Hey! Welcome back to Drunken Arguments. This feature hasn’t been on the site in ages, but I thought I’d dust it off just for you on account of right now, it’s about 11:37 PM and I’ve been drinking. So I have half the article written already! My only issue is what to argue about and, since I’m hungry, it’s going to be a stalwart staple of man-debate, which is like masturbating but so much different, what to eat? Should I order chicken wings or pizza? I’m hungry and all the food in the house is shit. I have a ton of crackers, I dunno why.
Chicken wings are arguably one of the best foods in the world and nature knows it. Look at what a chicken does with its wings all day, it just holds them there all limp and shit until you’re ready to eat them. Even the chicken understands how useless its wings are for anything other than snacking on. That’s fantastic. Can you say the same thing about steak? No, that cow will gore you if you even think of taking his steaky bits away. The chicken will be all “take dat shit.”
Let’s be honest, a chicken wing is a meat even a vegan can get behind. Next to bacon they’re like the perfect meat, they’re probably low fat, because have you ever seen fat on a chicken’s wing? Can you imagine? Like a fat ass chicken with that wobble stuff that really old ladies get? Ha ha! Goddamn fat chicken. Anyway, that never happens and that means it’s lean and delicious. Plus a good wing place is offering you like two dozen sauce choices or more. Does any other food have that much variety? Don’t say pizza, that’s rude and ruins my article. Or burgers, because I’m just not hungry for a burger, I had a burger yesterday and I’m good right now.
Wings are a pretty social food as well, it’s a bar thing. You buy ‘em and share with friends and you eat some and watch a game and have more beer and that’s kind of awesome, too. I’m not at a bar with friends and that makes me sad a little but whatever. It’s also one of the only foods that’s socially acceptable to eat with your hands, that’s freedom. The freedom to be filthy. And full. God yes.
Pizza beats the shit out of chicken wings for the simple fact a chicken wing is always a goddamn chicken wing. Oh, you can sauce it? I could sauce my dick, too, but I ain’t gonna. Pizza can be made literally a million ways probably. I know a place that uses like a béchamel sauce instead of tomato if you want, that’s insane! And what if you want artichokes? Actually, that béchamel is a bit weird, it’s like biscuit gravy, you know that white shit? Like, what is it, sausage gravy? It’s like spooge, I don’t understand why people eat it.
Pepperoni pizza is like the plainest kind of pizza you can get (you could get cheese pizza but that’s stupid) and, even after all these years, it’s still good. It’s still goddamn good! Then you can put bacon and mushrooms and some kind of cheese you never even heard of and it’s still good. This is the best day of my life. That’s what you think when you at pizza. It’s always true. After you eat a pound of chicken wings you have to accept the knowledge you just consumed a pound of some other life form and now you weigh a pound more, plus that last wing always makes you kind of hate yourself. It’s a little cold an the sauce is congealing, and then that’s it. Good job. But shit, pizza is god hot, it’s good cold, you reheat that shit the next day, dip the crust in ranch sauce, it’s a party that never stops and that’s especially good when you’re not with friends and you’re kind of a sad drunk.
Now you choose, you crazy buggers. Wing or Pizza?