The key to being a good drug mule is innovation. Sure, you may like that new Lady Gaga single a bunch, but if you hear it 1,000 times it’s going to get stale and predictable. The same applies to shoving drugs in your pooper. Eventually, the cops will catch on and start checking your rectum for narcotics, as it is common practice today.
You can’t keep cramming drugs in your ass thinking no one is ever going to give you an impromptu prostate check. And you’d had better know that if you’re visiting someone in prison, the guards have seen more than their fair share of cakes that fail metal detector scans. So if you want to sneak something illicit past an authority figure in this day and age you have to get crafty and McGuyver-esque; for instance, how many of you drug traffickers in the Holy Taco audience have ever attempted to ship prescription meds in to a prison via coloring books? A show of hands, please…
Okay, see? Not many of you. And those that did raise their hands probably just taped the pills to the cover hoping everyone would think Cinderella’s eyes have always looked like Vicodins. You’re amateurs. You know who isn’t an amateur drug trafficker? The three inmates and two civilians who are currently facing charges after investigators discovered they were trafficking coloring book pages painted with drugs inside the Cape May County Correctional Center.
Yeah, yeah, they got caught, but they get an A for effort in my book.
The drug in question was called Suboxone, which is an opioid along the lines of morphine, cocaine and heroin. It gets you high, but the drug is designed for people that are trying to kick drug addictions, as it gives them a small dose of the high their bodies are craving when they go in to withdrawals. But, of course, as it usually goes in prison, any little taste of something you can get in full force on the outside is fully welcomed. That’s why prisoners think “wine” is something that’s made up of rancid ketchup and oranges that look like a vital human organ pulled out of a corpse. Once in prison, your standards, as well as your life in general, hit rock bottom.
The drug was very cleverly disguised within the pages of a Disney-themed coloring book as a series of orange-y smears on various pages. To the untrained eye the smears resembled splotches of water color, and not the close relative to heroin that it is.
The plan was perfect – until a receptive corrections officer had a wild hunch that something wasn’t right with the coloring book pages and had them analyzed by lab techs. Sure enough, the orange splotches tested positive for Suboxone.
If I were a less mentally stable man I’d figure out exactly how this drug was reduced to paint and I’d start plastering my ball tripping concoction over Home Depot shopping cart handles. You may think that’s just some random paint stain, but as soon as you hop in your car and start rubbing your eyes, biting on your nails and picking food out of your teeth you’ll start looking in your rearview mirror frantically as you attempt to escape the demon made of 1,000 eyes that’s chasing you through traffic.
It’s times like these that I wish I were a crazy person. They get to have all the fun.