If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink
, it’s argue
about really stupid things. Since St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner, we decided to argue about whether Leprechauns are evil or good. Here’s what it sounds like:
Drunken Argument that Leprechauns are Evil:
There’s no way anyone could possibly think that a leprechaun is good. They’re f*cking terrifying, and if I ever heard anyone say that they thought a leprechaun was good, my guess would be that they’re just trying to be nice. I treat hearing someone tell me a leprechaun is good the same way I treat a girl calling my penis good: it’s basically just a nice way of saying it’s little, weird-looking, and has crazy patches of red hair sprinkled around it. Is that not terrifying?! Little people are already terrifying enough as it is. I’ve watched that show Little People Big World enough to know that. The dad on that show lurches around on those crutches all day with his little legs dangling around like cat toys while he takes orders from the unfortunate looking woman with the gigantic head. Can you imagine what it would be like to encounter them in the woods, except that instead of just looking like tiny creepy versions of actual people, they were all ginger and wore green overalls and top hats and shoes with buckles on them? Damn, son. On top of all that, Leprechauns have OCD. They only care about one thing: gold. They usually keep that gold hidden somewhere in a spooky wooded area, and they never (and I repeat: NEVER) let that gold get out of their sight. That means that to even encounter a scary-ass leprechaun, you have to run into him on his own turf: the scary-ass f*cking woods. F*ck that, man. Leprechauns are creepy.
Drunken Argument That Leprechauns are Good:
Anyone who’s not clinically retarded knows that Leprechauns are good. People often make the mistake of thinking that the shittier-than-XXX:State film series Leprechaun is an accurate portrayal of these mythical Irish wood nymphs, but nothing could be further from the truth. The "Leprechaun" in these movies is clearly a troll who has disguised himself as a leprechaun. Trolls, of course, are evil, and they’re also much larger than a leprechaun. A true leprechaun is more the size of an elf (between 7" and 18" tall). Any creature taller than that is either a troll or a gnome, regardless of how much green it’s wearing or how many four-leaf clovers it has in its hat. You’re probably asking yourself "why would they dress a troll as a leprechaun?" The answer is simple: because Trolls are scary, and Leprechauns aren’t. Now you’re probably asking yourself "Well, why wouldn’t they just call the movie Troll instead of Leprechaun?" That answer is also simple: because when they made Leprechaun, there was already an equally shitty movie called Troll. So basically they said, "We want to make our own Troll movie, but somebody already did that, so we’ll just put a stupid green suit on him and call it Leprechaun instead." Historically speaking, leprechauns have a reputation for being mischievous and elusive, but not evil. If you catch a leprechaun (which is not easy, but certainly not dangerous), he has to take you to a pot of gold. Is that something an evil little forest monster would do? No, that type of behavior is more along the lines of fairies or pixies, which are both good. If you’re still not convinced that leprechauns are good, then I’ll bring my last line of evidence to the table: Lucky the Leprechaun. General Mills chose a leprechaun as their mascot for a children’s cereal. They would only do that if leprechauns were inherently good-natured creatures. Plus, the kids in those commercials are always f*cking with Lucky, and that’s not something that kids would do if Lucky was an evil little monster waiting to kill them and suck out their insides or burn them alive. They tease him all the time, and they even steal cereal from him. They steal a leprechaun’s food all the time! If leprechauns were evil, those kids would’ve been massacred in the first commercial and nobody would ever eat Lucky Charms again. Leprechauns are harmless, whimsical, and good, case closed.