. Then, swirl on to your face. Some tend to think that swirling is not manly, so they try to over-compensate by apply the shaving in punch-like patterns. This will only do damage to your face and make shaving pointless, as it’s really hard to shave around horrifying deformities.

Once you have applied your cream, make sure you have a razor blade loaded in to your razor and run it across your face. Saftey razors can be dangerous, though. So follow these rules:

1)    Don’t Add Pressure – Why? Because there’s a good chance that you like your face in the place that it is and not, say, in your sink.

2)    Shave With The Grain – Because it’s what all the cool kids are doing.

3)    Shave Little By Little – Don’t try to remove everything in one go. That’s a good way to end up looking like concrete after a carpet bombing.

Do this all over your face (or in the areas you want to clean up) and in no time your face will look like a new born baby’s ass, which will get you all the chicks. Chicks love baby ass.
 
Then, to rap up your first journey in to the rugged land of man, apply a nice, soothing
aftershave. Some may like a sooth balm (not me), some like oils (not me), others like the musk taken from glands near a mature male deer’s ass (1000% me).
 
After that, you’re done! You’re a man! But only partially. There’s still much for you to learn, so keep at it, Little Shaver! One day you will be able to castrate a goat with your toes and demolish buildings with a kegel.